Understanding The Narcissist Can Set You Free
Blog Series Part 5: Future Faking, Gray Rock, and Hoovering
By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW
You are powerless to change the narcissist, but with the knowledge you have the power to make healthier choices for yourself. The goal of this series is to help you understand the narcissist to help you avoid a relationship with a narcissist, navigate a relationship with a narcissist, and to heal after a relationship with a narcissist.
In this blog, I will discuss the narcissist’s attempt to manipulatetheir victim by future faking and hoovering during various stages of the relationship. I will also discuss how a victim of a narcissistic relationship can use the method of gray rock to protect themselves. Let’s discuss what these terms mean.
Gray rock
Zawn Villines wrote, “The gray rock method is a tactic some people use when dealing with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the abusive person loses interest.” The goal is to reduce the narcissist from emotionally abusing the victim.
It is important to note that a narcissist needs a constant narcissist supply. If you go gray rock, you deprive them of their narcissist supply. See my previous blog about narcissist supply.
I have been consistent in saying that the best way to deal with a narcissist is NOT TO ENGAGE AT ALL. NO CONTACT. But I do understand that is not always possible. Gray rock is partial disengagement and is an alternative that a victim can use if they cannot go no contact.
The goal of gray rock is to reduce the amount of narcissistic supply by reducing the amount of engagement so that the abuser loses interest and goes elsewhere with as little abuse as possible.The victim will purposely provide a minimal response to the narcissist. When they do respond, they will show flat affect, be calm, and have no emotion at all if possible. They will useminimal words, not defend themselves, not explain themselves, and not get drawn into the narcissist’s drama. You are no longer interested or interesting to the abuser. You are cutting off the narcissistic supply. No longer a source of reward. You have stopped giving them power and control. This works in romantic,friendships, family, and work relationships. If done early in the relationship, you may avoid an abusive relationship with a narcissist.
At first, they may be angry. They may try to push you more. Become more and more abusive, seeking narcissistic supply, seeking a rise out of you. Be prepared. They will not recognize that their behavior pushed you to withdraw. They may blame you and others. They may become agitated. They may call you out. They may become abusive. Please stay gray rock and endure this period, and eventually, they will most likely goaway. You have chosen to set this boundary. You have chosen for them to discard you. Gray rock is a safer way to end the relationship. You stop giving supply, stop enabling them and stop giving them power. If they feel they chose to end the relationship, they will most likely let you go, eventually, with less abuse.
See my previous blog to help understand narcissist supply.
Some examples of gray rock techniques are not engaging, not showing emotion, short interactions, short answers, showing no vulnerability or insecurities, avoid arguing, do not share any personal information, minimize contact, which includes social media (blocking them on social media,) texts and avoid any subjects that would make it difficult not to show emotion.
Hoovering
According to Karthik Kumar, MBBS, (What Does Being Hoovered Mean?), hoovering is a type of emotional abuse or emotional blackmail. Hoovering is done by a ‘narcissistic person’ when they think the victim or the person who they abuseor control is seeking to move away.” The narcissist attempts to see if they can suck them back in so they can control and have power over them and gain narcissistic supply again. They are manipulative and most likely know their victims’ vulnerabilities. Even the process of hoovering is narcissistic supply. Everything that a narcissist does is to gain or regain narcissistic supply, even after you put boundaries up.
Examples of hoovering:
1. Using friends, colleagues, and family (flying monkeys): Telling them how much they miss you and having them reach out to you for them or playing the victim, making them sympathetic to the narcissist and doing their bidding. They also engage in spreading lies about you to instigate a response from you. They are spinning stories to expose your vulnerabilities to trigger you into defending yourself.
2. Threaten to harm themselves so you will respond to themand give them attention.
3. Contacting you and acting as nothing happened.
4. They tell you how much they love you, how much they have changed, how much they worked on themselves, or will work on themselves, and remind you of when things were good. They may say something like, “I can’t live without you.” Or “I realize now you are the only one for me.”
5. Future faking: promises, promises, promises. They know your vulnerabilities and what you want from the relationship and will make promises but have no intention to do what they say. For example. “I realize now that I’m ready to get married.” or “Let’s buy that house at the beach like you always wanted.
6. Sending a text message months later. “Thinking of you...Just ate a slice at our favorite pizzeria.” “Found a picture of us from my brother’s wedding.” “Found your panties in my drawer. Still want them?”
7. Telling you how sorry they are, that they are in therapy, and how much they have changed. It takes a lot of time to change.
8. Sending gifts, acting romantic, love bombing all over again.
9. Gaslighting. Contacting the victim and saying things like they were the only one dedicated in the relationship, that they never did anything wrong, and that the victim is too sensitive. See last week’s blog for more information on gaslighting.
After a breakup with a narcissist or after boundaries are made with family, friends, or at work, the narcissist will likely attempt to hoover you. Know they have not changed no matter what they tell you. Please look for patterns of their behavior.
KNOWLEDGE IS KEY in preventing being sucked back intoanother abusive relationships with them.
SUPPORT IS ALSO KEY. PLEASE SEEK HELP FROM A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL WHO UNDERSTANDS A NARCISSIST, A SUPPORTIVE, NONJUDGEMENTAL FRIEND, AND A MEDICAL DOCTOR IF NEEDED. SUPPORT GROUPS, ONLINE COMMUNITIES, BOOKS, PODCASTS, AND VIDEOS ARE HELPFUL AS WELL. BE SELECTIVE.
Future Faking
According to Greg Kishnick, PsyD, “Future faking is when someone uses a detailed vision of the future to facilitate the bonding and connection in a romantic relationship.... It’s their way of getting attention and admiration from you.”
The narcissist will lie or promise something in the future to get narcissistic supply. They may feel powerful, and in control andget attention and admiration from you and others for what they promised.
When a narcissist begins a romantic relationship, they often come on strong, and the relationship moves quite quickly. This strategy is often called love bombing, and future faking is part of this strategy. Future faking is when the narcissist speaks of the future with you, but very likely, what is said will not come to fruition. The narcissist can be impulsive and say things without thinking of the consequence. They may get caught up in the moment or manipulate the victim to reel them in but in the end,what was promised will most likely not happen.
Future faking can also occur when the narcissist is hoovering their victim when they lie about the future and promise change.
Be wary of anyone who keeps talking about the future, but nothing comes to fruition. Be wary if they do so to placid you and if they gaslight you when you bring up why these promises never happened.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, AND YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.
Please read my blog: I Think I am Going Crazy! Life With a Narcissist, June 14,2022 for additional termsand information; word salad, cognitive dissonance, love bombing, gaslighting, emotional manipulation,and abuse. In addition, in last week’s blog, I discussed flying monkeys, narcissistic supply and gaslighting.
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