Understanding the Narcissist Can Set You Free
Blog Series Part 3: The Malignant Narcissist
By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW
RUN! Or at the very least, SET VERY STRICT BOUNDARIES...learn whom you are dealing with and protect yourself! THEY CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS!
Narcissism is on a spectrum. Malignant narcissism is an extreme form of narcissism and can be difficult to distinguish between a malignant narcissist and a sociopath. In helping to make that distinction, though, Darlene Lancer, JD,LMFT (article in Psychology Today, January 6, 2018) wrote, “sociopaths are more cunning and manipulative than narcissists because their ego isn’t always at stake.” Sociopaths just don’t care. The narcissist cares what others think.
The best defense when dealing with any narcissist is to know whom you are dealing with. I hope that this knowledge will help you understand that the way they act toward you is not your fault but a reflection on themselves. They are extraordinarily predictable, and if you can anticipate their behavior and understand that their behavior is not personal, you can protect yourself emotionally. This is true in romantic relationships, within families, friendships, and the workplace.
In retrospect, this knowledge has helped me gain insight into my past relationships and helping me cope with present ones. My knowledge previously was much more clinical. In this blog, I am not discussing the DSM-5-TR diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD.) This diagnosis should be made by a mental health professional with their client who is seeking help because they feel their NPD is negatively affecting their life. It is extremely rare for someone with NPD to seek professional help.
What is NOT rare is how a person with narcissistic traits can negatively affect those around them. I hope that the people who are negatively affected will seek help. They can reach out to friends, counselors, psychotherapists, life coaches, faith-based coaches, or other professionals who understand the narcissist, especially the malignant narcissist, and how they can manipulate their client as well as the professional, especially in couples and family therapy.
I am hopeful that this blog series will help you recognize the red flags and avoid engaging in a relationship with a narcissist. But if you are already in a relationship with a narcissist, I hope you can become aware of whom you are dealing with and make appropriate boundaries to protect yourself. And if you had engaged in a relationship with a narcissist and have already set up boundaries, I hope you will now gain better insight and rid yourself of the blame, shame, and guilt. The immediate aftermath can be as painful as the relationship, which can leave you quite vulnerable to narcissist manipulations. With knowledge, healthy boundaries, and support, you can lead a much healthier and happier life.
All types of narcissists can be dangerous to your physical and mental health.
They lack empathy, have an exaggerated sense of importance, crave admiration, crave attention, and crave acknowledgment.
They can experience delusions of being influential or accomplished, exaggerate their abilities, accomplishments, and uniqueness, feel superior to others, believe that the world owes them, and exploit others without caring how it may impact them.
Narcissists often lack insight and self-awareness, and although they may understand their behavior hurts others, they don’t care. The only consequences they care about are how their behavior will affect themselves.
Most narcissists have a fragile sense of self, possibly due to childhood trauma, and have difficulty regulating their emotions. They will do whatever they can to stop the world from seeing who they are inside and to see themselves honestly.
They crave narcissistic supply to help them feel better about themselves and will do anything to get it despite who they may hurt. They may seek attention through positive strategies such as love bombing, excelling in school or at a job, and being charismatic and charitable or by negative strategies such as lying and being abusive.
The malignant narcissist strategies are usually more malevolent. Such as:
-They are motivated by power and control and the need to protect their superficial repetition at all costs. Little to no consciousness and no empathy.
-They may come on strong. They can be very intense. They can be charismatic, charming, strong, and all the attractive aspects I mentioned when I spoke of the overt narcissist, they can also appear vulnerable as the covert narcissist, which can also be attractive. But for sure, they are manipulative. They are wolf in sheep’s clothing, but the sheep can look different depending on the narcissist and their needs. Beware.
-They may seem interested in you, and ask many questions in the beginning, but they are doing it to learn about your vulnerabilities so that they can use them later to have power and control over you. You may find yourself scared of them and scared of losing them. They love bomb, trauma bond, abuse, gaslight, discard, and hoover and discard again. They may talk poorly of you, and spread lies and distortions, especially if they feel you may tell the truth.
-They take advantage of other people and put their needs ahead of them.
-They may have many sexual partners, abuse drugs and alcohol, participate in excess gambling, and excessive shopping.
-They exploit, manipulate, use corrosive control, bully, intimidate, are vindictive and cruel to others.
-They do not care about another person’s feelings, rights, or needs; even if they sometimes have a desire for a connection with them, it is only about their needs. They may appear to care for you, but it is to get their needs met.
-They often lie to protect their ego and get what they want and need; they bend the rules and may even break the law.
-They can be reckless, violent, and impulsive without caring whom they may hurt
-They lack remorse and guilt. They exploit others.
-They can act paranoid and project their wrongdoings onto others. They often believe that people are out to get them and will try to discredit them. I have heard people say if you want to know what a malignant narcissist is doing, listen to what they accuse others of.
- They view the world as a threat. Their paranoia can cause them to explode and become rageful.
-They use gaslighting and lie often. They create drama. Life with them is exhausting and confusing.
-They have difficulty regulating their behavior and emotions and if they feel criticized often lash out.
-They have a willful disregard for others and have no issue doing whatever they want to get their needs met despite whom they may hurt.
-They are cruel to others. They are abusive to anyone close to them, even covertly.
-They use emotional abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, and fear to control and have power over you.
What to do if you are in a relationship with a malignant narcissist?
STOP CARING ABOUT THEIR REACTIONS. Their reactions have nothing to do with you.
YOU CAN NOT CHANGE THEM. Nothing you can do can change them, at least not significant enough to have a healthy relationship.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. They are who they are, which was likely formed in their childhood. They probably treated others poorly, and they will do so in the future. The best way to protect yourself is to make boundaries, realizing the way they treat you has nothing to do with you.
MUST SET BOUNDARIES!! THEY WILL NOT RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES SO STAND STRONG. IDEALLY, YOU SHOULD HAVE NO CONTACT, BUT I UNDERSTAND THAT MAY BE IMPOSSIBLE. IF YOU MUST.... PLEASE DO NOT ENGAGE. THEY WILL TRY TO DRAW YOU IN. DO NOT ENGAGE. AT THE VERY LEAST, EMOTIONALLY DISENGAGE. DO NOT PROVIDE THEM WITH NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY.
Narcissists use relationships as a tool for self-esteem and sense of identity. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT THEIR INSECURITIES. Please, with that knowledge, do not let them treat you poorly. Just because there is a reason for what they do, and you may have a vast capacity for empathy and love, that does not mean you should be abused. They can seek professional help if they choose to do so... unlikely but possible. You are not their therapist.
PLEASE LOVE, RESPECT, AND CARE ABOUT YOURSELF ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY FROM ANYONE THAT ABUSES YOU OR AT LEAST SET BOUNDARIES THAT WILL PROTECT YOU. LEARN WHAT MALIGNANT NARCISSSIT IS, SO YOU ARE PREPARED FOR WHAT MAY HAPPEN AND KNOW IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
BE A HEALTHY EXAMPLE FOR YOUR CHILDREN.
Seek help if needed. Call 1-800-799-(SAFE)7233 National Domestic Violence Hotline or 911 if you feel you are in danger and need help keeping you and your family safe.
Call a friend, a counselor, clergy, peer support, police, etc.... you never have to cope alone. Many people feel shame and never ask for help. Please ask. It is not your fault. Be safe.
DISCLAIMER:
The contents of this website; blog, video, articles, media, book, and references, are ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, or determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.
Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider.
Call 911 if there is an emergency.
Call or text 988, which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,
Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed.
Looking at, reading, listening to any information on my website, or book, and communicating with me by email or any other communication with me, you acknowledge and agree that we do not have a professional/client relationship. Use of this site and information associated with this site is solely at the visitor’s own risk.
