by Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW

Healing your Inner Child is not easy work. It can be painful. It can take time. You may revisit memories and feelings that you have repressed. But it is also healing and can improve every aspect of your life immensely. I want to stress that trauma does not have to be a single event but a way of life as a child. One’s childhood may appear perfect on the outside, but behind the curtain, that child may be living in a dysfunctional family full of trauma. That dysfunction can be traumatic. Trauma does not discriminate, and no one is immune.

Children should be unconditionally loved and always feel safe, protected, and validated. Anything less may be traumatic.

From the outside, my family appeared “healthy,” but inside we were full of dysfunction and trauma. That trauma has affected my self-esteem and how I responded to triggers in my romantic relationships. Once I became aware, I began my healing journey.

I couldn’t be happier.

What is trauma?

*According to the American Psychological Association, “trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer-term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships, and even physical symptoms like headaches and nausea.”

*According to the Oxford dictionary, trauma is “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.

*According to Unyte Health, 2022, “Trauma is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and ability to feel a full range of emotions and experiences.

*I would like to add that trauma doesn’t have to be a single event or an event per se. It could be more subtle than that. As children, we depend on our primary caregivers to keep us emotionally and physically safe. Emotional, social, and physical neglect by caregivers is trauma. Not feeling safe is trauma. Not feeling supported and protected is trauma.

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*According to Debra Houry, MD, MPH from the CDC, “more than 60 percent of American adults have as children experienced at least one ACE (adverse childhood experiences.”)

*It is ideal when a child feels unconditionally loved and safe. Not only physically safe such as protecting them from physical harm and taking care of their basic needs such as food, clothing, and shelter but emotionally safe as well. A child should feel that they are supported being themselves. That they can express their feelings, their beliefs, and their thoughts in a safe, nonjudgmental atmosphere, and that they feel heard, validated, and nurtured.

*If these needs are not met, a child may be left wounded. These childhood wounds can be carried throughout a person’s life and can be triggered. Sometimes the person is unaware of this dynamic and may have even repressed their childhood trauma but may find themselves being triggered in their adult relationships.

*Not everyone is traumatized by the same experiences or experience trauma the same way.

*Behavior by caregivers that can cause trauma

1. emotional withdrawal or abandonment

2. physical withdrawal or abandonment

3. conditional love

4. enmeshment

5. invalidating, minimizing

6. belittling

7. lying, broken promises, and betraying

8. manipulating

9. emotional abuse; bullying, teasing, laughing at them

10. physical abuse

11. sexual abuse

12. blaming

13. guilting

14. caregivers have not met the emotional needs of the children, such as love and emotional and physical safety

15. gaslighting

16. refusing to support and protect when asked

*What a person may feel from trauma.

1. fearful

2. unsafe

3. helpless

4. hopeless

5. shameful

6. powerless

7. humiliated

8. trapped

9. abandoned

10. alone

11. rejected

12. invalidated

13. exposed

14. unworthy

15. invisible

16. suicidal

*Trauma can cause...

1. 1. PTSD

2. Complex PTSD

3. depression

4. anxiety disorders

5. difficulty in relationships

6. sleep disorders

7. eating disorders

8. attachment issues

9. abandonment issues

10. co-dependency

11. unregulated emotions

12. phobia

13. grief

14. low self-esteem

*Trauma affects the body. According to Teagan Kuruma, Center for Health Care Strategies, “Experiencing trauma can cause the body to produce adrenaline and cortisol, activating normal protective processes of flight, flight, or freeze. Unsolved traumatic experiences can stimulate these responses even in non-threatening situations. Experiencing trauma, especially in childhood, can actually change a person’s brain structure, contributing to long-term physical and behavioral problems.”

*People can develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the pain of trauma, such as...

1. 1.eating disorders

2. drugs and alcohol abuse

3. risky sexual behavior

4. gambling

5. smoking

6. other risky behavior

*People can develop health issues if trauma remains untreated. Teagan Kuruma mentions that the Philadelphia Urban ACEs study in 2013, that there are “correlations between childhood trauma and lifelong health problems.”

Health conditions that are linked to trauma are...

1. headaches

2. gastrointestinal issues

3. back and neck issues

4. infections that may be chronic

5. chronic lung and heart disease

6. liver disease

7. autoimmune diseases

8. sexually transmitted infections

9. allergies

10. certain cancers

11. viral hepatitis

12. rashes

To feel safe in relationships, a child or adult may...

1. become enmeshed

2. be controlling

3. withdraw

4. put walls up

5. be overly trusting

6. distrust

7. deny feelings to self and others

8. be a people pleaser

9. be passive aggressive

10. be a perfectionist

11. be overly critical

12. be overly agreeable

13. blindly conform and obey

14. acts like an abusive or neglectful parent

15. create a false persona in fear of rejection

16. repeat dysfunctional patterns again and again

17. minimize feelings

18. constantly seeking approval, validation, desire, and love

19. Wounded, you are left running from pain and seeking safety, often with little awareness that you are doing this and often in unhealthy ways.

You need first to heal your inner child. What is your inner child?

The inner child is the part of us that remembers what happened in our childhood, even as an infant. Our inner child remembers our childhood trauma. They remember events, and emotions, even if we, as adults, do not remember them. Much of what we experience may be left unconscious, but that does not mean it does not affect our daily lives, as noted above.

Acknowledging, validating, nurturing, and providing empathy to your inner child can help provide a safe and loving environment for him/her/they to begin to heal and to help stop repeating unhealthy patterns.

What does it take to heal our inner child?

According to Lisa A Romano, Breakthrough Life Coach, in her YouTube video, “7 TIPS ON HOW TO HEAL YOUR INNER CHILD, we must recognize that the inner child has wounds. We must accept that what we believe and felt in our childhood happened, despite others who may deny this. We begin by acknowledging and accepting our truth at this moment. It is essential to be compassionate and nurture our inner child and honor what we feel and be able to set boundaries allow you to feel safe. You learn to nurture yourself and do not need others to make you feel safe.

Lisa A Romano’s tips.
1. Start meditating to help slow down thoughts and catch unhealthy thinking.

2. Journal about the types of thoughts you hear yourself saying and repeating. It allows you to see the way you speak to yourself, which may be how others spoke to you when you were a child. It makes you accountable and helps you understand your feelings associated with your words and thinking.

3. Witness your inner child and ask yourself how you feel. Be the observer of what you are observing. Journaling helps this. This will help you develop compassion toward your inner child.

4. Acknowledge your inner child and how she feels.

5. Validate your inner child. “I see you.” “I hear you.” “I love you.” and “You are enough.

6. Empathy for your inner child and for what she went through.

7. Get a photo of yourself and keep it out so you can look at it often. It helps remind you that there is an inner child within you that was wounded, that it is not your fault that you were wounded, and you are on the path to healing your inner child.

Lisa A Romano, Breakthrough Life Coach, and author has written many books, and offers a 12- week program on co-dependency recovery, a masterclass on breakthrough faulty, limiting beliefs created in childhood, meditations, and other support, including individual life coaching. Her website is lisaaromano.com. I think she is incredible.

The journey may be painful at first and should be done with a psychotherapist, life coach, faith- based coach, or other who understand inner child work. Support groups and programs can help as well.

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Please seek consultation by appropriate healthcare provider.

Call 911 if emergency.
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Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed.

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