Intergenerational Coping

 How to stop passing down trauma and dysfunctional coping patterns

By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW

I believe who we are is a total accumulation of all the experiences we have ever had, beginningin the womb. We are not born a “blank slate,” as John Locke, Aristotle, Thomas Aquinas, and Sigmund Freud suggested. Instead, to define our true selves, we must summate these influences; genetics, our DNA, our core, the soul as well as all encounters thereafter. Whatever you believe,is your truth and becomes how you interact with the world.

For the purpose of this blog, I will concentrate on the influences of family and how we can pass on trauma and coping patterns, which can affect generation after generation until addressed and healed. Important components of this construct include how a mother feels while she is pregnant, how a caregiver reacts to their child, and how family stories are often adopted by familymembers who never experienced them directly, as their own. Our accumulative truth, the way we understand the world and interact, can be passed to us by our ancestors and passed down through generations by storytelling, direct observation, and treatment over time. 

Intergenerational Trauma: “a phenomenon in which the descendants of a person who has experienced a terrifying event show adverse emotional and behavioral reactions to the event that are similar to those of the person himself or herself. These reactions vary by generation but often include shame, increased anxiety and guilt, a heightened sense of vulnerability and helplessness, low self-esteem, depression, suicidality, substance abuse, dissociation, hypervigilance intrusive thoughts, difficulty with relationships and attachment to others, difficulty in regulating aggression, and extreme reactivity to stress. The exact mechanisms of the phenomenon remain unknown but are believed to involve effects on relationship skills, personal behavior, and attitudes and beliefs that affect subsequent generations. The role of parental communication about the event and the nature of family functioning appears to be particularly important in trauma transmission.” (APA Dictionary of Psychology. 2023 American Psychology Association)(Intergenerational trauma has also been referred to as transgenerational trauma and multigenerational trauma.)

Although much of the literature discussing intergenerational trauma examines trauma from war, slavery, racism, and the holocaust, any trauma can affect family members and be passed through generations. There is literature available that describes “genetic vulnerabilities” stating that trauma can leave a chemical change in a person’s gene that can be passed on through generations.  

The stories we hear from previous generations become part of our story and influence who we are even if we did not directly experience them. Children understand the world primarily through their caregivers and others around them, through modeling, teaching, stories told, how they are treated, and shared experiences. As the child grows, they continue to be affected by how their family members cope and may cope in similar ways. 

In my family, I was told stories of mass killings of family members during WW I and WW II. I was told of the unexcepted traumatic death of my mother’s father when my mother was nine. I was told that my mother only existed because her mother gave birth to a stillborn baby boy, so they conceived again. I watched the direct effects as my mother dealt with much infidelity and addiction in her relationship with my father. We shared that trauma and pain, but I also took on her pain, her anxiety, and her way to cope as my own. I watched my mother deal with her trauma by denial, rationalization, repression, and wishful thinking and experiencing much anxiety. I, like her, feared abandonment, was often anxious and inherited her dysfunctional coping strategies in many of my previous romantic relationships. When I finally understood my family trauma and how my mother’s response to the trauma relates to my triggers, my feelings, and my dysfunctional coping skills, I was able to accept, acknowledge, and gain insight and do the work needed to make positive change in my life. I want to be healthier for me and those around me,but also for my children to prevent them from inheriting my dysfunction and repair what I already passed on to them by being a better example for them.

How to stop passing down trauma and dysfunctional coping patterns?

1. Awareness of one’s childhood trauma and dysfunctional coping patterns. Recognizeyour own dysfunctional coping behaviors and patterns. Become aware of your childhood trauma and your triggers and your responses to triggers. Identify what was inherited from your parents and other family by the way the interacted with you, your observation of their behavioral patterns and genetics and family stories.

Children need to grow up in a safe and loving environment to feel safe in the world.

2. Acknowledge the traumatic events and family dysfunction to yourself and others. This can be done by journaling, counseling, and telling others. Acknowledge not only that you experienced the trauma but how it impacted you and how you may have impacted or may impact others, like your children. Acknowledge your own feelings and how your dysfunctional patterns and trauma may be hurting others. Know you do have the power to make changes that will not only improve your life but the life of your family. 

3. See a mental health professional. Working through trauma can be painful and difficult and one can benefit with the guidance and support of a professional. Discuss ways to change unhealthy coping mechanisms and reframing narratives. Ideally a professional that understands trauma. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and family systems therapy are some of the therapies I recommend. 

A mental health professional will provide and safe place to explore one’s feelings and explore family trauma and bring in family members for family therapy. 

4. Speak to family in a family therapy session or a safe place, where you can ask questionsabout their lives and how they coped. Pay attention to similar narratives and coping patterns. Speak to your children about what you have observed, trauma and how you and your parents coped.

Understand that our ancestors are human and may have struggled and didn’t have the tools to do better. Empathy and compassion toward them, if possible, can help you as well as family. I do not recommend this if there was abuse and any discussion with a person who was abusive should be done with a therapist. 

5. Speak to compassionate, nurturing, empathetic and non-judgmental friends. Be kind to yourself. Self-love and self-care are very important. Know you are not alone. This process may be painful rely on others to be there for you. You may feel shame. I understand. Be compassionate and forgiving to yourself. What happened in your childhood is not your fault. You can become healthier and what a gift for future generations. 

**Please see my blog “Healing your Inner Child after Childhood Trauma”9/13/22 and my blog “How to Break the Cycle of Abuse” 9/2/22 on my website jessicaannepressler.com for additional help in gaining insight and healing.

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