Intimate Partner Abuse
by Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW
Intimate partner abuse, also known as domestic violence, is a pervasive and complex issue affecting millions of individuals worldwide. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) defines intimate partner violence as "physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, or psychological harm by a current or former partner or spouse" (CDC, 2021). This definition encompasses a wide range of abusive behaviors, including but not limited to:
1. Physical abuse (e.g., hitting, kicking, pushing)
2. Sexual abuse (e.g., forced sexual acts, sexual coercion)
3. Emotional abuse (e.g., insults, humiliation, manipulation)
4. Economic abuse (e.g., controlling finances, preventing employment)
5. Stalking and harassment
What does it feel like to be the victim of Intimate Partner Abuse?
Living in a relationship with an abusive partner is an intensely traumatic and complex experience, often characterized by a constant state of fear, confusion, and emotional turmoil. To understand what it feels like to be a victim of intimate partner violence, it's important to recognize that the experience can vary greatly from person to person, but there are common themes that many survivors report:
1. Constant Fear and Hypervigilance: Victims often describe living in a state of perpetual fear, always on edge and anticipating the next outburst or violent episode. This hypervigilance can be exhausting, leading to physical symptoms such as insomnia, anxiety, and chronic fatigue. As one survivor put it, "I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells, never knowing what might set him off."
2. Isolation and Loneliness: Abusers often isolate their victims from friends, family, and support systems. This isolation can lead to intense feelings of loneliness and despair. Victims may feel trapped, with no one to turn to for help or understanding. "I felt like I was on an island, completely alone and cut off from the world," a survivor recounted.
3. Confusion and Self-Doubt: Gaslighting and emotional manipulation are common tactics used by abusers, leading victims to question their own perceptions and memories. This can result in a profound sense of confusion and self-doubt. Victims may find themselves constantly second-guessing their own thoughts and feelings. "I started to think maybe I was crazy, that everything was my fault," is a common sentiment expressed by survivors.
4. Loss of Self-Esteem and Identity: Constant criticism, put-downs, and emotional abuse can erode a person's sense of self-worth and identity. Many victims describe feeling like a shell of their former selves, losing touch with their own desires, opinions, and personality. "I didn't recognize myself anymore. It was like I ceased to exist as an individual," one survivor shared.
5. Emotional Numbness: To cope with the constant stress and pain, many victims describe experiencing emotional numbness. This can manifest as a detachment from one's own feelings and experiences, a survival mechanism to endure the ongoing trauma.
6. Cycles of Hope and Despair: The cycle of abuse, as described by Dr. Lenore Walker, often includes periods of relative calm or even affection (the "honeymoon phase"). These periods can instill hope in the victim that things will change, making it harder to leave. The inevitable return to tension and violence then plunges the victim back into despair. This emotional rollercoaster can be incredibly draining and confusing.
7. Physical Pain and Health Issues: Beyond the immediate injuries from physical abuse, the chronic stress of living in an abusive relationship can lead to a host of health problems. These may include chronic pain, gastrointestinal issues, and a weakened immune system.
8. Shame and Self-Blame: Many victims internalize the abuse, feeling intense shame and blaming themselves for their situation. "I kept thinking if only I could be better, do more, he wouldn't hurt me," is a common refrain among survivors.
9. Financial Insecurity: Economic abuse is a common tactic used by abusers to maintain control. This can leave victims feeling trapped and unable to leave due to financial dependence. The stress of economic insecurity adds another layer to the already overwhelming experience.
10. Fear for Children: For victims with children, there's often an added layer of fear and stress. They worry about the impact of the abuse on their children and may feel guilty for exposing them to violence. The fear of losing custody can also be a significant factor in staying in the relationship.
11. Loss of Trust: The experience of intimate partner violence can profoundly impact a person's ability to trust others, even long after leaving the abusive relationship. This can affect future relationships and interactions with others.
Living with an abusive partner is often described as living in a war zone, where danger is ever-present and unpredictable. The psychological toll of this constant stress can lead to long-lasting trauma, including PTSD, depression, and anxiety disorders.
It's crucial to understand that despite these overwhelming challenges, many survivors find the strength to leave abusive relationships and rebuild their lives. With support, therapy, and time, healing is possible. However, the journey to recovery is often long and complex, requiring patience, understanding, and compassionate support from others.
Physical abuse can result in immediate injuries and long-term health consequences. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), women who experience intimate partner violence are twice as likely to experience depression and 1.5 times more likely to acquire HIV compared to women who have not experienced violence (WHO, 2021).
The Cycle of Abuse in Domestic Violence
The cycle of abuse, first proposed by psychologist Lenore Walker in 1979, is a conceptual model that describes the pattern of behavior in abusive relationships. This cycle helps explain why victims often find it difficult to leave abusive situations and why the abuse tends to recur. While not all abusive relationships follow this exact pattern, understanding the cycle can provide valuable insights into the dynamics of domestic violence. The cycle typically consists of four main phases:
1. Tension Building Phase: During this phase, stress begins to build in the relationship. The abuser may become increasingly irritable, frustrated, or unpredictable. The victim often feels like they're "walking on eggshells," trying to placate the abuser and prevent an outburst. Common behaviors during this phase include:
- Minor incidents of verbal abuse
- Passive-aggressive behavior
- Increased criticism and control
- Threats or intimidation
The tension building phase can last for days, weeks, or even months. The victim may attempt to reason with the abuser or try to calm them down, often taking responsibility for the abuser's behavior.
2. Acute Violence Phase:This is the explosive stage where the tension that has built up is released through physical, emotional, or sexual violence. This phase is typically shorter than the others but is the most dangerous. Characteristics of this phase include:
- Physical assault
- Severe verbal abuse
- Sexual violence
- Destruction of property
- Threats of harm to the victim or others
During this phase, the victim's primary focus is often on survival and de-escalation.
3. Reconciliation/Honeymoon Phase:Following the violent outburst, the abuser may express remorse, apologize profusely, and promise to change. This phase is characterized by:
- Apologies and promises of change
- Gifts or special treatment
- Apparent return to "normal" behavior
- Blaming external factors for the abuse
- Minimizing or denying the abuse
This phase can be particularly confusing for the victim, as it may rekindle hope that the relationship can improve. The abuser may seem like the person the victim first fell in love with, making it difficult to leave.
4. Calm Phase: Also known as the "normal" phase, this period is characterized by relative calm. The abuse may stop or lessen significantly. The abuser might:
- Follow through on promises made during the reconciliation phase
- Seek couples counseling or individual therapy
- Demonstrate improved behavior temporarily
However, underlying tensions and power imbalances often remain unresolved, setting the stage for the cycle to begin again.
It's important to note that over time, the cycle may become more frequent and severe, with the tension building and acute violence phases lengthening while the reconciliation and calm phases shorten or disappear entirely.
Understanding this cycle is crucial for several reasons:
1. It helps victims recognize patterns in their relationships and understand that the abuse is not their fault.
2. It explains why leaving an abusive relationship can be so challenging, as victims may hold onto hope during the reconciliation phase.
3. It assists professionals in developing targeted interventions and support strategies.
4. It highlights the importance of breaking the cycle through early intervention and comprehensive support for both victims and abusers.
While the cycle of abuse provides a valuable framework for understanding domestic violence, it's essential to remember that every abusive relationship is unique. Not all relationships will follow this exact pattern, and the duration and intensity of each phase can vary significantly.
The Dangers of Leaving:
Leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time for victims. The National Domestic Violence Hotline reports that the risk of homicide increases by 75% when a victim leaves or attempts to leave an abusive relationship (NDVH, 2020). This heightened risk underscores the importance of careful planning and support when leaving an abusive situation.
Safety Planning: The National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence (NCDSV) (2019) provides a comprehensive safety plan template to help individuals prepare for leaving an abusive relationship safely. This template serves as a valuable tool for clinicians working with survivors of intimate partner violence. Here's an organized and detailed breakdown of these eight steps:
1. Strategies to Avoid Violent Incidents or Obtain Help:
- Keep car keys in a purse near the door for quick escape
- Memorize emergency contact numbers
- Identify safe rooms in the house with sturdy locks and no potential weapons
- Create a code word to alert friends or family of danger
2. Strategies for Planning to Leave the Relationship:
- Store important documents at a trusted friend's or neighbor's home
- Open a separate savings account unknown to the abusive partner
- Gradually move essential items to a safe location
- Research local shelters and support services
3. Safety Measures Within the Home:
- Install rope ladders for upper-floor window escapes
- Replace wooden doors with metal ones
- Install security systems or cameras if possible
- Rearrange furniture to create clear paths to exits
4. Steps to Enforce a Protective Order:
- Always keep a copy of the order on your person
- Provide copies to trusted neighbors, workplace, and children's schools
- Inform local law enforcement about the order
- Document any violations immediately
5. Plan to Enhance Personal Strength:
- Seek regular therapy or counseling
- Practice daily affirmations
- Join a support group for survivors
- Engage in self-care activities like exercise or meditation
6. Essential Items to Prepare for Leaving:
- Passport and driver's license
- Birth certificates (personal and children's)
- Social Security cards
- Financial documents (checkbook, credit cards, bank statements)
- Medical records and insurance information
- School and immunization records for children
- Divorce or custody papers, if applicable
- Cash and spare keys
7. Creating a Support Network:
- Identify trusted friends, family members, or neighbors
- Share your safety plan with selected individuals
- Arrange for safe childcare if needed
- Connect with local domestic violence organizations
8. Safety Measures for After Leaving:
- Change locks and reinforce doors and windows
- Alter daily routines and travel routes
- Inform workplace security about the situation
- Consider obtaining a new phone number and email address
By following these steps, survivors can create a comprehensive safety plan that addresses various aspects of their situation. It's important to note that each plan should be tailored to the individual's specific circumstances and regularly updated as situations change. Clinicians should work closely with survivors to ensure the plan is realistic, achievable, and prioritizes their safety and well-being.
How to Help Someone in an Abusive Relationship:Supporting someone in an abusive relationship requires patience, understanding, and careful consideration. Here are some ways to help.
1. Believe them: Listen without judgment and believe their experiences. Validate their feelings and concerns.
2. Offer support: Let them know you're there for them, no matter what they decide to do.
3. Don't criticize their decisions: Even if you disagree with their choices, criticism can push them away and isolate them further.
4. Provide information: Share resources about domestic violence but let them decide how to use the information.
5. Help with safety planning: Assist them in creating a safety plan for leaving or staying.
6. Respect their privacy: Keep their situation confidential unless they give you permission to share.
7. Be patient: Leaving an abusive relationship is a process, and it can take time.
8. Encourage professional help: Suggest they speak with a counselor or domestic violence advocate.
9. Offer practical help: This could include a place to stay, childcare, or assistance with daily tasks.
10. Take care of yourself: Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can be emotionally taxing. Ensure you're also getting the support you need.
Resources for Victims of Abuse:
1. National Domestic Violence Hotline
Phone: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
TTY: 1-800-787-3224
Website: www.thehotline.org
Chat: Available on their website
2. National Sexual Assault Hotline
Phone: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
Website: www.rainn.org
Chat: Available on their website
3. Love Is Respect (for teens and young adults)
Phone: 1-866-331-9474
Text: LOVEIS to 22522
Website: www.loveisrespect.org
Chat: Available on their website
4. National Center for Victims of Crime
Phone: 1-855-4-VICTIM (84-2846)
Website: www.victimsofcrime.org
5. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Website: www.ncadv.org
6. National Network to End Domestic Violence
Website: www.nnedv.org
7. Futures Without Violence
Website: www.futureswithoutviolence.org
8. Casa de Esperanza (for Latina women)
Phone: 1-651-772-1611
Website: www.casadeesperanza.org
9. Asian Pacific Institute on Gender-Based Violence
Website: www.api-gbv.org
10. Strong Hearts Native Helpline (for Native Americans)
Phone: 1-844-7NATIVE (762-8483)
Website: www.strongheartshelpline.org
11. The Northwest Network (LGBTQ+ support)
Website: www.nwnetwork.org
12. National Clearinghouse on Abuse in Later Life
Website: www.ncall.us
Remember, in an emergency situation, always call 911 or your local emergency services. These resources provide confidential support, information, and referrals to local services. Encourage the person you're helping to reach out to these organizations when they feel ready and safe to do so.
Conclusion: Intimate partner abuse is a serious issue with far-reaching consequences. By understanding the dynamics of abuse, recognizing the dangers, and knowing how to access support, we can work towards creating safer communities and supporting those affected by intimate partner violence.
References:
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). (2021). Intimate Partner Violence. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/index.html
National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence (NCDSV). (2019). Safety Plan Template. http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf
National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH). (2020). Statistics. https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/
Walker, L. E. (1979). The Battered Woman. Harper & Row.
World Health Organization (WHO). (2021). Violence against women. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violence-against-women
Ali, P. A., Dhingra, K., & McGarry, J. (2016). A literature review of intimate partner violence and its classifications. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 31, 16-25.
Domestic Violence Roundtable. (n.d.). The Cycle of Domestic Violence. Retrieved from https://www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org/domestic-violence-cycle.html
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Understand Relationship Abuse. Retrieved from https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/understand-relationship-abuse/
World Health Organization. (2021). Violence against women. Retrieved from https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violence-against-women
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