Navigating The Holidays With a Narcissist
by Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW
As the holiday season approaches, many of us eagerly look forward to the warmth and joy of spending time with loved ones. However, for those of us who have to deal with a person with narcissistic traits, the holiday season can be anything but enjoyable, and we often approach holiday events with either dread or an unrealistic hope for change. Perhaps you have a narcissistic parent or sibling who always leaves you feeling drained, frustrated or in tears. Maybe you have a demanding boss or partner who makes it impossible to relax and enjoy the festivities. Whatever your situation may be, it’s important to remember that you don’t have to suffer through the holidays alone. Surround yourself with kind and positive people and limit your time with the narcissist. There is nothing wrong with making choices to protect yourself and your loved ones by creating boundaries. Here are some strategies for coping with the challenges of dealing with narcissistic or toxic individuals during the holiday season. While it may not be easy, you can learn to navigate these difficult relationships.
Knowledge, Acceptance and Self Protection
When dealing with a narcissistic individual during the holidays, it is helpful to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. Anticipate that the narcissist may act out, say hurtful things, or otherwise create drama and tension to gain narcissistic supply and hide their “true self.” They do not care who they hurt in the process and may even gain narcissistic supply hurting another, feeling in control and powerful. During the holiday season, narcissists may leave us confused, creating havoc one moment and extremely generous, the next. You may find yourself walking on eggshells unsure who will show up. You may also find that others have no idea who this person is, as they keep their mask on for them. Please try not to show frustration in front of them, as they often will turn this against you. Instead, walk away and find someone who brings you pleasure and peace. Understanding the patterns and behaviors of a narcissist can help you better cope with their actions. Educate yourself on the signs of narcissistic abuse and learn about healthy boundaries and communication. (*see previous blogs on narcissists) It is important to accept that a narcissist will most likely never change. It is possible that their tactics might vary, but their lack of empathy and need for narcissistic supply and to hide their “true self” will drive their actions at the expense of others. Please know that their actions are not a reflection of you, but instead a manifestation of their own insecurities and needs. If you find yourself in a situation with a narcissist at a holiday event and can’t remove yourself, try techniques to help you relax so you do not engage or become affected by the narcissistic behavior. Try putting both feet on the ground and focus on how it feels to have your feet touching the floor, or focus on an object, notice the color, size, and shape, or count to 10 in your head and then count backwards. If you can walk away, excuse yourself and go the bathroom, take a walk outside, find someone you enjoy and speak to them, help in the kitchen, or make an excuse and leave. Do not engage, instead create emotional and physical boundaries to protect yourself. Walk away if needed.
Practice Self-Care
Dealing with a narcissistic individual can be incredibly draining and exhausting, especially during the holidays when you may already be stretched thin. It’s important to prioritize your own needs for self-care, even if that means saying no to certain events or activities. Make time for activities that nourish your body, mind, and soul, such as exercise, meditation, reading, and spending time with supportive, loving, nonjudgmental friends and family. Get plenty of sleep and avoid overindulging in food or alcohol, as these can exacerbate feelings of stress and anxiety. Practice techniques such as breathwork, journaling, doodling, coloring, and grounding exercises to help you feel less anxious, stressed and cope better. You may also find that coping with a narcissist during the holidays can bring up painful memories and emotions from the past. Here are some tips for moving towards healing and letting go of past pain: Mindfulness can help you stay present and focus on the here and now, rather than dwelling on the past. Use mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing or meditation to help you cope with difficult emotion. Holding onto anger and resentment towards a narcissist can prevent you from healing and moving forward. Practice forgiveness and release these negative emotions to find peace within yourself. If you see this person during the holidays, you will be more able to resist their manipulation and more able to set needed boundaries and one day they may not affect you at all. Please know that narcissistic abuse can take a toll on self-esteem and self-worth. Focus on building self-love and confidence by practicing positive affirmations, engaging in activities that make you feel good about yourself, and setting healthy boundaries. It’s natural to want a fulfilling relationship with a narcissist, but it’s important to let go of these expectations in order to find peace within yourself. Focus on your own healing and let go of any expectations for the narcissist to change during the holidays and always. Dealing with a narcissist during the holidays can bring up feelings of hurt and betrayal, especially if they are a family member or close friend. Healing from past pain caused by a narcissist can be difficult, but it’s possible with time and effort and help from professionals or caring family, and friends. Practice mindfulness, release anger and resentment, seek closure if needed, focus on self-love, and let go of expectations. Remember that you deserve to heal and move forward towards a happier, healthier life.
Focus on Positive Interactions
While it may be tempting to engage in arguments or debates with a narcissistic individual, this is rarely productive and can often lead to more frustration and tension. Instead, focus on positive interactions and conversations. Look for common ground or areas of shared interest and emphasize those. Avoid topics that are likely to provoke argument or negativity, such as politics or religion. If you’re having trouble finding common ground, try asking open-ended questions and listening actively to the narcissist’s responses. Show genuine interest in their opinions and experiences, even if you don’t agree with them. Focusing on positive interactions can help shift the tone of your interactions and create a more pleasant holiday experience for everyone. If all else fails, give yourself permission to excuse yourself for a period of time or leave the event in order to protect yourself and other loved ones.
Set Realistic Expectations
It’s important to be realistic in your expectations of the narcissistic individuals in your life. You may not be able to change their behavior or make them more empathetic or compassionate, no matter how hard you try. While it’s important to hold them accountable for their actions, it’s also important to accept that they may not change, and to adjust your expectations accordingly. Recognize that you may need to limit your time and interactions with the narcissist, or that you may need to let go of the idea of a perfect holiday experience. Reframe your expectations and focus on making the best of the situation as it is, rather than how you would like it to be. Dealing with a narcissistic individual during the holiday season can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that you have control over how you respond to them. By preparing yourself mentally and emotionally, practicing self-care, focusing on positive interactions, and setting realistic expectations, you can learn to cope with confidence and compassion.
Remember that you are not alone, and that there are resources and support available to help
you navigate these difficult relationships.
1. National Domestic Violence Hotline
The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides support and resources for individuals dealing
with domestic abuse, including narcissistic abuse. They offer a 24/7 hotline (1-800-799-SAFE)
and a live chat option on their website.
2. Narcissist Abuse Support
Narcissist Abuse Support is an online community where you can connect with others who have
experienced narcissistic abuse. They offer a variety of resources, including support forums,
articles, and podcasts.
You can also join their private Facebook group for additional support and advice from others
who understand what you are going through.
3. International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD)
The ISSTD provides information and resources on trauma, including narcissistic abuse. They
have a directory that can help you find a therapist who specializes in treating complex trauma
and dissociative disorders.
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