When a Narcissistic Relationship Ends and Grief Begins
“Walk a mile in his moccasins” a phrase from an 1895 poem by Mary T. Lathrap called “Judge Softly.” It may be difficult for others to understand what the victim of a narcissistic relationship feels during and after their relationship ends.
Meaning well they may say things like…
“Why aren’t you relieved?”
“Why are you relieved? Didn’t you love her?”
“Who cares about unfinished business? He is dead. Let it go!”
“What do you mean you miss him? He tortured you for 10 years.”
“Why are you not over him yet? It’s been six months already! Do you want to go back to him?”
“He was a wonderful husband. Why would you ever leave him? See you’re upset. That means you still love him! You must beg him to take you back!”
“You are finally free! How can you shed one tear for that monster? You should have left him years ago.”
When someone’s relationship with a narcissist ends, it would help them to have a friend who is present, shows compassion, listens without judgement, and lets them know they believe them.
What you may be thinking and feeling when your relationship ends…
“I am so ashamed. How could I have stayed for so long? My life was a lie! After 25 years I realize now that I never knew my husband. It’s all been a lie. My life has been a lie. I’m so stupid. How can I tell anyone?”
“I have no idea what I am supposed to feel since she died. What am I loosing exactly? She never acted like the moms on TV. She never said she loved me or liked me, she never said she was proud of me, and she never spent time with me.”
“I kept thinking… if she just got to know me, she would like me and even love me… one day she will spend time with me and realize this and want to be with me…. But she died, and we will never had that chance. I never had the chance to show her the real me. Wait maybe she did know me, and she just didn’t like me and that’s why she never wanted to be with me or listen to me. My feelings are all over the place. This is all so confusing.”
“Oh, God, why does this hurt so much? Why do I feel so much pain and zero anger for all that she did?”
“I really thought we would have been together forever. Now I realize you never loved me. Was everything fake?”
“Please take me back. I feel like I am going through withdrawal from a drug. The anxiety is killing me. Maybe staying with you, even though you cheated and lied and called me horrible names, is better than feeling like this.”
“I thought I could fix this relationship. I failed. It is so hard to stop trying, but I was the only one trying. I must let it go; I have to.”
“Setting boundaries is so difficult. He keeps telling me he is the only person that will ever love me. What if he is right? How can I ever move on?”
Grieving almost always involves primary and secondary losses. The primary loss is the actual person, or as with most narcissistic relationships, the person you thought they were. The secondary losses are all the losses associated with the primary loss, such as:
How you imagined your future together.
What you thought the past was.
A realization you will not be able to repair the relationship you have with that person.
A realization that he, she, or they will never love you the way you desire, despite years of trying.
You may grieve changes in your family. You may lose family and friends who are loyal to the narcissistic. The narcissist may have manipulated friends, family, children, church members, etc., by lying and playing the victim, causing you to lose friends and people in your community, thus losing needed support.
You may have lost your relational identity such as your role as a wife, husband, child, sibling, and parent.
You may have lost your role as a caregiver or/and a friend. You may be feeling a loss of purpose. Many of the victims were completely absorbed in caring for the narcissist, trying to make him, her or they happy.
You may experience loss of self-confidence, as your whole world may feel shattered and fragmented and possibly a lie.
You may have lost your home, finances, and lifestyle.
You may feel an intense loss of your emotional loving bond. The narcissist may not be capable of authentic loving bond. When you realize this, you may also grieve the belief that they did and the possibility that the relationship you thought you had was not the reality.
You may be left confused, wondering how this could have happened to you and wondering if it was your fault that they acted the way they did. The answer is NO. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED. You trusted them. They manipulated you. Most people do not even know people like this exist. Especially the covert narcissist.
Grieving…
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described the 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance when she spoke of dying patients and grieving after their death. These stages of grief can also be used when discussing grieving when a relationship with the narcissist ends. You do not have to experience all the stages, or in any particular order.
When you are in the midst of your narcissistic relationship, your reality is likely distorted by the narcissist’s manipulations and your own Traitor Within. Even after it ends, this distortion can continue. To begin to heal, you must acknowledge who the Narcissist is and accept that the narcissist will never change no matter how many times they promise you they will, and to let go of your fantasy of what could or should be.
As you begin to realize what is real, it may feel like you are emerging from a dense fog, suddenly searching for clarity. You need time for your “eyes” to adjust. You may try to shield yourself from the pain of the “light” and want to return to the fog and I understand that. I have been there. This process can be extremely painful. You may be flooded with information as your eyes open. Take baby steps. Be kind to yourself. Do not be scared if you take steps back at times, you will go forward again. Rely on good friends. I promise in time this will get easier and less painful.
What can help?
Journaling. Here are some suggestions when journaling. Write down what you are feeling. Write down your thoughts. Write a letter to your ex, your parent, your friend telling them how you feel about them.
Join a group. You are not alone. There are many online support groups.
Therapy; Individual and group therapy with a psychotherapist that understands narcissistic relationships. Support is vital. It is a lot to do on your own.
Speaking to nurturing friends who are present, compassionate, listens without judgement, validates your feelings is very helpful. A safe place for you to speak the truth.
Exercise, pleasant scents, walks, walks in nature, eating well, meditation, massage, bath, reading and watching anything that makes you feel a peace or lets you escape for several hours as a reprieve.
Surrounding yourself by loving, and compassionate people and allow them to help you.
Speak up and protect yourself. Love yourself. Do not accept any abusive behavior from anyone.
Listen to podcasts, read posts, read books and articles about narcissists, and know that you are not alone. There are many similarities, and it will help to feel understood, validated, connected and NOT crazy and see how others are getting better.
Please set boundaries.
Make a list of things you will and will not accept. Be aware that the narcissists may use techniques (like hoovering: trying to suck you back in) to try to get you back. They may use some of the techniques they used to control you while you were in the relationship. They may say things to make you think your love story is unique and no one will ever love you, know you, take care of you, like they do. (Hopefully no one will, but at the time you are probably feeling no one will love you… except them.) They may play the victim to make you feel guilty for hurting them, knowing that you will probably be drawn back in, with the desire to help them feel better. They may promise to go to therapy, promise to take you on a vacation or even ask you to marry them, with little to no intention to follow through. This is called future faking. If you have set boundaries, they may insist on talking to you in person about the relationship or need to pick up something you have that they need so they can see you and you can see them, to reconnect. They may question your loyalty and make you feel you didn’t try hard enough, and they may gaslight you and you may begin to question your reality and your reason for leaving. Even if you do not actually return to this person, without appropriate boundaries, their presence can make it very difficult to grieve, heal and move forward. You do not need to do this on your own. They are like a drug. The more support you have the better. The more you learn about their manipulation, the more insight you will have about your own relationship, the more strength you will have to walk away and heal.
It may be ideal to never see the narcissist again, but I know that may be impossible. Some relationships are harder to set boundaries, such as with parents, or an ex-husband or ex-wife who you have children with or even a boss. But you must protect your physical and your mental wellbeing, especially while you heal and become stronger. You do not have to do this alone. Anyone could have been in your shoes. Anyone can be manipulated by a narcissist. I am a trained psychotherapist with years and years of experience and wonderful friends, and I have been in more than one.
The relationship with a narcissist is complicated and the end of the relationship is complicated as well. If the demise of the relationship is caused by an actual death or a living death, both can be extremely painful and difficult. Many times we are left with unfinished business and grieving that you may never have the closure you longed for.
Sometimes when a narcissist parent dies, the child may become overwhelmed by grief. Despite how they treated them, they may have always hoped that one day their parent will love them unconditionally, express their pride in who they are as an individual and have a strong desire to participate in their life. Then when the parent dies, that child may find themselves feeling lost. The hope is that the child is now forced to release their fantasy of the idealized relationship and look beyond and be empowered to take control of their own life. The child may now see their parent for who they are, and gain insight and feel a sense of relief and acceptance. Therapy may be helpful. Role playing and journaling may be helpful.
This is not an easy journey, but trust me, it will get better and the further away you are from your toxic relationship, and the toxic person, the healthier and happier you will be. I know. I did it.
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The contents of this website; blog, video, articles, media, book, references, are ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.
Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider. Call 911 if an emergency. Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255 to speak to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to speak to someone 24/7 if needed.
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