Understanding the Narcissist Can Set You Free
Blog Series Part 1: The Covert Narcissist
Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW
The best defense when dealing with a narcissist is to know exactly whom you are dealing with. I hope that this knowledge will help you understand that the way they act toward you is not your fault but a reflection on themselves. They are extraordinarily predictable, and if you can anticipate their behavior and understand that their behavior is not personal, you can protect yourself emotionally. This is true in romantic relationships, relationships within the family, friendships, and the workplace.
In retrospect, this knowledge has helped me gain insight into my past relationships and help me cope with present ones. My knowledge previously was much more clinical. In this blog, I am not discussing the DSM-5-TR diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD.) This diagnosis should be made by a mental health professional with their client who is seeking help because they feel their NPD is negatively affecting their life. It is extremely rare for someone with NPD to seek professional help.
What is NOT rare is how a person with narcissistic traits can negatively affect those around them. I hope that the people who are negatively affected will seek help by friends, counselors, psychotherapists, life coaches, faith-based coaches, or other professionals who understand the narcissist and how they can manipulate their client as well as the professional, especially in couples and family therapy.
There is much too much to write about in a single blog. Therefore, I am going to write a series of blogs to help explain the different types of narcissists, how they function, how they can make us feel and how to cope. In this series, I will also discuss the many terms used when discussing a narcissist. I hope this will help the reader better recognize the narcissist, and gain insight into how they manipulate and ways to cope and recover.
I am hopeful that this blog series will help you recognize the red flags and avoid engaging in a relationship with a narcissist. But if you are already in a relationship with a narcissist, I hope you can become aware of whom you are dealing with and make appropriate boundaries to protect yourself. And if you had engaged in a relationship with a narcissist and have already set up boundaries, I hope you will now gain better insight and rid yourself of the blame, shame, and guilt. The immediate aftermath can be as painful as the relationship, which can leave you quite vulnerable to narcissist manipulations. With knowledge, healthy boundaries, and support, you can lead a much healthier and happier life.
All types of narcissists can be dangerous to your physical and mental health, lack empathy, have an exaggerated sense of importance, crave admiration and acknowledgment, experience delusions of being influential or accomplished, exaggerate their abilities, accomplishments, and uniqueness, feel superior to others, believe that the world owes them, and exploit others without caring how it may impact them.
Narcissists often lack insight and self-awareness, and although they may understand their behavior hurts others, they don’t care.
Most narcissists have a fragile sense of self and are doing whatever they can to stop the world from seeing who they are inside, and to see themselves honestly.
They crave narcissistic supply to help them feel better about themselves and will do anything to get it despite who they may hurt.
Today, I am going to discuss the covert narcissist. I find that people are less aware that they exist. They are more aware of the overt narcissist (also called the grandiose narcissist and agentic narcissist,) who are much more visible and easier to detect.
The covert narcissist (also referred to as the vulnerable narcissist and the closet narcissist) has the same qualities as I just mentioned but act differently. They are less obvious and more subtle in how they communicate, but still have the same behavior, just in a more secret way, and because of that, the victims are not always believed and do not get the support they need from friends and family.
The covert narcissist
*lacks empathy
*has an exaggerated sense of importance
*craves admiration and acknowledgment
*experiences delusions of being influential or accomplished
*exaggerates their abilities, accomplishments, and uniqueness
*feels superior to others
*believes that the world owes them
*exploits others without caring how it may impact them
*lacks insight and self-awareness
*understands and does not care their behavior has a negative impact on others
*has a fragile sense of self and will do whatever it takes not to let the world see their true self or remind them of this self and are doing whatever they can to protect the world from seeing it or remind them it exists.
*craves narcissistic supply to help them feel better about themselves and will do anything to get it despite whom it may hurt
A covert narcissist may act...
*insecure
*withdrawn
*arrogant
*like they are always the victim *defensive
*having great difficulty excepting criticism.
*with the attitude that the world has done them wrong *wounded
*passive-aggressive
A covert narcissist may...
*blame others
*not care about the feelings of others
*not care what others need or want
*shame and guilt others to control them
*lack empathy for another person’s feelings and needs
*expect others to take care of them
*learn a person’s vulnerabilities, their childhood, and adult wounds and use them to hurt them *ignore and dismiss another person’s feelings
*use gaslighting
Please note: The covert narcissist’s traits can be challenging to recognize. The covert narcissist’s vulnerability, insecurity, and their stories where they are always being the victim can draw in co-dependents and empaths who want to heal them and lessen their pain. That was me. Even once you realize how unhealthy the relationship is, you may still find yourself excusing their behavior because of how empathic you feel toward them. By being able to recognize who they are, you may avoid engaging in a relationship with a covert narcissist or at least better navigate your interactions with them.
Most people who are not directly in a relationship with a narcissist may not see the covert narcissist for who they are, and thus, you may not be believed and not get the support needed. Please see a therapist specialize in narcissist relationships.
Please do not take what they say personally. The way they behave toward you has nothing to do with you, even if it feels that way.
Please remember that you cannot change another person, but you can change how you see a person and interact with them.
Please set boundaries and distance to stop them from being able to hurt you
Please seek help. Support is key. Therapist, support group, life coach, and faith-based coach are examples of the support available. Please just make sure they understand the narcissist and how they can manipulate.
Next blog, part 2, I will discuss other types of narcissists and in future blogs I will discuss useful terms often used to help understand a narcissist, and its impact on their relationships.
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