by Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW

I have faced the death of my mother, father, brother, aunt, grandmother, friends, fur babies, the many hospice patients I have cared for, and others in my life. I’ve had a miscarriage, been divorced, break ups, left my job and long-term friends and moved 3000 miles away. I have felt the loss of hopes and dreams, the loss of potential, and the loss of identity. I have spent much of my professional life as a psychotherapist helping others cope with their losses and for the past 17 years as a hospice social worker. Needless to say, loss and grief has been present for most of my life.

Grief is a universal human experience that can greatly impact our lives and those around us. Whether it's the loss of a loved one, a job, or a significant life change, grief can manifest in many ways and affect people in different ways, sometimes unexpected, like an emotional rollercoaster - with its ups and downs. 

Grief is a natural response to loss or change, and it can take many forms. Sadness, anger, guilt, relief and confusion are just some of the feelings associated with grief. Some of the symptoms associated grief are headaches, difficulty sleeping, crying, questioning purpose of life, feeling disconnected isolating from friends and family worry, anxiety, frustration, guilt, anger, loss of appetite, loss of sleep, too much, sleep, aches, and pains, fatigue, and just not feeling yourself. It is important to address grief, not only because it can be overwhelming on its own, but also because it can have a profound impact on mental and physical health if left unacknowledged. By allowing ourselves to experience and process grief, we create a space for healing and growth. As we learn to navigate our emotions, we can also learn to better support ourselves and others as we move through difficult times. Though it may seem daunting, addressing grief can ultimately lead to greater resilience, compassion, and understanding. I was once told by someone that attended one of my bereavement groups that grief is like having a heavy backpack filled with rocks on your back. The rocks remain in the backpack, but over time, your body gets stronger and slowly you are more able to handle the weight. I had an image of someone slowly standing up and starting to walk.

Grief can be a confusing and overwhelming experience. Whether you are mourning the death of a loved one, going through a divorce, or experiencing any other kind of loss, understanding the stages of grief can help you make sense of your emotions and move forward in your healing process. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss American psychiatrist, identified five stages of grieving, known as the “Kubler-Ross model.” (Of Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, 1969) She was speaking of the stages the dying person was passing through as they were coming to terms of their own death. They are tools to help us identify what we may be experiencing. These stages were adapted to describe anyone’s stages of grieving. 

Stage One: Denial: Denial is often the first stage of grief, and it is a natural response to shock and disbelief. During this stage, you may find yourself denying the reality of the situation or feeling numb and disconnected from your emotions. You may also experience physical symptoms, such as headaches, fatigue, and difficulty sleeping. To cope with this stage, it is important to allow yourself time to process your emotions, and to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. 

Stage Two: Anger: Anger is a common response to grief, and it can be directed towards yourself, others, or the world at large. During this stage, you may feel frustrated, helpless, or resentful, and may experience intense emotions such as rage or bitterness. To cope with this stage, it is important to express your emotions in a healthy way, such as through journaling, exercise, or speaking with a trusted friend or therapist. 

Stage Three: Bargaining: Bargaining is a stage of grief where you may try to negotiate with a higher power or try to find a way to reverse the loss. During this stage, you may also feel guilty or responsible for the loss and may be tempted to blame yourself or others. To cope with this stage, it is important to acknowledge your feelings of guilt and try to reframe your thoughts in a more positive and constructive way. 

Stage Four: Depression: Depression is a natural part of the healing process, and it is an important stage in learning to accept the reality of the loss. During this stage, you may feel sad, hopeless, or withdrawn from others, and may find it difficult to engage in everyday activities. To cope with this stage, it is important to seek professional help if needed, and to engage in self-care activities such as meditation, exercise, or spending time with loved ones. 

Stage Five: Acceptance: Acceptance is the final stage of grief, and it is a time when you can begin to move forward with your life while still honoring the memory of the person or thing you have lost. During this stage, you may feel a sense of peacefulness or closure, and may be able to focus on positive memories and experiences. To cope with this stage, it is important to allow yourself time to heal, and to focus on self-growth and self-care. 

In addition to these five stages, David Kessler, who worked with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, and co-authored “On Grief and Grieving,” with her, discovered a Stage Six: Meaning. He discusses his sixth stage in his book “Finding Meaning, The Sixth Stage of Grief,” published on September 1, 2020. David Kessler said “meaning is a reflection of the love we have for those we have lost. Meaning is the sixth stage where the healing often resides.” The meaning is personal to you. Examples are finding gratitude in the time you had with the person, finding meaning in the support you are receiving from people, or creating a charity in their name.

Not everyone experiences the stages in this exact order. Some may go back and forth through the stages, and some do not experience all the stages mentioned. The hope is that you reach Acceptance and then Meaning. Although there are many similarities and how people grieve, there are differences as well. It’s a very personal experience, and no one should be judged on how they grieve or feel. 

Grief is a complex and challenging experience, but understanding the stages of grief can help you navigate this difficult journey. By allowing yourself to experience these stages, seeking support from others, and engaging in self-care activities, you can begin to heal and move forward in your life. Whether you are grieving yourself or trying to support someone else, remember that grief is a normal and necessary part of the healing process. Although there are similarities in how we grieve, it can be experienced differently for each of us. The way we cope while we grieve, may depend on many factors, such as our relationship with the person or event that we’re grieving, our support system, our coping mechanisms, previous losses, our emotional state, and physical state when we have this loss and the complexity of the loss.

                           

                               Tips for coping 

Accepting support from friends and family and seeking support with a therapist and support group.

Accepting support from friends and family can make a huge difference in how we cope with grief. It's important to remember that asking for help or accepting help isn't a sign of weakness. It is my experience that support from family and friends who are non-judgmental, compassionate, and empathetic makes a positive difference.

It is also my experience that speaking to a grief counselor, clergy, or attending a bereavement group can provide excellent support; helping someone feel less isolated, not crazy and learn skills to help cope.

Engaging in self-care activities such as exercise or meditation.

Self-care is not a luxury - it's a necessity. One great way to engage in self-care is through exercise. Physical activity not only benefits your physical health, but it also has positive effects on your mental health. Walking is physical exercise. I completely understand while you’re grieving, you may not have the energy or desire to exercise but even if you take a 15- or 20-minute walk, it is self-care. Additionally, meditation is a powerful tool for reducing stress and promoting relaxation. 

Finding healthy ways to express emotions.

Finding healthy ways to express emotions is crucial for maintaining overall well-being. Emotions can be overwhelming at times, and it's important to have effective ways to process and express them. It's okay to feel angry, sad, or frustrated, but it's essential to manage those feelings in a healthy way. As noted, talking to someone you trust, like a friend or therapist is an excellent way. Additionally, engaging in creative outlets like writing or painting can be therapeutic and help you organize and express your thoughts and feelings. Overall, finding healthy ways to express emotions is not only beneficial for mental health but also for physical health.

How to handle triggers and reminders that may bring up feelings of grief

Grief is a deeply personal and complex emotion that can be triggered by any number of things, from a smell or a sound to a photograph or a location. Coping with these triggers and reminders may seem daunting, but it is possible to manage your emotions and find comfort during difficult times. One important thing to remember is that it is normal to feel overwhelmed by grief; there is no "right" way to grieve. Everyone's experience is different, and it's important to be kind and compassionate with yourself as you navigate your emotions. One helpful approach is to acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to process them, whether that means journaling, talking to a trusted friend or family member, or seeking the guidance of a therapist. It can also be helpful to create new rituals or meaningful activities to honor the memory of your loved one. Ultimately, while it may feel overwhelming at times, it is possible to find a sense of peace and healing amidst the pain of grief.

Discussion on the importance of honoring and acknowledging the loss.

Loss can be a difficult experience for anyone to endure. Whether it results from the passing of a loved one, the loss of a job, or any other kind of devastating event, it is important to honor and acknowledge these feelings. By doing so, we give ourselves the space and time necessary to grieve and understand the impact of our loss. When we ignore or suppress our sadness, it can manifest in unhealthy ways, leading to depression, anger, and even physical health problems. Paying tribute to our loss doesn't mean we must wallow in sadness forever, but it can help us move through the healing process and come out the other side, stronger and more resilient. Ultimately, it is through honoring and acknowledging our loss that we can truly learn from and grow beyond it.

Ways to commemorate and remember loved ones who have passed away:

Losing a loved one is never easy, and finding ways to honor their memory can bring comfort and a sense of closure. There are many ways to commemorate and remember those who have passed away, from creating a memorial gift or keepsake to planting a tree or starting a charitable foundation in their name. Some people choose to write letters or poetry that express their feelings of grief and love, while others prefer to create a memory book or scrapbook filled with photos and mementos. Whatever form it takes, the act of remembering and celebrating a loved one's life can help to keep their memory alive and continue the bond that was once shared.

Creating a memory box or scrapbook.

Creating a memory box or scrapbook can be a wonderful way to preserve and honor memories and milestones in life. Whether it's keeping old ticket stubs, photographs, or letters, each item can hold a special meaning and attachment to a certain time in our lives. Collecting and keeping these items together in a personalized box or book can be incredibly therapeutic, as we're able to reflect on the experiences and people that have shaped us. It's also a lovely way to pass on these memories and stories to future generations and ensure that they're not lost or forgotten. Creating a memory box or scrapbook is an act of self-love and appreciation and can serve as a reminder of the beauty and significance of our own unique journeys through life.

Doing something in their name.

Losing a loved one is never easy, but there are ways to honor their memory and keep their spirit alive. One thoughtful way to do so is by planting a tree or dedicating a bench in their honor. Not only does this serve as a beautiful reminder of their life, but it also benefits our environment by providing shade and improving air quality. It's important to choose a location that holds meaning for you and your loved one, and to research which species of tree will thrive best in that area. By taking the time to plant a tree or dedicate a bench, you are creating a lasting tribute to your loved one that will continue to grow and flourish for years to come.

Participating in a charitable event or cause that was important to them.

Participating in a charitable event or cause can be a truly heartwarming experience. For many, it's an opportunity to give back to a community or organization that holds personal significance. Whether it's volunteering at a food bank or running a charity race, the act of giving can be incredibly empowering. Not only do these events support those in need, but they often foster a sense of connectedness and purpose within the participants. It's important to remember that charitable efforts aren't limited to those with large incomes or a lot of spare time. There are many ways to get involved, from donating unwanted clothes to simply spreading awareness about a cause. No matter how big or small the contribution, every effort helps to make the world a better place.

The role of self-compassion in coping with grief. 

When we experience grief, it's common to be incredibly hard on ourselves. We might blame ourselves for things we couldn't control or feel like we should have done more. However, research shows that practicing self-compassion can be a powerful tool in coping with grief. Self-compassion involves treating ourselves kindly, acknowledging that suffering is a part of the human experience, and recognizing that we aren't alone in our pain. It's not about pretending that everything is okay or ignoring our emotions, but rather approaching ourselves with gentleness and acceptance during a difficult time. By practicing self-compassion, we may be better able to navigate the challenging emotions that come with grief and find a path forward.

Dealing with societal expectations and pressures surrounding grief. 

Experiencing grief is a natural part of the human experience, yet we often find ourselves struggling to navigate societal expectations and pressures. We may feel like we need to put on a brave face or suppress our emotions in order to conform to what is considered “acceptable” in society. However, it is important to remember that everyone processes grief differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is okay to feel a wide range of emotions and to take the time you need to heal. Seeking support from loved ones, a therapist, or a support group can also be helpful in dealing with societal pressures and finding a safe space to express your emotions. Remember to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve in a way that feels authentic to you.

Everyone experiences grief differently. 

Grief is a natural occurrence in life that affects us all at some point. It is important to remember that everyone experiences it differently and there is no one right way to cope. Some people may cry while others may become quiet and withdrawn. Some may seek companionship while others may prefer to be alone. It is crucial to be compassionate towards ourselves and others during this time and honor our unique process of grieving. It is okay to take as much time as we need to grieve and to seek out support from loved ones or professionals if necessary. Ultimately, what matters most is that we allow ourselves to heal in our own way and at our own pace.

Grief is a natural and inevitable part of life. It is something that we will all experience at some point, but it is often misunderstood and overlooked in our society. Throughout this blog post, we have explored the various stages of grief and discussed helpful tips for coping with each one. We have also delved into the importance of honoring and acknowledging our losses, as well as ways to commemorate and remember our loved ones who have passed away. Additionally, we have highlighted the significant role that self-compassion plays in navigating through the difficult emotions associated with grief. However, it is crucial to remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve and everyone's journey will be unique. As we continue to face societal expectations and pressures surrounding grief, let us not forget to be gentle with ourselves and seek support when needed.

Ultimately, addressing and processing our grief is vital for our emotional well-being and growth. It allows us to honor the memories of those we have lost while also opening ourselves up to new possibilities for healing and growth. So, whether you find comfort in talking to friends and family, seeking therapy or counseling, engaging in self-care activities, or finding healthy ways to express your emotions – know that there are resources available to help you through this difficult time.

Above all else, let us remember that there is no timeline for grieving, and it is okay to take things at your own pace. As you navigate through the ups and downs of grief, be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone in this journey. Remember that it is okay to still feel sad even after years have passed since your loss; grief has no expiration date. But by embracing the process of grieving, we can ultimately find peace within ourselves while keeping our loved ones' memories alive forevermore as we create our “new normal.

There are 8 blogs on grief available on my website @jessicaannepressler.com. “Coping with Grief”, “What is Hospice Care?”, “Grieving During the Holidays”, “When Narcissistic Relationship Ends and Grief Begins”, “A Hospice Social Worker, a Grieving Daughter”, “Be Aware Grieving Can Make You Vulnerable”, “Coping with the Effects of Estrangement from Adult Children/Grandchildren”, and “Coping After the Loss of a Loved One to Suicide.”

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