Words Hurt

by Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW

“Stick and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me...”

Well, that is far from the truth... at least for me. Words hurt! They can hurt from the moment you hear them and may continue to hurt you for the rest of your life. I know this is not coming from a healthy place, but there was a time when I would have rather been hit than be the recipient of someone’s cruel words or given the silent treatment... lack of words hurt too. Now I want none of it!

The word

*The initial sting of the actual word can be excruciating.

*The word may trigger a previous trauma and be devastating.

*When someone you love and/or highly value their opinion says cruel words to you, it can be extremely painful.

*Even a stranger can hurt your feelings, especially if what they say triggers a previous trauma. Even if they don’t...words hurt.

*The pain can be visceral.
*It may make you doubt yourself or your self-worth.

The pain caused by words can continue throughout your life; a possible scenario...

As a child, your primary caregiver, usually a parent, calls you a name or variations of that name, possibly many times during childhood. It becomes part of you. The way you feel may then become reinforced and triggered throughout your life. Let me use myself as an example.

I was blessed to be brought up in a home with extremely intelligent parents with brilliant friends. I would sit at the dinner table in silence, watching them speak about world events, politics, and law. I would soak up their knowledge, but I was terrified to speak because I was convinced that anything I would say would be wrong, and I would look ridiculous, and they would all know how much I lacked intelligence. I was convinced that I did not belong in their world. My brother, who was more than ten years younger than me, was born confident. I watched in awe as he easily joined in their conversations. I watched in awe as my friends and partners were also able to speak with confidence.

Why did I lack this confidence? I believe it was their words and how they acted toward me. I was told my feelings were ridiculous often. I was told children should be seen and not heard. The few times I tried to speak; they spoke over me. When I asked my mother for help with my homework, she always answered the questions for me before I could figure it out. She had no patience for me to think or what I had to say, often telling me she was too busy. Then my father, who was a great orator, never stopped to listen, and I didn’t have the confidence to keep trying to be heard. Later, I dated a man who called me variations of the word “stupid” many times, which only reinforced my truth.

For most of my life, I had little confidence in speaking about many subjects. Thankfully, I was confident in my field; despite being told by my parents that it was a worthless field and psychotherapists were “quacks.” So, spending most of my life feeling that I wasn’t smart enough, lacking the confidence to share my thoughts and feelings comfortably, and staying with partners who reinforced how I felt about myself, were some of the long-term effects of the harm of the words spoken to me. When I had children, they were not allowed to say the word “stupid.” I could not say it. It is only recently that I can utter this word. “Stupid” has finally lost its power. I have come a long way.

Healing begins by becoming aware of when your trauma began, by becoming mindful of how you feel when you hear certain words and when you are triggered. I recommend journaling, talking to a therapist, joining an appropriate group, and talking to a trusted friend. Try to remember that the words that are said to you usually have more to do with the person saying them than it has to do with you. Please do not let these words define you. I am aware it is not easy to undo many years of brainwashing. Please do not let these external negative voices become a part of you. Replace the negative words with positive words. Take yourself back and be kind.

DISCLAIMER:

The contents of this website; blog, video, articles, media, book, references, are ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.

Please seek consultation by appropriate healthcare provider.

Call 911 if emergency.
Call or text 988 which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,
Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed.

Looking, reading, listening to any information on my website, book, and communication with me by email or any other communication with me, you acknowledge and agree that we do not have a professional/client relationship. Use of this site and information associated with this site is solely at the visitor’s own risk.

Previous
Previous

Healing your Inner Child after Childhood Trauma

Next
Next

How to Break the Cycle of Abuse