Understanding the Cheating Narcissist

By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW

Not every narcissist will cheat, and not every cheater is a narcissist, but when a narcissist cheats, they often feel entitled, lack remorse, and will not change. 

It is not the victim’s fault, and they will likely cheat again.

This blog may be painful for a partner of a narcissist to read. Understandingthat their narcissistic partner is unable to love them (or anyone) and that they do not care about their feelings and will act accordingly is hurtful. I am sorry for any pain this blog will cause. Understanding a narcissist’s motivation to cheat allows the victim to make educated decisions and not blame themselves,which can help heal. 

If a narcissist cheats, they do so with little to no remorse, not caring who they may hurt if they are getting their needs met. They feel entitled and do not think about how their behavior will affect another, only how it affects themselves. They do not think about the consequences of their behavior unless their conduct hurts them. For example, if they get caught, they will be concerned about how this will affect their reputation in the community or that their partner will leave them,and they will lose the narcissistic supply they get from them. They will not care how their partner feels, although they may pretend to, for their own needs.

The narcissist’s infidelity is not their partner’s fault, despite what the narcissist may say. They will probably cheat on all their long partners, as they get bored quickly and need constant excitement and validation. It is often impossible for another human being to fill their void.

The narcissist is constantly seeking narcissistic supply (praise, sex, power, control, attention, validation, and adoration, are some examples) and will get it by all means possible, even at the expense of others.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist who cheats on you, there is a good chance they will cheat on you again. A narcissist rarely changes. They will continue to lack empathy, feel entitled, need constant narcissistic supply including validation, excitement, power, and control, get boredeasily, have poor impulse control, not care about the feelings of others nor consequences, have delusions of grandeur, and believe they will get away with it.

Going to couples therapy rarely works with a narcissist. They will not change and may use couples therapy to hurt their partner, causing additional pain, especially if the therapist does not understand a narcissist and how they can manipulate the session, which would cause further injury to the victim. 

When confronting a narcissist, not only will you have to deal with the knowledge that they cheated but confronting them may bring additional pain because of their reaction. They may lie, deny, gaslight you, rationalize or admit they cheated but blame you for it. They will not care about your feelings and say or do almost anything to cover up looking bad.

Narcissists frequently live in the moment, only thinking about getting their immediate needs met with no regard for how it would affect others. Even when they are not cheating, the narcissist are manipulators, liars, and defensive, who often minimize others’ feelings, lack empathy, lack compassion, and lose interest quickly, constantly needing additional supply.

What does a narcissist get from cheating?

1. They may feel bored and crave the excitement of a new relationship.

2. They may feel powerful by the conquest or that they outsmarted everyone by getting away with cheating. 

3. They may not feel they are getting the constant praise and constant validation at home that they need and seek it elsewhere 

4. They may like the novelty of a new relationship.

5. They are still getting narcissistic supply from their partner, so they do not yet want to discard that person, but they want the new relationship to have all their needs met. 

6. They may feel powerful and in control of the sexual aspect of the new relationship.

7. They may have more control of the entire new relationship.

8. They may use it to regulate their emotions, control another, and gain power and pleasure.

9. They think they are above the rules and getting away with it makes them feel powerful and in control.

10. Although they may appear confident and secure, they are usually insecure and need constant validation of their self-worth from others. They will do anything to get this reassurance that they are superior to others. 

Signs a narcissist may be cheating on you

1. The narcissist is flirting with someone on social media.

2. A sudden change of behavior, suddenly putting their phone upside down, coming home late, not taking your calls at work, increase or decrease in libido, etc.

3. They accuse you of having an affair, and you are not having an affair.

4. They cancel plans last minute and increase time away from you.

5. How they react to you if you confront them about their change in behavior. They may turn it on you, calling you paranoid, crazy, and jealous, or they will try to change the conversation, accuse you of something, and start a fight, even using it as an excuse to leave. They will try to gaslight you, deny what you accuse them of, lie, deny, gaslight you, be defensive, become rageful, and blame you, and if they admit they cheated, they may blame someone or something other than themselves and may even make you feel sorry for them. They may blame shift and blame you, usually lying, telling you they did it because you hurt them because you don’t give enough because you no longer care about how you look, you are too busy, and they are the injured one. Then they may become the injured one because you are angry with them for cheating or accusing them of something they did not do. All painful and frustrating 

6. Money disappearing from the account

7. You find yourself often feeling confused (cognitive dissonance.)

What do you do if you are sure your narcissistic romantic partner is cheating on you? 

1. Process what you are feeling. Call a friend or speak to a mental health professional who understands a narcissist and narcissist infidelity. You can be revictimized if you seek help from someone who does not understand a narcissist, especially if you attend therapy with your partner. Your partner will try to manipulate the session. 

2. You should make a plan and try to be emotionally prepared that if you confront them they may lie, deny, use gaslighting, blame, be rageful, turn it on you, or admit they cheated but blame you.

3. Get support and make a decision that is healthy for you now that you understand a narcissist. Therapy should be with a therapist who has worked with victims of narcissistic relationships before and friends who also understand narcissists to get the support needed.

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Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider. 

Call 911 if there is an emergency. 

Call or text 988, which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,

Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. 

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