Bullying: My Story, Ways to Help and Statistics
I am not sure why my friends turned on me. I only can surmise that it was because I chose to stay friends with girls outside “our” group, but I will never know for sure. When I started my new school in seventh grade, I was one of a few people who joined our class of one hundred students that did not attend the same grammar school. I was lucky; I was welcomed into the “popular” group, kept my old friends, and made new ones. But by the beginning of eighth grade, I was told by the leader of this group that I was not allowed to be friends with anyone outside of the group. I refused and stayed friends with all my friends. It didn’t take long before my “friends” from the popular group became my enemies.
I lived in constant fear, a heightened state of awareness. I worried all the time. I never felt safe at school. I prayed for the weekends so not to have to face them. Each morning I would try to get to homeroom just as the bell rang. My homeroom was on the second floor at the end of a long hallway. My heart would race as I climbed the stairs, terrified of what I was to find. Walking down the hall, I would look down at the floor, praying for the perfect timing. If I arrived before the bell, the girls from the group would be in the hallway waiting for the door to open, and they would copy my movements and call me mean names. In class, they would continue to make fun of me, sometimes staring at me while whispering. My homeroom teacher never did anything to help. The bullying would continue in other classes, during lunch, and after school. I would find cruel things written about me in permanent marker on desks in several classrooms, once finding a cartoon drawing of my face, and next to it words making fun of my nose and “Jessica is a slut” written on bathroom walls and desks more than once. Rumors were spread verbally and written on walls that I had slept with a boy from my grade. All lies. They would call my house when I answered, say cruel things, and follow me on my walk home, yelling painful comments, once hitting me. I told no one except one friend, L, and her mom. L’s friendship and her parent’s home provided a safe place for me. We didn’t talk about what was happening much but knowing someone knew gave me a sense of peace, at least when I wasn’t being bullied. When I was… I was often in tears. I never had much of a poker face.
When my parents realized that something was wrong, it was more than six months after the bullying started. When they received my report card and realized my grades had fallen, they came to speak to me. I had also lost weight, couldn’t sleep well and was often tearful. They took me to see the headmaster the next day. I remember bursting into tears when I began telling him what had transpired over the previous months. I had been so terrified that if I told someone at school, the girls would hurt me even more, and unsure if anyone would even believe me. So, I told no one at school until we came to the headmaster. I was relieved that I no longer had to keep this secret and hopeful that the bullying would finally stop, magically thinking the headmaster would protect me. I couldn’t wait to go back and be a teenager again. For the past six months, I had been so embarrassed, humiliated, and terrified that everyone at school believed what they said. I was hopeful that now everyone would understand they lied, and I could put this behind me.
I am unsure if the headmaster spoke to these girls as the bullying continued, but eventually, over the remaining months of the school year, it slowly declined. By high school, they left me alone. I still tried to avoid them, always fearful they would say something again, but it was difficult in a small school. It just happened that most of that group of girls left the school for various reasons, and their absence made it easier for me.
I was lucky, though; I had wonderful friends and was able to thrive. In highschool I volunteered to counsel students who were being bullied and I led peer groups. I decided in high school that I wanted to be a clinical social worker and credit my experience as a victim of bullying as one of the main reasons why.
Maybe it is because I never attended therapy after I was bullied, or this trauma does not quickly go away. Still, I would never have predicted that I would be affected by what happened in my adulthood. But many years later, when I saw one of the girls from afar in my late 20s, I was immediately overcome with nausea, my body trembling and dizzy. I felt the same when I was just 50, and a friend casually told me their husband dated one of the girls in college. But there is also healing. At a high school reunion, the boy (man) that the bullies accused me of sleeping with approached me and apologized for not telling the truth in school; we had not had any sexual contact. I felt validated and had a sense of peace. It was always important to me that people knew the truth about me and were extremely upset at all the lies that circulated in school.
I share my story to not only help people understand what it feels like to be bullied but also to know that the pain can continue for many years after the bullying occurred and can affect other relationships as well. For example, a person may allow others to treat them in a similar matter because it feels familiar or runs from anyone who acts in a way that resembles such treatment even if they are only playfully teasing them. Bullying is abuse and traumatic and creates wounds that can be triggered after. My experience happened before the internet. I can only imagine that a person’s anonymity can allow them the freedom to be even crueler, inflicting even more pain.
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The CDC defines bullying (2014) as “unwanted aggressive behavior(s) by another youth or group of youths, who are not siblings or current dating partners that involves an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated multiple times or is highly likely to be repeated.” Types of bullying include, physical (hitting, kicking etc.) verbal (name calling and teasing, etc.,) relationship/social (spreading rumors and leaving out of the group), damage to property of the victim, and technology (cyberbullying.)
I also must preface that all stats that I am quoting below are reported stats and does not include all the victims who did not report. I am assuming the numbers are higher.
*According to the CDC, 1 in 5 high school students reported being bullied on school property, and 1 in 6 high school students reported being a victim of cyberbullying in the last year.
*According to the CDC, in the past year, nearly 40% of high school students who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual and about 33% of those unsure of their sexual identity experience bullying at school compared to 22% of heterosexual students. About 30% of females and 19% of males experienced bullying at school or cyber bullying. Nearly 29% of white students, 19% of Hispanic students, and 18% of black students in high school experienced bullying in school or cyberbullying.
*According to the CDC, 28% of students in the middle school, 16% of students in high school, and 9% of students in primary school, report bullying in school
*According to the CDC, 33% of middle school students, 30% of high school students and 5% of primary schools, report cyberbullying.
*According to federal statistics (Indicators of school crime and safety:2019(National Center for Education Statistics and Bureau of Justice) and (the 2017 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) These statistics are for students 12-18.
**About 20% of students 12-18 nationwide are bullied, and they felt that the students that bullied them… Had the ability to influence other students (56%) Had more social influence (50%) Were physically stronger (40%) Had more money (31%)
**The following are where bullying occurred in school. hallway or stairwell (43.4%), classroom (42.1%), cafeteria (26.8%), outside on school grounds (21.9%), online or text (15.3%), bathroom or locker (12.1%), and somewhere else on school grounds (2.1%)
**46% told an adult.
**Types of bullying: Subject of rumors or lies (13.4%), being made fun of, called names, or insulted (13.0%) pushed, shoved, tripped, or spit on (5.3%), leaving out/exclusion (5.2%), threatening with harm (3.9%) others making them do things they do not want to do (1.9%), and property destroyed on purpose (1.4%)
*Children will not always let adults know and try to cope alone. Here are some warning signs for parents and teachers to look out for. Sudden change of behavior, anxiety, signs of depression, moody, easily angered or upset. Not eating, losing weight, not sleeping, not enjoying, or doing things they used to do. Not going to school events, quitting teams, not engaging in normal activities, not going to parties, not seeing friends, not taking the bus to school, and being more isolated.
*Sometimes, the children will feel if they acted differently, or looked differently, it would never have happened, and they caused this to happen. Sometimes they are scared to tell anyone, so the bully doesn’t hurt them. Sometimes children worry no one will believe them, and sometimes, they are afraid their parents will tell them to fight back, and they are scared to.
*Parents must find different ways to talk about bullying with their children, especially if they are reluctant. A parent and a child can watch movies about bullying like “Mean Girls” for example and speak after, hoping this will help their child share their feelings. They could listen together or apart the audio book that I highly recommend called “The Survival Guide to Bullying” by Aija Mayrock. Please encourage your children to open up by making a safe, nonjudgmental place for them. Let them know it is not their fault. Listen calmly, offer unconditional love, comfort, and support. If they don’t want to tell you then suggest a meeting with a teacher, school counselor, psychotherapist, school nurse, a sibling, a grandparent, or family friend. If the adult was bullied, you can share some of your story. Schools are now better equipped than they were when I was a in school. See what resources they have available.
It is important for children to know and be told that they did nothing to cause them to be a victim of a bully. IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT! NEVER!
*STOP BULLYING NOW HOTLINE (USA) 1-800-273-8255 (Helpline set up by U.S department of Health and Human Services. 24/7
*NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE (USA) 1-800-273-8255 (24/7)
*THE TREVOR PROJECT (USA) 1-866-488-7386 (24/7) (Suicide prevention within the LGBTQ+ community)
*SUICIDE NATIONAL HOPELINE(USA) 1-800-784-2433
*“The Survival Guide to Bullying” by Aija Mayrock It is a audio book read by the author, who was 16 when she wrote this and a victim of bullying. Excellent book for children, teens, parents, teachers, and all adults to read. Aija Mayrock is an exceptional writer and poet who expressed her feelings well and made excellent coping suggestions. She also wrote a new book called “Dear Girl” where she tells a story about journey from girlhood to womanhood through poetry.
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