How to Break the Cycle of Abuse

By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW

Know this...

*You are powerless to change another person, but you do have the power to make changes for yourself. In doing so, you must gain insight into why you act the way you do in toxic and abusive relationships and why you stay in them.

*I want to stress that a victim of abuse is always a victim. No matter what you do, the abuser is always at fault and the victim is always the victim. But I would be remiss, and I would enable the abuse to continue, if I did not try to help victims gain insight into why they remain in abusive relationships.

*The person you are today is made up of every experience you have had until this very moment.

*You carry the effects of these experiences throughout your life; consciously and unconsciously, good, and bad.

*Experiences include what you witnessed, how you felt, and what was taught to you.

*Childhood and adult trauma can be triggered throughout your life and that can have a profound effect on you and your relationships.

*Here are some examples of why a person may stay in abusive relationships:

1. It feels normal

2. Make excuses for the abuse

3. Shame

4. Rationalization

5. Represses abuser’s behavior

6. Afraid to be alone

7. Afraid to leave

8. Overwhelming sense of loyalty

9. Thought no one else would love them

10. Thinks this is love

11. Thinks it will get better one day

12. Believes the dangling carrot will happen

13. Thinks the abuse is their fault

14. Doesn’t understand they are being financially, sexually, emotionally abused or that being bullied, or given the silent treatment to punish them or being neglected is also abusive

15. Minimizes the abuse

16. Overall acceptance of the abuse

To Break the Cycle of Abuse, you must first identify your Traitor Within.

So, what is your Traitor Within?

Your Traitor Within is your inner saboteur, that part of you that will take you down a path of self-destruction. It can be an inner voice or an unconscious inner force that is usually developed in your childhood, although it can be formed any time in your life. The Traitor Within is shaped by external voices of influential people in your life, observations of them, how they treated you and by childhood and adult trauma which then becomes triggered in relationships.

I came up with the concept Traitor Within when I was trying to figure out why I stayed in several toxic and abusive relationships, some for many years. I wondered why I couldn’t break my dysfunctional pattern. I wondered why I didn’t leave. I saw red flags, sometimes. But despite being a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who works as a psychotherapist for many years, I still couldn’t stop my dysfunctional patterns. My own Traitor Within prevented me from leaving unhealthy relationships and contributing to its dysfunction.

The first thing you need to do is identify your Traitor Within. For me, she was not an actual voice that I spoke to but for some she, he, they could be. For me, my Traitor Within was a part of my being and was responsible for how I responded to my partner in romantic relationships. For me, the external voices of three very strong women in my childhood became a part of me like the blood in my veins. I watched how they acted toward their partners and heard stories of their relationships and received endless advice on how I should act in my own romantic relationships. These were women who were powerhouses in all aspects of their lives except with their partners. In addition, my Traitor Within was also created by trauma from my childhood that left me co-dependent and terrified to be abandoned.

Your Traitor Within is personal to you. What messaging you learned, what you observed and what was told to you as a child and adult is personal to you. What trauma occurred in your life is personal as well. How you were treated as a child and as an adult is your story. Once you identify your traitor, your inner saboteur, will have the knowledge and power to begin to make necessary changes in your life. Please do so with a therapist/coach/friend. This is not easy but trust me worth it.

My memoir, Traitor Within, illustrates my own journey of self-discovery. My hope is that this book will help others discover their inner saboteur and stop their own self-destructive patterns as I did. Traitor Within will be available early 2023.

DISCLAIMER:

The contents of this website; blog, video, articles, media, book, references, are ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.

Please seek consultation by appropriate healthcare provider.

Call 911 if emergency.

Call or text 988 which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,

Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed.

Looking, reading, listening to any information on my website, book, and communication with me by email or any other communication with me, you acknowledge and agree that we do not have a professional/client relationship. Use of this site and information associated with this site is solely at the visitor’s own risk.