J, a friend, and a father suggested that I write a blog that would help “parents instill the confidence” in their children that would enable them to “stick up for themselves from a young age. Today it’s a teen’s best friend, and tomorrow it’s a toxic spouse.” He wrote this to me after he had witnessed his teenage daughter get yelled at by a male friend. Despite J telling her, “Don’t let anyone yell at you like that!” she made excuses for her friend’s behavior. J adequately responded by telling her that no matter what her friend is going through, the bottom line is he cannot yell at her. I think he did a fantastic job. He taught his daughter that she can still be empathetic but also not allow anyone to treat her in an abusive manner. A message I hope she always will remember. It is easy to make excuses for someone’s behavior when we feel empathy towards them, but that does not excuse someone acting in an abusive manner. 

I fervently believe that how we are treated, what we witness, what we are taught by covert and overt messaging, and our experiences in our childhood and adolescence can significantly influence how we feel and act in our relationships as adults. These factors affect how we treat others and allow others to treat us. Witnessing our parents and other caregivers’ behavior: how they treated each other, how they treated us, our siblings, and others, and how they treated themselves, affects how we feel about ourselves when we were growing up and as adults. We learn from what our parents tolerate and what they verbally teach us. Their messaging becomes part of who we are. Sadly, even when our children are appropriately prepared, they still may fall prey to a master manipulator. Being brought up in a healthy home, treated well by friends, family, and acquaintances, taught properly how someone should treat them, they can still encounter toxic people who use a variety of tactics for abuse and control. Creating a non-judgmental, unconditionally loving environment, where they can come to you when ready, is vital. 

 To fully address this issue is beyond the scope of a single blog. There are so many factors that contribute to allowing someone to be the recipient of abuse. My book Traitor Within reveals in detail how my childhood and family contributed to my repeated toxic relationships. I will touch on different aspects of this as I continue to blog. Today, I will try to answer J’s question more directly. I will address how to help a teen who is already in a toxic relationship and what a parent can do to prevent them from entering one. He was correct to be concerned. 

I will begin by reporting disturbing and astonishing statistics. These are reported statistics, so I assume the actual number must be considerably higher. The CDC (on their website) state that 43 million women and 38 million men had experienced psychological aggression (verbal and non-verbal communication with the intent to harm partner and gain control.) 

CDC states that “About 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men reported having experienced severe physical violence from an intimate partner… About 1 in 5 women and 1 in 12 men have experienced contact sexual violence by an intimate partner…and 10% of women and 2% of men report being stalked by an intimate partner.” (Information on CDC website and this is only what is reported.)

The CDC also reported that 11 million women and 5 million men who reported experiencing sexual violence (when a partner forces their partner to take part in a sexual act without consent, which may include sharing sexual pictures and sexting without consent,) physical violence, or stalking had their first abusive experience before they were 18 years old. 

The CDC found that in the United States, 1 in 4 adolescents reported experiencing physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal dating violence each year. 1 in 5 high school girls, who were in romantic relationships, experienced physical and sexual abuse, and 1 in 10 high school boys experienced physical or sexual abuse. LGBTQ students experienced higher rates of abuse than heterosexual students. 

Without guidance, teenagers may not recognize that they are in abusive relationships, and even with the recognition, they may not have the skills to remove themselves. They may even believe that teasing and name-calling is normal. They may have witnessed this within their own family. If teens recognize that the behavior is abusive, they may not know what to do. They may feel shame and fear telling friends and family. They may fear how their peers and family may think of them if they say anything, possibly blaming them for what occurred. They may fear how their partner may react if they tell anyone, especially if they are in school together. They may not want to break up with their partner, even if they want the abuse to stop. 

The CDC developed available resources for the community that focuses on healthy teenager relationships for 11–14-year-olds. CDC’s Dating Matters: Strategies to Promote Healthy Teen Relationships. It is on CDC’s website. It is worth looking at. The information is geared for the community to help prevent teen violence. The CDC noted that Teens that experienced dating violence were more likely to experience depression, anxiety, engage in smoking, drinking, and drugs, and had an increased chance of being in abusive relationships as adults. This youth program is designed to work with 6th, 7th, and 8th graders, parents, and teachers. The parent programs that work with parents during individual and group sessions and work with parents and their children in their home, are excellent ways to help our children gain the awareness, skills, and tools needed to cope and prevent toxic relationships. They also provide educator training to help the teachers understand risk factors and help them promote healthy relationships. 

I will speak to parents, as the question was asked. But this advice is for everyone who speaks to a teen. 

Please keep in mind that each teenager is an individual, but there are similarities during adolescence to consider.  

*Puberty: The teen is coping with their changing body, hormones, and strong, sometimes unregulated emotions. 

*Their physical appearance and how others see them become extremely important. 

*Their privacy may be of utmost importance

*They may engage in risky behavior. 

*Sexual curiosity and experimentation occur.

*Friends may become more important than family.

*Asserting independence is normal.

*Peer pressure occurs. Pressure about sex, friendships, drugs, and alcohol, to name a few.

*Self-esteem is tied to their social lives and how their peers see them.

If a teen realize that they are in an abusive relationship, they may not feel comfortable telling anyone about it. They may be concerned what their peers will think of them. They may be concerned about what their partners will tell others in response. They may feel shame. They may feel confused because there are good times too. They may think the way they are treated is normal because that is what their familial normal is, even if it sometimes feels wrong. If this is their first sexual relationship, that may create an additional bond to the abuser. 

How can we help our teenagers navigate their relationships? What they learn during their teens will influence how they navigate their adult relationships. Here are some suggestions. 

*Be a good role model. Treat your spouse, significant other, friends, family, and others with respect.

*Tell your teen exactly how you feel about physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. Tell them how you feel about controlling behavior. Discuss unhealthy and healthy relationships after watching documentaries, movies, TV series, and news together. 

*Talk openly with your teen about many subjects and respect and encourage their opinions. Try to be non-judgmental and present. Help your teen feel comfortable talking to you. 

*Understand what pressures they may face with their peers, such as friendships, substance abuse, romantic and sexual relationships, and bullying, to name a few. 

*Get to know your teen. Ask questions. Make them feel heard. Spend time together. 

*Be a friendly parent, not just a friend. They need guidance, and sometimes they may not like what you have to say.  

*Encourage being a supportive friend to others and picking supportive friends.

*Encourage strong social support systems and positive relationships.

If you think your teen is in an abusive relationship, this can be exceptionally difficult for a parent. I know my first tendency is to rescue my child and forbid my child to see that person again. But this is not advised. According to NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE (737-225-3150, thehotline.org) This is what they recommend. 

“Accept what they are telling you. Listen and be supportive even when you don’t understand or agree with their decisions. Being judgmental will make them feel worse and less likely to reach out to you for help when they need you.”

“Allow them to make up their own mind. Leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship is difficult and may even be dangerous……Abuse is about power and control, and making decisions for them can add to the disempowerment they are already experiencing from their partners.”

“Don’t prevent them from seeing their partner. Controlling their actions will make them more likely to keep secrets from you……. Forcing this may be something that their partner can easily use to manipulate and use as “proof” that other people are the problem.”

“Don’t post information about them on social media, so their partners do not know where they are.”

“Don’t give up.” Let them know you are there for them no matter what. You can rescue them then when they let you know they are ready.

Have these numbers available for your teenager. She, he, or they could share with friends as well.

Love is Respect. 866-331-9474 or 866-331-8453 TTY. www.loveisrespect.org. This is a 24/7 hotline to empower teens and young adults to prevent and end abusive relationships.)

National Domestic Violence Hotline. 800-799-SAFE(7233) or 800-787-3224 TTY. www.ndvh.org. 

Rape, Abuse & Incest Network (RAINN) Hotline. 800-656-HOPE(4673) www.rainn.org. 

DISCLAIMER:

The contents of this website; blog, video, articles, media, book, references, are ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.  

Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider. Call 911 if an emergency. Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255 to speak to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to speak to someone 24/7 if needed. 

Looking, reading, listening to any information on my website, book, and communication with me by email or any other communication with me, you acknowledge and agree that we do not have a professional/client relationship. Use of this site and information associated with this site is solely at the visitor’s own risk.