Blog Series Part 2: The Overt Narcissist

By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW

The best defense when dealing with a narcissist is to know exactly whom you are dealing with. I hope that this knowledge will help you understand that the way they act toward you is not your fault but a reflection on themselves. They are extraordinarily predictable, and if you can anticipate their behavior and understand that their behavior is not personal, you can protect yourself emotionally. This is true in romantic relationships, relationships within the family, friendships, and the workplace. 

Reading part 1 on covert narcissists can be helpful, although not necessary, as I will repeat some of the information.

All types of narcissists can be dangerous to your physical and mental health, lack empathy, have an exaggerated sense of importance, crave admiration and acknowledgment, experience delusions of being influential or accomplished, exaggerate their abilities, accomplishments, and uniqueness, feel superior to others, believe that the world owes them, and exploit others without caring how it may impact them.

Narcissists often lack insight and self-awareness, and although they may understand their behavior hurts others, they don’t care.

Most narcissists have a fragile sense of self and are doing whatever they can to stop the world from seeing who they are inside and to see themselves honestly.

They crave narcissistic supply to help them feel better about themselves and will do anything to get it despite who they may hurt.

Today, I am going to discuss the overt narcissist (also called the grandiose narcissist and agentic narcissist,) who are much more visible and easier to detect than to covert narcissist. People often think of the overt narcissist when they think of a narcissist.

The overt narcissist  

*They lack empathy. They can only see the world as what the world can do for them. They have a complete disregard for how anyone else feels or how their actions would affect them.

*They are arrogant and have an exaggerated sense of importance and show it. They feel entitled and show it.

*They constantly crave and may even demand admiration, acknowledgment, praise, and validation. If you do not provide this, you may be discarded.

*They often brag. If you do not react the how they want they can become impatient and angry.

*They may experience delusions of being more influential or more accomplished than they are.

 *They exaggerate or lie about their abilities, accomplishments, and uniqueness. 

*They feel superior to others.

*They believe the world owes them.

*They exploit others without caring about how it impacts them.

*They lack insight and self-awareness.

*They understand that their behavior harm others and do not care.

*They usually have a fragile sense of self and will do whatever it takes not to let the world see their true self or remind them of their true self.

*They crave narcissistic supply to help them feel better about themselves and will do whatever it takes to get itdespite whom they may hurt in the process.

*They are attention-seeking and may demand attention, positive or negative.

*They are superficial.

*They may flatter and try to impress others to win them over.

*They can read people and pick the most vulnerable, get them to share their vulnerabilities and will use what they learned them to attack them. They mock others. They can bebullies.

*They verbalize how much better they are then everyone else. They openly put other people down.

*They completely disregard what other people think or feel and expect the world to revolve around them.

*They are extroverts.

*They attract attention to themselves. 

*They can be bold and aggressive and will often become enraged if they feel someone is challenging them.

*They view others as competition and ones to crush.

*They expect special treatment.

*They can turn their charm off and on when needed.

*They are self-centered.

*Everything they do has selfish, ulterior motives.

*Despite appearing confident and having a grandiose persona, they often suffer from low self-esteem. It is the narcissistic supply that helps them feel grandiose and confident they will get what they want and need at any cost.

*They need constant praise and will let you know that. Unlike the covert narcissist that manipulates and tricks you into complimenting them, the overt narcissist may even tell you how to praise them.

*They often lie to maintain their fake persona and are believed.

*If you stop admiring and praising them, you may be discarded, or they may try to destroy you by verbal and emotional abuse and lie to others about you to protect their fake self.

*They use emotional and verbal abuse as tools to gain tokeep their relationships. Trauma bonding is an example. This will be explained in a future blog, part 4.

Why are people so attracted to overt narcissists?

*They often look good on paper, although what looks good is usually superficial. 

*They often have good jobs.

*They could be the life of the party, and people love to be around them.

*They may be extremely successful, or at least appear so.

*They are charismatic, charming, and likable until you are their victim.

*They appear to be popular and have many admirerssurrounding them, even if superficial.

*Overt narcissists are often wealthy and successful or pretend to be and may share their wealth to have admirers surround them. They may invite them to their home, their boat, to expensive dinners to attract people who will give them praise and admiration and at other times use the same wealth and success to hurt people, especially if they do not get their needs met by them. What seems like generosity is just a means to their end and they could appear kind one minute and vicious and vengeful the next. Please beware of doing anything that would shatter their public/fake persona. In response they will likely attempt to They destroy you by lying about you to your friends, family, and workplace and be emotionally abusive to you.

*They can be outgoing, fun, appear generous and charitable have a ton of interesting life stories that they tell. If you are in a romantic relationship, they will most likely love bomb in a grand way you and you may feel wanted and loved until they stop.

*They project success. They may be successful or may lie about their achievements. You see a person who is successful and accomplished.

*They pretend to listen and care, but it is an act, and if together long enough, you will see they are a sheep in wolf’s clothing.

*They are obsessed with public persona, and they understand what looks good and will try to project that. They may appear charitable, humanitarian, generous, good listeners, loving and faithful. If you do not understand who they are inside and their motive, and how they treat certain people, they can be quite likable. But remember, everything that they do is to get narcissistic supply and often come with a cost to their victims.

*A communal narcissist is a person who is often an overt narcissist within a communal environment. They are often hypocritical because they act as such to meet their own needs, but they appear to be helping others. They often appear extremely dedicated to charities, causes, and religious institutions, often at the expense of their families, work, and friends. They speak out about what they do, and their mission, and mock others who they deem are not charitable and giving like they are. They may cause drama, and gossip, and focus more on politics within the environment and less on the communal goal. They are judgmental of others and come across as martyr. They believe they are the best at what they do, generous with time and money if they are recognized, never give anonymously,and are not always generous elsewhere like their family. They may post about their cause on social media but put little effort into the actual cause. It is all for show for the recognition.

Please note that both covert and overt narcissists are similar in their complete lack of empathy, feelings of entitlement, and seeking revenge on others when they no longer get the narcissistic supply they seek. It is just that the covert narcissist may manipulate more secretly, often using passive-aggressive tactics. Everything they do is self-serving. They do not care about others. The more you understand the narcissist, the more you can protect yourself. Some narcissists are both covert and overt depending on a myriad of factors.

Please do not take what they say personally. The way they behave toward you has nothing to do with you, even if it feels that way.

Please remember that you cannot change another person, but you can change how you see a person and interact with them.

Please set boundaries and distance to stop them from being able to hurt you

Please seek help. Support is key. Therapist, support group, life coach, and faith-based coach are examples of the support available. Please just make sure they understand the narcissist and how they can manipulate. I recommend listening to the many YouTube videos by Dr. Ramani and Lisa A Romano on narcissists.

Next week, in part 3 of our series, I will be discussing the malignant narcissist. He, she, they can be overt or/and covert, and they are the most dangerous and sometimes difficult to distinguish between a psychopath or a sociopath. I will make that distinction. I will discuss malignant narcissist traits, signs of a malignant narcissist, and how to cope with one.

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