Red Flags, Green Flags, 123- Navigating Romantic Relationships
By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW
It is helpful to be aware of both red flags that may warn you to proceed with caution and green flags that indicate a healthy potential relationship. Be mindful of how you feel and here are some common signs to watch for.
Red Flags in Romantic Relationships
Red flags are warning signs that indicate potentially unhealthy behavior or mismatches in compatibility. Spotting these early can save you from future heartache but there are times when the red flags don’t show up right away. If you are dating someone who has high narcissistic traits, you may not see the red flags until you are well invested in the relationship, sometimes months, even years. Here are some examples of red flags to watch out for:
Lack of Communication
They regularly avoid conversations about feelings or the relationship.
Texts or calls go unanswered for long periods without explanation, or the explanation feels off. They make excuses for not seeing you for long periods of time and you are the only one making plans.
They don’t contribute to the conversation or maintain eye contact. Please keep in mind if it’s a first date they may just be nervous.
Their words don’t match their actions, there are inconsistencies and you’re not comfortable asking about them.
They mostly talk about themselves and show little interest in your life. They are evasive about questions you ask them.
Disrespectful Behavior
They are rude to service staff during dates.
They make demeaning jokes or comments, either about you or others.
They tell you the secrets of their friends and family.
They belittle the things you like.
They call you names and put you down.
They gaslight you and you find yourself questioning your own reality, memory, feelings, and ability to reason. They try to make you feel that you are too sensitive.
Overly Controlling
They want to dictate who you see or what you wear.
They invade your privacy, such as reading your texts without permission.
They are often jealous when there is nothing to worry about and you have tried to reassure them.
They are unwilling to compromise or even try to see your point of view but insist you do it their way.
They are physically, emotionally, financially abusive.
Past Relationships
They speak negatively about all their exes, friends, and family and unable to take any responsibility for any difficulties in their relationship and lack empathy toward others.
They are vague or secretive about past relationships.
Inconsistent or Evasive
They are hot and cold with affection and attention.
They avoid making plans for the future or are evasive about their schedule or when they make plans they often do not follow through.
After months of asking them to define the relationship, they continue to refuse to discuss.
They lie and you find it more and more difficult to trust them.
Substance Abuse
They frequently drink excessively or use drugs on dates.
Their behavior changes significantly under the influence.
You feel unsafe when they drink.
Pushing Boundaries
They pressure you to move faster physically or emotionally than you're comfortable with.
They disrespect your boundaries or make you feel guilty for having them.
They try to isolate you from supportive friends and supportive family.
They may be extremely defensive if you say even the slightest criticism and may punish you for doing so.
* NOTE: If you start finding yourself making excuses for their behavior, or denying the importance of something that feels wrong, that is a red flag in and of itself!
Green Flags in Dating
Green flags indicate signs of a healthy individual who might be capable of participating in a healthy relationship.
Consistent Communication
They are aware and can communicate openly about feelings, behaviors, fears, patterns, triggers, and the relationship.
They provide active listening and try to understand their partner’s perspective.
They respond to texts and calls within a reasonable time frame and initiate communication as well.
Respectful Behavior
They are kind and courteous to everyone around them.
They celebrate your successes and help you through challenges.
They show empathy to you and others.
They are engaged in the relationship and show active interest in the relationship and your life and people you love.
Encouragement of Independence
They support your hobbies and friendships outside of the relationship.
They respect your personal space and privacy.
Healthy View of Past Relationships
They speak about their exes with respect, regardless of how things ended.
They are honest about their past and what they've learned from past relationships.
Reliable and Honest
They follow through on plans and promises reliably.
They are upfront about their intentions and expectations for the relationship.
They’re willing to be vulnerable.
They know what they want, and they care about what you want in the relationship, and they have the ability to compromise. They do not play games.
They are kind, compassionate and empathetic in a consistent manner to you and to others.
Moderation in Habits
They engage in alcohol or recreational activities responsibly.
They demonstrate control and awareness of their indulgences.
The relationship moves that a pace that you’re both comfortable in and they are willing to give you the space that you need and not pressure you to do things that you’re not ready to or want to do.
They are consistent and how they treat you and how they approach life and you do NOT feel you are walking on eggshells.
Boundary Respect
They respect your pace in the relationship, whether it's physical or emotional.
They are attentive to your comfort levels and readily accept when something is off-limits.
They give you the space that you need and value, individuality, and independence.
Be mindful of how you feel and it’s a good sign if it feels good to be around them.
Being aware of these flags helps in navigating the dating world more wisely. Always trust your instincts and consider communication, respect, and mutual understanding as key pillars in building a relationship. Remember, no list is exhaustive, and each individual scenario may vary; use these flags as guidelines, not strict rules. With these tools in hand, you can confidently navigate through the tricky world of dating and find a healthy, fulfilling relationship. So, keep your eyes open for red flags and embrace green ones to build a strong and lasting connection with someone special. The journey may have its ups and downs, but trust that it will lead you to where you're meant to be. So, don't let the fear of red flags hold you back from opening yourself up to love and potential happiness. Use them as a way to protect yourself while still being open and optimistic about finding love. With these tips in mind, you can approach dating with confidence and clarity, knowing your worth and what you deserve in a healthy relationship. Remember, it's better to be single and happy than in a toxic relationship. So, take your time, trust your instincts, and keep an eye out for those green flags that lead to a fulfilling and loving partnership.
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