Understanding the Narcissist Can Set You Free
Blog Series Part 4: Narcissist supply, gaslighting, and flying monkeys
By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW
My goal with this series is to educate people about narcissistic relationships so that they can avoid entering one, understand how to navigate one, and help a survivor of a narcissistic relationship comprehend what they experienced to assist in healing. Part 1 was about the covert narcissist, Part 2 was about the overt narcissist, and Part 3 was about the malignant narcissist. In this blog, I will discuss three terms that are often used when discussing a narcissist.
NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY:
THE NARCISSIST DEPENDS ON OTHERS FOR THEIR SENSE OF IDENTITY AND TO REGULATE THEIR EMOTIONS. THE NARCISSIST WILL SEEK CONSTANT VALIDATION AND ATTENTION, WHICH IS A FORM OF NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY, AND WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET THEIR NEEDS MET.
IT APPEARS TO BE LIKE THEY ARE IN SURVIVAL MODE, ALMOST LIKE NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY IS THE AIR THEY NEED TO BREATHE. THEY NEED TO BE FILLED UP CONSTANTLY, AND THAT IS EXHAUSTING FOR ANY PERSON IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST.
THE NARCISSIST’S IMPAIRED SELF-ESTEEM AND FRAIL SELF CAUSE THEM TO BE DEPENDENT ON OTHERS TO VALIDATE THEM, CRAVING CONSTANT ATTENTION AND ADMIRATION. THEY WILL MANIPULATE AND TRY TO CONTROL WHAT OTHERS THINK OF THEM BY LYING AND CREATING A FALSE SELF. THEY WILL DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT THAT FALSE SELF.
ACCORDING TO DR. SHARIE STINES LPCC (FEBRUARY 10,2019 PSYCHCENTRAL) AND DARLENE LANCER, JD, LMFT (PSYCHOLOGY TODAY, AUGUST 7, 2021,) SOME COMMON FORMS OF NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY ARE:
1. ATTENTION
2. FEELING POWERFUL
3. SEX
4. EMOTIONAL ENERGY, POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE.
5. ALL ADDICTIONS
6. FEELING IN CONTROL
7. COMPLIMENTS, PRAISE, RECEIVING AWARDS
8. FOR SOMEONE TO DO WHATEVER THE NARCISSIST WANTS
9. FOR SOMEONE TO LOSE THEIR AUTONOMY, SELF-ESTEEM, AND INDIVIDUAL IDENTITY
10. FOR SOMEONE TO BE COMPLIANT AND EASILY CONTROLLED
11. FOR SOMEONE TO PRAISE THEM
12. CREATES DRAMA
13. FEELINGS SUPERIOR
14. DEVALUING OTHERS: THEY WILL DISCOUNT YOU TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELF
15. IDEALIZING SOMEONE WHO THEY FEEL MAKES THEM LOOK BETTER
16. THEY NEED YOU TO BE SUBMISSIVE
17. PROFESSIONAL SUCCESS, EVEN BY LYING AND CHEATING AND USING OTHERS
18. FINANCIAL SUCCESS, EVEN BY LYING AND CHEATING AND USING OTHERS
19. HANG OUT WITH PUBLIC FIGURES AND WEALTHY PEOPLE
20. WINNING EVEN IF THEY CHEATED
21. CAUSING DRAMA AND CHAOS, CAUSING FIGHTS, BECOME RAGEFUL
22. HAVING A ROMANTIC PARTNER THAT OTHERS DESIRE
GASLIGHTING:
GASLIGHTING IS A FORM OF MANIPULATION AND PSYCHOLOGICAL CONTROL. THE NARCISSIST INTENDS TO USE CERTAIN TACTICS TO CONTROL THEIR VICTIM.
THE VICTIM IS TOLD FALSE INFORMATION THAT LEADS THEM TO QUESTION THEIR MEMORY, PERCEPTION, AND EVEN THEIR SANITY.
THE NARCISSIST USES GASLIGHTING TO GAIN POWER AND CONTROL OVER THEIR VICTIM. THE MANIPULATION MAY START AS “WHITE LIES” AND INCREASE OVER TIME. IF THEY ARE QUESTIONED BY THEIR VICTIM, THEY WILL DEFLECT AND DENY AND MAY EVEN BECOME RAGEFUL AND SCARY.
THEIR NEED TO PROTECT THEIR “REAL SELF” IS SO STRONG THAT THEY WILL DO ANYTHING TO HIDE IT, EVEN IF IT DESTROYS THEM.
THE VICTIM OFTEN TRUSTS THE NARCISSIST. THE RELATIONSHIP OFTEN STARTS WITH LOVE BOMBING OR AT LEAST POSITIVE. THE NARCISSIST WILL THEN GASLIGHT YOU, USUALLY MANY TIMES, AND SOON YOU BELIEVE WHAT THEY SAY AND BEGINS TO QUESTION YOURSELF. IT IS A CRAZY-MAKING TACTIC.
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!!! YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED TO BELIEVE YOU ARE! COMMON GASLIGHTING PHRASES
1. YOU’RE BEING PARANOID
2. YOU’RE OVERREACTING
3. YOU’RE CRAZY
4. YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS
5. EVERYONE AGREES WITH ME
6. IT’S YOUR FAULT
7. THAT NEVER HAPPENED
8. YOU’RE LYING
9. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY
10. YOU ARE DELUSIONAL
11. YOU’RE TOO SENSITIVE
12. THAT NEVER HAPPENED
13. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU ARE CRAZY; THEY TALK ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME
THE VICTIM IS OFTEN LEFT CONFUSED AND QUESTIONING THEIR SANITY. PLEASE REMEMBER THE NARCISSIST IS OFTEN SOMEONE THEY ONCE LOVED, RESPECTED, LOOKED UP TO, AND MAY STILL BE. THEY ARE ROMANTIC PARTNERS, PARENTS, SIBLINGS, CHILDREN, FRIENDS, AND WORK RELATIONSHIPS. THIS IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE, AND THE NARCISSIST IS USUALLY FULLY AWARE OF THE HARM THEY ARE DOING TO OTHERS AND DOES NOT CARE. EVEN WHEN A VICTIM SETS BOUNDARIES, THE DAMAGE CAUSED BY THIS DYNAMIC CAN TAKE A LONG TIME TO HEAL.
LOSS OF TRUST OF OTHERS, LOSS OF SELF, LOSS OF TRUSTING SELF, AND SELF BLAME ARE A FEW OF THE DEVASTATION CAUSED BY GASLIGHTING.
FLYING MONKEYS:
FLYING MONKEYS IS ABUSE BY PROXY. THE NARCISSIST WILL CALL IN HIS ARMY, THE FLYING MONKEYS, TO PROTECT HIS/HER/THEIR REPUTATION, OFTEN RUINING YOURS IN THE PROCESS. THEY DO THEIR BIDDING.
THEY HAVE POWER AND CONTROL OVER THE FLYING MONKEYS AND THE VICTIM, WHICH MUST BE A FORM OF NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY.
THE NARCISSIST MAY START ITS GROOMING PROCESS, WHICH IS LIKE LOVE BOMBING FOR THE FLYING MONKEYS, WAY BEFORE THERE ARE ANY ISSUES WITH THEIR VICTIM.
THE NARCISSIST MAY SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS, EVALUATING AND GROOMING THEM, TELLING THEM HOW WONDERFUL YOU ARE WITH HIM, HER, OR THEM. IF IT’S A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP, THEY APPEAR KIND AND LOVING IN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILY ON PURPOSE, TESTING THEM FROM TIME TO TIME AND SLOWLY FEEDING THEM NEGATIVE INFORMATION ABOUT YOU COMING ACROSS AS CONCERNED. THEY ARE LAYING GROUNDWORK FOR WHEN THEY NEED THEM, WHICH OFTEN IS WHEN THE VICTIM REALIZES WHO THE NARCISSIST IS AND WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP ENDS. THIS IS WHEN THE NARCISSIST NEEDS FLYING MONKEYS, AND YOU NEED YOUR FRIENDS’ AND FAMILY’S SUPPORT. YOU MAY FIND THAT THE FLYING MONKEYS ARE SIDING WITH THE NARCISSIST. HE HAS BEEN TELLING THEM LIES FOR SOME TIME AND GROOMING THEM.
NOT ONLY ARE YOU DEALING WITH THE PAIN AND DEVASTATION FROM YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE NARCISSIST, BUT YOU ARE ALSO DEALING WITH THE PAIN OF YOUR FRIENDS’ AND FAMILY’S LACK OF SUPPORT AND ABUSE BY PROXY. THE VERY PEOPLE YOU THOUGHT WOULD STAND BY YOU AND SUPPORT YOU ARE NOW SUPPORTING THE NARCISSIST.
THE FLYING MONKEYS CAN ALSO ACT AS SPIES FOR THE NARCISSIST, TELLING HIM/SHE/THEY INFORMATION THAT THEY CAN USE IF NEEDED.
FLYING MONKEYS ARE ENABLERS WHO HELP THE NARCISSIST ABUSE THEIR VICTIM. SOMETIMES THEY ACT AS SUCH TO PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM BECOMING A VICTIM OR ENJOYING THE WHAT THE NARCISSIST OFFERS AND IS WILLING AND COMPLICIT, OR THEY COULD HAVE BEEN MANIPULATED AND BE WELL INTENDED AND DELUSIONAL. EITHER WAY, THE VICTIM IS OFTEN LEFT ALONE, DEVASTATED, AND IN GRIEF.
SUPPORT IS KEY. PLEASE SEEK HELP FROM A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL WHO UNDERSTANDS A NARCISSIST, A SUPPORTIVE, NONJUDGEMENTAL FRIEND, AND A MEDICAL DOCTOR IF NEEDED. SUPPORT GROUPS, ONLINE COMMUNITIES, BOOKS, PODCASTS, AND VIDEOS ARE HELPFUL AS WELL. BE SELECTIVE.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, AND YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.
DISCLAIMER:
The contents of this website; blog, video, articles, media, book, and references, are ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, or determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.
Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider.
Call 911 if there is an emergency.
Call or text 988, which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,
Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed.
Looking at, reading, listening to any information on my website, or book, and communicating with me by email or any other communication with me, you acknowledge and agree that we do not have a professional/client relationship. Use of this site and information associated with this site is solely at the visitor’s own risk.
