How the Narcissist Uses Others to Hurt their Victims
By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW
FLYING MONKEYS: You have finally escaped your ex and you’re beginning to emerge from the fog and see a bright future for yourself and your children, and suddenly you realize that your “friend” who you thought understood the abuse, manipulation, and pain that you endured during your marriage and divorce, is blaming you for its demise. What you discover is that they have been hearing untrue stories from your ex., that may have been told for months, even years, and they believe them and now this “friend” is gossiping and telling others what they learned from your ex., as truth. Some of the flying monkeys report these lies to you, as truth, upsetting you, just as your ex wanted them to. If you react, your ex may say something like “look how unhinged she is!”
The narcissist may use them to break through your boundaries. You have been blocking you ex. on your phone and social media for months, maybe years, and finally feeling a sense of peace until the flying monkey exposes you to your ex. leaving you vulnerable and at their mercy.
Although this example is about a romantic partner, it could be anyone. Your ex, your colleague, your mother, your sister-in-law, etc. Any narcissist in your life may have groomed another to be their abuser by proxy, by love bombing them, playing the victim, gaining sympathy, and lying in order to look like the “good” one, the innocent, and the hero. They easily tell lies about you and themselves in order to save their reputation and ruin yours. Flying monkeys, as everyone in the narcissists’ lives, are used to get the narcissist’s needs met, with no regard to how it may harm another, even the flying monkeys when they are no longer useful to them. They control the information that’s out there, turn people against you, get information about you, and make your life miserable without even showing their face and still look like an upstanding citizen. IT IS ABUSE BY PROXY.
TRIANGULATION: You are in a relationship with someone, (I am using the word “he” to make it easier to write but can be replaced with “she” or “they”) who is cheating on you. He feels powerful. He feels like a puppeteer who is in control of the situation and is enjoying watching you and the other person become upset, even jealous of each other. He plays both of you off each other, enjoying your pain, as a badge, after all he must be a prize and it makes him feel wanted and when both of his victims become angry with each other he loves that too beating his chest getting his needs are met. This can also happen with friends, work relationships and within families like a narcissist mother turning her children against each other.
PARENTAL ALIANATION: You asked for a divorce from your spouse who has always been in control. You are setting boundaries, you are living your best life, and your child seems well adjusted and enjoys spending time with you, but after a while, you realize that your child is not wanting to come over as much as they used to, that they’re saying very grown-up negative comments about you, and when you ask to go to therapy with your child, the other parent refuses to allow them or goes the therapy and lies about you, getting the attention, and accolades they need and paints you as a bad parent. You don’t understand what happened with your relationship with your child, you try to think about what you’ve done but can’t figure out what caused this change. You try everything you can to reconnect with your child but no matter what you do, you feel like you’re losing them. Your ex and your child ask you not to come to their basketball game and insist your child won’t sleep over anymore. You are devastated and you don't know where to turn. You are completely confused because it makes no sense. Nothing has changed.
My advice is for you and your child to see a therapist who understands parental alienation, and people with narcissistic traits. They should see a lawyer who is well informed about parental alienation and narcissism. In order to protect your children and yourself, therapy, boundaries, and providing your children with a safe, loving, compassionate, nonjudgmental environment with good modeling is vital. Do not talk poorly about your other parent. They need one place which feels safe where they are loved and can be themselves.
********
A person with high Narcissistic traits has an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration and attention, and a lack of empathy for others. They often have fragile egos and are highly sensitive to criticism or perceived slights. As a result, they can be manipulative and use others to satisfy their own needs.
One way that narcissists use people is through a tactic known as "triangulation". This occurs when the narcissist forms a relationship with two or more people, often using one person against the other. The goal of triangulation is to create tension and competition between these individuals in order to boost the narcissist's own ego and sense of control.
Another tactic used by narcissists is called "flying monkey". This term refers to a person who is manipulated by the narcissist to do their bidding and carry out their desires. The flying monkey may not even realize they are being used, as the narcissist can be very skilled at manipulation and making others feel like they are on their side.
But why do narcissists use these tactics? It all goes back to their need for control and admiration. By triangulating others, the narcissist can maintain a sense of power over those around them. They also thrive on drama and chaos, as it feeds into their constant need for attention and validation. The flying monkey serves as a tool for the narcissist to carry out their desires without getting their own hands dirty.
Unfortunately, these tactics can have serious consequences for those involved. Triangulation and flying monkey behavior can lead to toxic relationships, deep-seated resentment and hurt feelings. The person being used as the flying monkey may also suffer from cognitive dissonance, feeling torn between their loyalty to the narcissist and their own moral compass.
So, how can we protect ourselves from falling into the trap of being used by a narcissist? The first step is to educate ourselves on the tactics they use. By understanding how they manipulate and control others, we can be more aware of these behaviors and avoid falling prey to them.
It's also important to set boundaries with narcissists. Recognize that their need for control and admiration will always come first, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into their schemes or used as a pawn in their games.
If you have children or are in a co-parenting relationship with a narcissist, it's crucial to educate yourself on how their behavior may affect your child, such as with parental alienation. Seek guidance from a therapist or support group to learn healthy coping mechanisms and ways to protect your child from the harmful effects of narcissism.
Surround yourself with supportive, caring people who have your best interests at heart. Narcissists often prey on those who are vulnerable or lacking strong support systems. Having a strong network of friends and family can help protect you from being manipulated by a narcissist. If you suspect that someone in your life may be a narcissist, it's important to seek professional help. Dealing with someone with high narcissistic traits can be challenging and emotionally draining. A therapist or counselor who understands a narcissist can provide valuable support and guidance in navigating these relationships and setting healthy boundaries.
In conclusion, narcissists may use others as flying monkeys and engage in triangulation and even use their children by parental alienation to boost their own ego and sense of control. By understanding these tactics and setting boundaries, we can protect ourselves from being used and hurt by these individuals. Be aware of red flags, and surround yourself with supportive, compassionate, loving, non-judgmental and knowledgeable people. With these strategies in place, you can minimize the harm caused by narcissists and maintain your own emotional well-being. It is never your fault if you become a victim of narcissistic abuse. You deserve to be treated with respect and care, and by recognizing the tactics used by narcissists, you can protect yourself from being hurt by their manipulative behavior.
Knowledge is power, and by understanding how narcissists use people to hurt others, we can better protect ourselves and our loved ones from being manipulated and controlled. Let's work towards building healthier relationships and supporting each other in breaking free from the toxic cycle of narcissism. Let's continue to educate ourselves, raise awareness, and support each other in breaking free from the harmful effects of narcissism. Let's create a world where empathy, compassion, and healthy relationships prevail over manipulation, control, and toxicity.
DISCLAIMER:
The contents of this website; blog, video, articles, media, social media, book, and references, are ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, or determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.
Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider.
Call 911 if there is an emergency.
Call or text 988, which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,
Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed.
Looking at, reading, listening to any information on my website, social media, YouTube, or book, and communicating with me by email or any other communication with me, you acknowledge and agree that we do not have a professional/client relationship. Use of this site and information associated with this site is solely at the visitor’s own risk.