By Jessica Anne Pressler

Leaving or divorcing a narcissist, particularly when children are involved, is a complex and emotionally challenging process. The unique characteristics of a person with high narcissistic traitscan make separation and divorce exceptionally difficult. This guide provides an in-depth look at what to expect and how to cope.

 

When Leaving a Narcissist:

 

1. Initial Reaction: Narcissists typically react to abandonment with intense emotions and manipulative behaviors. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist specializing in narcissism, notes that their responses often include:

  - Rage: Explosive anger, verbal abuse, or even physical aggression.

  - Denial: Refusing to accept the reality of the separation.

  - Manipulation: Using guilt, threats, or promises of change to maintain control.

  - Love bombing: Showering the partner with affection and grand gestures.

  - Devaluation: Alternating between idealization and cruel criticism (Durvasula, 2019).

 

2. Smear Campaign: Narcissists often engage in reputation damage as a form of retaliation. This can involve:

  - Spreading false rumors or exaggerated truths about the ex-partner.

  - Portraying themselves as the victim and the ex-partner as the abuser.

  - Recruiting friends, family, or colleagues to their side (Arabi, 2017). These abusers by proxy are called flying monkeys.

 

3. Hoovering: Named after the Hoover vacuum, this refers to attempts to "suck" the partner back into the relationship. Tactics may include:

  - Fake emergencies or crises

  - Promises of change or therapy

  - Appealing to shared history or children's needs

  - Love bombing or grand romantic gestures (Schneider, 2020)

 

4. Financial Manipulation: Narcissists often use money as a tool for control. This can manifest as:

  - Withholding financial resources

  - Hiding assets

  - Racking up debt in the partner's name

  - Using financial threats as leverage (Edmunds, 2019)

 

Divorcing a Narcissist with Children:

 

1. Custody Battles: Narcissists often view children as extensions of themselves and fight aggressively for custody. This is typically motivated by:

  - Desire to maintain control over the ex-partner

  - Using children as a source of narcissistic supply

  - Wanting to "win" the divorce (Banschick, 2018)

 

2. Parental Alienation: This involves systematic attempts to damage the child's relationship with the other parent. Techniques may include:

  - Speaking negatively about the other parent to the child

  - Interfering with communication or visitation

  - Rewarding the child for rejecting the other parent (Baker, 2018)

 

3. Using Children as Pawns: Narcissists may exploit children in various ways:

  - Gathering information about the ex-partner

  - Sending messages through the children

  - Using visitation as a bargaining tool (Warshak, 2015)

 

4. Inconsistent Parenting: The narcissist's parenting style often fluctuates between:

  - Neglect: Ignoring the children's needs when they don't serve the narcissist's purposes

  - Overindulgence: Spoiling children to win their loyalty or compete with the other parent (McBride, 2016)

 

5. Continued Control Attempts: Co-parenting with a narcissist often becomes a new arena for control:

  - Insisting on excessive communication under the guise of co-parenting

  - Refusing to follow court orders or parenting agreements

  - Using children's events or school functions to maintain contact (Eddy, 2019)

 

 

Why Narcissists Act This Way Post-Separation:

 

1. Loss of Narcissistic Supply: Separation threatens their primary source of attention and admiration, leading to desperate attempts to regain it (Malkin, 2015).

 

2. Wounded Ego: Being left severely damages their self-image of perfection and superiority, triggering intense narcissistic injury (Behary, 2013).

 

3. Loss of Control: Narcissists struggle with any loss of control, viewing it as a personal attack (Thomas, 2016).

 

4. Fear of Exposure: They may worry about their true nature being revealed, threatening their carefully crafted public image (Arabi, 2017).

 

5. Inability to Process Emotions: Lack of emotional maturity leads to maladaptive coping mechanisms and extreme reactions (Durvasula, 2019).

 

6. Revenge: Many narcissists view the separation as a personal slight that must be punished (Schneider, 2020).

 

 

Grieving and Healing After a Narcissistic Relationship

 

The end of any significant relationship can be challenging, but breaking up with a narcissist presents unique difficulties. The process involves not only grieving the loss of the relationship but also healing from the trauma inflicted by narcissistic abuse and breaking the powerful trauma bond that often forms in these relationships.

 

Understanding the Grief Process

 

Grieving after a narcissistic relationship is complex and often prolonged. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) can provide a framework for understanding this process, though it's important to note that grief is rarely linear and individuals may move back and forth between stages (Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2005).

 

1. Denial: Initially, you may struggle to accept the reality of the relationship's toxicity or its end.

2. Anger: As the reality sets in, feelings of rage towards the narcissist or yourself may emerge.

3. Bargaining: You might find yourself wanting to give the relationship "one more chance" or believing you can change the narcissist.

4. Depression: A period of deep sadness is common as you process the loss and the abuse you've endured.

5. Acceptance: Gradually, you begin to accept the reality of the situation and focus on moving forward.

 

Breaking the Trauma Bond

 

A trauma bond is a strong emotional attachment formed through cycles of abuse, devaluation, and positive reinforcement. Breaking this bond is crucial for healing but can be extremely challenging. Dr. Patrick Carnes, who coined the term "trauma bonding," describes it as a form of Stockholm Syndrome where the victim forms a strong attachment to their abuser (Carnes, 2019).

 

Steps to break the trauma bond include:

 

1. Recognize the bond: Understand that your attachment is a result of trauma, not love.

2. No Contact or Limited Contact: Minimize or eliminate contact with the narcissist to break the cycle of abuse.

3. Educate yourself: Learn about narcissistic personality disorder and trauma bonding to understand your experience.

4. Challenge cognitive distortions: Work on identifying and changing negative thought patterns that keep you bonded to the abuser.

5. Process the trauma: Engage in trauma-focused therapy to work through the emotional impact of the abuse.

 

 

Coping Strategies:

 

1. Establish Clear Boundaries: Set and maintain firm boundaries in all interactions. Be consistent and unemotional in enforcing them (Tawwab, 2021). It is at my recommendation that you have little to no interaction depending on if you have children or not. That means do not look at their social media, nor their friends and families’ social media. There are apps for communicating in regard to children and all legal discussions should be between lawyers. I will always recommend not engage with a narcissist.

 

2. Document Everything: Keep detailed records of all communications, incidents, and financial transactions. This can be crucial in legal proceedings (Eddy, 2019). This documentation has to do with protecting herself legally and having proof towards yourself. There is no need to show any of this to your narcissistic partner. It will most likely cause him her or they to be angry, and you will be the victim of their rage they will most likely deny, whatever is presented and blame shift and gaslight you in other ways as well.

 

3. Seek Professional Help: Work with a therapist experienced in narcissistic abuse recovery. They can provide valuable support and coping strategies (Staik, 2019). If you get therapy for your children, make sure they understand narcissistic abuse, and they will be able to cope with your narcissistic ex. Modalities like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be particularly effective (Staik, 2019).

 

4. Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, and professionals that are kind, empathetic, compassionate, and nonjudgmental, and has knowledge on people with high narcissistic traits. Consider joining support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse (Arabi, 2017).

 

5. Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize your physical and emotional well-being. Engage in activities that promote healing and self-esteem. Prioritize your physical and emotional well-being. This includes regular exercise, healthy eating, adequate sleep, and engaging in activities you enjoy (Streep, 2019). Practice Mindfulness: Techniques like meditation and mindfulness can help manage anxiety and rumination common after narcissistic abuse (van der Kolk, 2014). Reconnect with Yourself: Narcissistic relationships often involve a loss of self. Engage in activities that help you rediscover your interests, values, and goals (Northrup, 2018). Be Patient with Yourself: Healing is a process that takes time. Be compassionate with yourself and celebrate small victories (Walker, 2013).

 

6. Educate Yourself: Learn about narcissistic personality disorder and its impacts. Knowledge is power in dealing with narcissistic behaviors (Thomas, 2016). Knowledge is our superpower. The more we know the more we realize that what they say, and how they act is predictable and little to do with us. We also understand with knowledge that they are very unlikely to change.

 

7. Consider Legal Protection: Consult with a lawyer experienced in high-conflict divorces. They can help protect your rights and navigate the legal complexities (Eddy, 2019). I recommend that you get a lawyer that understands narcissistic abuse and can handle your act and their manipulation.

 

 

Resources for Coping with a Narcissistic Breakup:

 

1. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

  Website: www.thehotline.org

 

2. Psychology Today Therapist Directory

  Website: www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

 

3. Narcissistic Abuse Support

  Website: www.narcissisticabuserecovery.online

 

4. Out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)

  Website: www.outofthefog.website

 

5. Surviving Narcissism (Dr. Les Carter)

  YouTube: www.youtube.com/c/SurvivingNarcissism

 

6. Books:

  - "Psychopath Free" by Jackson MacKenzie

  - "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk

  - "Whole Again" by Jackson MacKenzie

  - "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker

 

Healing from a relationship with a narcissist is a journey that takes time. It's crucial to prioritize your safety and well-being, as well as that of your children. Professional support can be invaluable in navigating this challenging process. Please see previous blogs @jessicaannepressler.com on partner violence, narcissism and grief. Healing from a narcissistic relationship is a journey. It's normal to have setbacks, but with time, support, and self-compassion, recovery is possible.

 

 

DISCLAIMER:

 

The contents of this website; blog, video, articles, media, social media, book, and references, are ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, or determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.  

 

Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider.

 

Call 911 if there is an emergency.

Call or text 988, which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,

Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed.

 

Looking at, reading, listening to any information on my website, social media, YouTube, or book, and communicating with me by email or any other communication with me, you acknowledge and agree that we do not have a professional/client relationship. Use of this site and information associated with this site is solely at the visitor’s own risk.

 

 

References:

 

Arabi, S. (2017). Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.

 

Baker, A. J. L. (2018). Surviving Parental Alienation: A Journey of Hope and Healing. Rowman & Littlefield Publishers.

 

Banschick, M. (2018). The Intelligent Divorce: Taking Care of Your Children. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.

 

Behary, W. T. (2013). Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed. New Harbinger Publications.

 

Durvasula, R. (2019). "Don't You Know Who I Am?": How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.

 

Eddy, B. (2019). BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts. Unhooked Books.

 

Edmunds, G. (2019). The Financial Abuse of Divorcing Women: A Practical Guide. Independently published.

 

Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad-and Surprising Good-About Feeling Special. HarperCollins.

 

McBride, K. (2016). Will I Ever Be Free of You?: How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family. Atria Books.

 

Schneider, A. (2020). The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free. Hachette Books.

 

Staik, A. (2019). Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: The Ultimate Guide for How to Understand, Cope, and Move on from Narcissism in Toxic Relationships. Independently published.

 

Streep, P. (2019). Daughter Detox: Recovering from An Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. Île D'Éspoir Press.

 

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. TarcherPerigee.

 

Thomas, S. (2016). Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse. MAST Publishing House.

 

Warshak, R. A. (2015). Divorce Poison New and Updated Edition: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing. William Morrow Paperbacks.

 

Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Scribner.

 

Northrup, C. (2018). Dodging Energy Vampires: An Empath's Guide to Evading Relationships That Drain You and Restoring Your Health and Power. Hay House Inc.

 

Staik, A. (2019). Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: The Ultimate Guide for How to Understand, Cope, and Move on from Narcissism in Toxic Relationships. Independently published.

 

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.

 

Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma. Azure Coyote.