Adult Bullies And Their Victims: It Is Never The Victim’s Fault!

The American Psychological Association defines bullying as “a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort. Bullying can take the form of physical contact, words, or more subtle actions.” The bully’s intention is to gain power and control. They do so by with hurtful and destructive behavior. “A bully gains power in a relationship by reducing another’s and shows little regard for the consequences to a victim’s health or wellbeing.” Says Charles Sophy, DO, a psychiatrist and medical director for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services. He explained that adult bullies are usually more understated and complex than children who are bullies. They may use gaslighting and controlling behavior in small spurts over an extended period, causing the victim to doubt their reality and abilities. A bully may spread malicious rumors and lies, tease, belittle, humiliate, make practical jokes, name calling, yell, exclude and isolate, unwanted physical contact, destruction personal property, and cyberbullying.

A recent online survey of more than 2000 adults were conducted in October 2021 by Harris Poll on behalf of the American Osteopathic Association. They found that 31 percent of adults was bullied by “being subjected to repeated, negative behavior intended to harm or intimidate.” Their physical and mental health suffered. See below. Their poll also concluded:

*71% suffer from stress
*70% experience anxiety and/or depression
*55% report loss of confidence
*39% suffer from sleep loss
*26% have headaches
*22% have muscle tension and /or pain
*10% reported a mental breakdown
*17% reported their ability to function day to day was affected (an example is calling in sick for work, other health issues, nausea, elevated blood pressure, cardiovascular issues, and gastrointestinal issues.
*21% of victims reported having someone spread lies about them and no one stands up for the truth and allows the lies to continue. This may cause additional injury. The support from a bystander or a friend or a therapist could truly make a difference for the victim.
*25% experienced repeated silent treatments from an individual bully or groups of bullies.

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Bullying at the Workplace:

*According to Workplace Bullying Institute (2017)

*70 percent of workplace bullies are male, 30 percent female.
*Both male and female bullies target women.
*61 percent of the bullying comes from bosses and supervisors, 33 percent from co-workers, and 6 percent from employees that bully their bosses and supervisors.
*A boss may use their power to intimidate you. He may say things causing you to be often concerned you will be fired, even if you are performing appropriately. He may monitor you constantly, use practical jokes, purposely mislead you about work duties such as incorrect deadlines, deny time off without reasons, be excessively harsh and unjust without reason, and public criticism to name a few. Sometimes a workplace accepts such behavior such as forced overtime, public humiliation, and unrealistic goals to name a few making it part of their culture. This is called institutional bullying. The bully does not have to be your boss.
*Employees you work with could bully you by publicly mocking you, spreading hurtful gossip, or walking away when you come into a room. They could take credit for your work, sabotage your work, or blame you for something they know you did not do. Or lower-level employees who refuse to complete tasks, spread rumors, sabotage management in some way, and be disrespectful to their boss.
*I can only imagine how difficult it must be when a person is bullied at work. They often cannot leave their job and may not feel they have recourse without retaliation. HR may have policies that can help but if they can’t be transferred or leave their job, a person may not see HR as an option, fearful of consequences by the bully.
*The victim may come to work often feeling anxious; worrying, and dreading work, physically sick, stomach issues, headaches, exhausted from stress and not sleeping, low self-esteem, doubting self especially if the bully uses gaslighting and a person may become suicidal.
*If a bystander wanted to help, they could move close to the victim who is being bullied. The hope is that this will stop the bully from further communicating. They could try to shift the focus of conversation and redirect by changing the subject to help. They could let the victim know that they see what is happening and provide support and validation.
*Currently, federal and state laws only protect workers against physical harm and psychological bullying against only certain protected groups such as people with disabilities. Bullying behavior must be repeated over time. A single episode is considered harassment.

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Bullying in Families

It could be your mother or father, your sister or brother, your grandparents, cousins, your spouse or significant other and it could be your children. This person may control and abuse the entire household or just one member of the family. The bully could use overt tactics, such as degrading you in front of the entire family at the holiday dinners, or covert tactics by emotionally abusing you in private only and appearing adoring in public. The bully can be sarcastic, they may make fun of you, and lie to other family members about you. Sometimes family members may enable the bully’s behavior but may do so out of fear of being manipulated and likely both. You may fear physical danger if you cross them. Their behavior may become worse when they drink or use drugs. Sometimes they are out of control and the entire family understands their behavior and sometimes they only covertly pick on one family member, and no one is aware what they are doing it except the victim. The term bully is not always used but in truth in domestic violence or elder abuse, the abuser is a bully. He, she, they are more powerful, more in control, and may be emotionally abusive, and or physically abusive, they may control the victim’s finances, force unwanted sexual activity, isolate victims from friends and other family, and break property.

Adult bullies are often narcissists. They are often deceptive, superficial, lack empathy, emotionally immature, untrustworthy, attention-seeking, controlling, arrogant, selfish, defensive, unpredictable, vindictive, easily angered, and manipulative. It is important to set boundaries, if possible. Know your limits. Maybe you can tolerate when your father makes fun of your job and education but not tolerate when he makes fun of your parenting skills and your children. Become more aware of how you feel when you are bullied. Try not to feel guilty enforcing boundaries. You don’t need to tolerate abuse just because it is family, and you are entitled to protect yourself. Other people may not understand why you are setting boundaries especially if they don’t see what the bully does to you. Be prepared that the bully may have difficulty tolerating your boundaries as they like to be in control and may try to manipulate you by making you feel guilty or hoovering. Please do not lose sight of your emotional and physical health. With families, it may be difficult to completely disengage because of ongoing family events or family members who do not understand your need for boundaries. Sometimes bullying is a normal part of your familiar culture and the family may never understand why you need to protect yourself. Try to not engage with a family bully. You cannot control the bully, but you can control how you respond to him. Try to not become emotional. Instead, remain calm and in control. Walk away from a bully when they are being abusive. You don’t have to deal with this on your own. Find a friend or another family member who will support you and be validating and not try to interfere. It is important that the person you speak to listen and be supportive and non-judgmental. You could also see a counselor and/or join a group. Writing in a journal may help. Take care of yourself. Take a walk, get a massage, meditate, dance, etc. Whatever brings you peace and relieves stress.

An abusive spouse or significant other can also be a bully. They can be emotionally abusive, physically abusive, sexually abusive, and financially abusive. They may call you names, put you down, push or hit you, isolate you, threaten you, lie to others about you, humiliate you in public, and control the money.

I will speak briefly about how my brother bullied our family in this blog and I will write more about this in future blogs and my book Traitor Within. My brother at a very young age was able to manipulate people. He was extremely smart and referred to himself as a “master manipulator” more than once. I remember watching him manipulate my parent’s relationship, pitting them against each other constantly when he was just a child and taking a tremendous amount of money from them over the years. When he returned from college and moved back in with them, he became more and more controlling and abusive. My parents feared him. Scared of what he would do to himself and to them. There were many times when my parents would come over to dinner and receive a phone call from my brother summoning them home. My mother would leave, sometimes they would both leave. I remember when my son was on the bema reciting his Torah portion at his bar mitzvah, my brother walked over to my mother and father and insisted they leave. My mother left. And when my daughter had her bat mitzvah, my brother told my father he couldn’t go, and my father did not go. There are so many examples. I will also note that their housekeeper was also a victim, and she would come to me and tell me stories but not allow me to tell anyone. She told me that my brother would have huge parties almost every weekend and trash my parents’ house when they were at their weekend home. He would wake her up at three in the morning to clean up before my parents would come. He would tell her that if she didn’t do it, he would report her to the police, and she would be arrested and taken back to her country where she would have to face her abusive husband. This went on for years. He would also tell her “A coconut must have fallen on your head when you were a child because you are so stupid.” There was so much more he did to her and to my parents. I offered to help her, but she was terrified of him, felt loyalty to my parents, and feared what he would do to her. I did not know that I was to join the others as a victim until I was in my forties when I learned of all the lies, he spread about me to my parents and others.

As with any narcissist, although I believe he was also a sociopath, one should never call them out. Once I did, he became pure evil. At the advice of two police officers and a therapist that tried to do an intervention, I was told to never see him again. That he was too dangerous for me and my family. I will share these stories in the future. My father also confessed that my brother had hit him and pushed him several times and the same police officer that gave me that advice asked him if he feared my brother noticing bruises on him. My father said he did not and said he fell on his own. Although my brother was out of control at times, was arrested several times, and assaulted a police officer, my mother always did cover for him, which was a full-time job. I believe many people did not know who he was. I also believe that his addiction to opiates made him much less dangerous because when he was using, which was often, he could not function well. Sadly, my children never understood why I stopped seeing my brother, and the times I had no choice like family events, I was overcome with terror. After my family died, I uncovered years of notes that my brother gave my parents filled with lies about me. He was brainwashing them to hate me. All he said was untrue.

Friendships

Adult bullies can behave like high school bullies. They can tell others your secrets, gossip about you, exclude you from events, spread untrue rumors, isolate you from family and friends by strongly encouraging or insisting you don’t see them, or tell friends and family lies about you so they don’t want to see you. They can make fun of you, call you names, humiliate you in front of your other friends and family, test your loyalty with ultimatums, stalk you, insert themselves in your world only to gain power over you, and be physically abusive. This can happen in person and on social media. And if they are covert narcissists and you are the target it is possible no one else sees this side and if you tell your friend for support, you may be labeled as paranoid, too sensitive, and mean. “Why do you care if so and so suddenly wants to be in your meditation and yoga classes sitting next to you and calling all your friends to go out her. She must love to be around you.” At the same time, she is telling them lies about you pretending to care. You may even find yourself questioning your reality and senses. Selfcare. Boundaries. You are not crazy, and I believe you.

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Set boundaries with anyone that abuses you, if possible. I realize removing yourself from your family, workplace and even friends can be difficult for various reasons, especially if no one else sees what they are doing to you. At least set emotional boundaries and seek counseling and supportive friends to talk to. There are online support groups available. I believe that books on narcissistic abuse and the groups for victims of narcissists will give you the support and understanding you need as I believe narcissists are bullies. Practice self-love and self-care. Trust your instincts. Even if no one else sees or understands what they do to you, they are still doing it. I believe you. You are not crazy.

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*STOP BULLYING NOW HOTLINE (USA) 1-800-273-8255 (Helpline set up by U.S department of

Health and Human Services. 24/7

*NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE (USA) 1-800-273-8255 (24/7)

*THE TREVOR PROJECT (USA) 1-866-488-7386 (24/7) (Suicide prevention within the LGBTQ+community)

*SUICIDE NATIONAL HOPELINE(USA) 1-800-784-2433

*Office of the Ombuds: 1-415-502-9600 (workplace)

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