Be Aware Grieving Can Make You Vulnerable
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary: grief is “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.”
According to the New Oxford American dictionary: grief is “deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.
When a loved one dies, a person may feel:
Pain, completely alone, in shock, in denial, disbelief, sadness, depressed, numb, panic, overwhelmed, anger, relief, sense of unreality, fear, anxiety, frustration, irritability, guilt, helplessness, shame, isolation, loneliness, like they are going crazy, a loss control of their emotions, no one understands, something is wrong with them, this pain will never end, physical pain, difficulty sleeping, difficulty not sleeping, change in appetite, exhaustion, headaches, stomach aches, neck and back aches, restlessness, over sensitive to sound and light and smell and people, increased heartrate, chest tightness, dizziness, memory loss, in a fog, difficulty concentrating, increased illness, fearful of their own death or others close to them, increased anxiety, that they lost control of their feelings, concerned that they are crying all the time and out of nowhere, difficulty concentrating, little interest in others, events, and life, vivid dreams and nightmares about the lost loved ones, longing to “join them” which frighten them, angry at God, questioning their religious beliefs and faith, shame, punished, a need to question life, they may wonder “Why them?” “Why is it happening to me?” “No one will ever love me again,” Resentful of others, jealous of others, relieved and guilty of feeling relieved. A person may feel they lost their identity, their purpose, their dreams. They may feel they lost their soulmate, their best friend or may feel relieved that they lost someone they did not like anymore and happy for a fresh start but with that may come guilt and a person may feel their loved one died before they could say or do something leaving unfinished business. A person may crave; an ongoing connection to their loved one, the knowledge that their loved one will be OK, and proof that they will see them again, proof that their loved one is watching over them. A person may feel all noted, several noted, none noted, or something not yet noted.
My experience as a hospice social worker for the past sixteen years and my encounter with death when my parents, sibling, aunt, grandmother, friends, and furry friends died, have given me a greater understanding of how vulnerable a person can be when they are grieving the loss of their loved one. For some, this is the most difficult time in their lives. And as such, may make decisions that are not in their best interests or be pray for others to take advantage of them. I tend to recommend to the bereaved that, if possible, should not make any major decisions for a year after their loved ones die. This includes moving, getting rid of keepsakes and mementos, changing jobs and careers, and major relationship decisions. There is a myriad of emotions as noted above that can change from moment to moment and with that their decisions. I do recognize that there are some that must be made, and I suggest they seek help. I recommend that the bereaved reach out to friends, therapists, grief counselors, bereavement groups, religious leaders, and others for support and guidance. If you must make major financial decisions, please seek guidance from a knowledgeable professional.
During this time, you may not be able to think logically and make decisions that you may regret and not be reversible. I remember one of my bereavement group members telling the group that it was too painful for him to have his wife’s things around him after she died and had donated, thrown out, or given away all her personal items, pictures, and even their bed. Six months later he realized he wanted everything he gave away. Despite his desperate attempts to get them back he could not. He was devastated, overwhelmed with guilt, and felt anger toward himself for making such a decision and is now coping with the loss of her things and things they shared. If I had known him before he removed her personal items, I would have recommended that he store her items and we would revisit his decision in the future.
I also want to discuss the vulnerability of the bereaved regarding romantic relationships. Many after losing their spouse are left feeling lost, lonely, depressed, hopeless, loss of identity, loss of purpose, helpless, and missing companionship, missing feeling loved and missing their best friend. They may be easily drawn in by another person without the ability to recognize red flags or worse they are being manipulated. I have heard several stories of widowers who met woman online and gave away much of their money to them, without even meeting them.
I also want to touch upon the vulnerability of the bereaved when they reach out to psychics and mediums hoping to communicate with or about their deceased loved ones. I have personally spoken to many over the years, and some appear genuine, but others appear to be charlatans who are praying on the vulnerability of the ones in mourning. They are very clever in their tactics but when closely and objectively examined you can see their flaws. Being objective at the time may be near impossible.
In conclusion, I just want people to be aware that during the early stages of grieving a person may not be able to make decisions that are in their best interest, and they may want to rely on people they trust to help them. It could be friends, family, and professionals… not to make the decisions for them but guidance. I also want to note that although this article focused on grieving after the death of a loved one, it may also apply to people who are grieving a relationship after a divorce or breakup.
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