I Think I am Going Crazy! Life With a Narcissist
Have you found that you are otherwise a stable person in all aspects of your life except with the narcissist? No wonder…….
Life with a narcissist is unbalanced and uncertain. They lie and when confronted they double down, deny, and/or turn it on you. They are erratic. They try to weaken and destabilize you. They are spin doctors. They use word salad. They purposely use language to influence their victim. They use little or no logic, circular discussions, condescending tone, over-generalizing, lying, and focusing on winning. They communicate in a way that will gaslight you. They will manipulate the topic by blame-shifting, projecting, stonewalling, changing the subject, putting you on the defensive, to escape accountability. They will confuse you, make you feel sorry for them, make you feel guilty, and pity them. Sometimes they do this to protect their persona, sometimes to feel in control and powerful, and sometimes just for fun as they watch you suffer.
After such a conversation with a narcissist, you may be left confused, taking the blame for something you never believed you did before this conversation and feeling sorry for the narcissist. You probably don’t even know what hit you but are left exhausted, beaten up, and feeling like you are going crazy.
One of the reasons narcissists act this way is because they are protecting their false sense of self. When someone questions their beliefs, it triggers their defense mechanisms to protect their false persona. Word salad is one coping mechanism they use to avoid facing accountability and avoid challenging their false self. Unfortunately, the other person becomes the target, and the narcissist doesn’t care what happens to them as he/she /they, lack empathy, and will say and do anything to protect themselves. This is extremely confusing to the victim because unless you understand this motive, their actions make no sense.
We must be careful not to internalize what they say. Just because your husband, mother, boss etc. said it was true, doesn’t mean what they said is true. It doesn’t mean they believe it’s true. They likely know what they said is a lie, but they insist it is true to manipulate you as I noted above. Don’t get caught up in convincing them of the truth, as I have in the past. If they don’t know the truth, then their thinking is so distorted and delusional that they will never see the truth. They do so to protect their false self.
Gaslighting is another tactic that the narcissist uses that may make you feel crazy. According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary gaslighting is “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories, and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty, of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.” A narcissist can use gaslighting to make you doubt what you believe to be true. This can cause the victim to feel cognitive dissonance.
According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary cognitive dissonance is “psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously.” Cognitive dissonance is an inconsistency between beliefs, behavior, and information. That inconstancy results in uncomfortable psychological discomfort. You know something is wrong but may not understand what. We then want to reduce that discomfort by using various coping mechanisms. We may rationalize what happened, deny anything happened, or blame ourselves. It is to help us feel less crazy.
In romantic narcissistic relationships a person may wonder after all the crazy-making behavior, why do we stay?
Sometimes the narcissist has used several manipulation strategies such as love bombing; used primarily in the beginning when they seem perfect and adoring, then emotional manipulation/abuse: which can be subtle and private, so others do not see, but little private stabs, withdrawal of attention, silent treatment, cruel words, punishing behavior are a few examples and often unpredictable. Then they fear you may leave, they hoover you to “suck” you back in, yes like the vacuum, with gifts, promises (future faking,) and temporary kindness. You begin to doubt yourself. You feel something is wrong but can’t figure out what or if you do you are told you are wrong. Now, your self-esteem is shot, you are always worried when the narcissist will strike again, and that strike is unpredictable because nothing makes sense. It is like you are living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And the narcissist will not own his behavior, unless he can use that, he will most likely turn fault on the victim.
Here is an example on how a victim rationalizes to make sense of the abuse.
Jill meets Jack, and he is a wonderful man who is very attentive and loving. In the beginning, hewalks her up the hill, carrying her case of bottled water. He is extremely kind and caring for the first six months. Then he changes. He not only stopped carrying her case of water up the hill, but he’s convinced her to carry his as well. He calls her names, criticizes her, yells at her, gives her the silent treatment, says one thing, and does another and doubts her reality. Jill is confused. It does not make sense to her that Jack is acting like this because the person she met months ago was sweet and kind. Jill expresses her feelings and Jack denies what she says to be true and tellsher, her feelings are stupid and immature, and she is never satisfied, and that no one will ever be able to please her. What makes this relationship confusing and uncomfortable for Jill is how wonderful jack used to be. Jill keeps remembering the wonderful days they had together and spends hours trying to figure out what she can do to make him like that again. Occasionally, Jack says something kind, reminding Jill of the man she met. Jill is trying to make sense of this and despite the hurtful way that Jack is treating her tries to rationalize and make excuses for his behavior. Maybe Jack is under stress bringing water up and down the hill all day. Maybe Jack hurt his head when he fell down the hill and she feels guilty for being unhappy and inconsiderate despite she fell after him. Maybe she wonders if she did something that upset him. Jill becomes obsessed with trying to pinpoint that moment she caused Jack to act this way and tried to figure out how she can make the relationship better. She constantly apologizes to him and often second guesses her decisions. She has lost all confidence in herself and relies more on Jack. Jill has decided that despite how exhausted she is, how bad she feels about herself and how unhappy she is, she would rather make this work than be alone and continues to make excuses for his behavior. After all how could she stay if she didn’t?
Relationships with narcissists can make you feel like you are going out of your mind. Without understanding how they manipulate and why they manipulate it is very easy to become paralyzed. Try to be mindful and present in the moment. Talk to friends you trust and a therapist. Join a group for victims of narcissists and speak opening about how you feel and your relationship, practice self-care, journal, and create healthy boundaries. Read about narcissists so you understand how they can manipulate. Awareness is a huge step toward recovery.
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