Grieving During the Holidays

By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW

 GRIEF SUCKS

I am on a rollercoaster. The one that loops around and goes up and down, and just when you think it ended, it goes backwards and does it all over again.

My triggers don’t always make any sense to me. Songs, smells, commercials, movies, a single word, traditions, and holidays are just some of the triggers that make me burst out in tears. Whycan’t I just remember with a smile and not a tear...You will one day... I promise...It takes time... it will get better. Grief never goes away, but it will get easier to carry.

My feelings are all over the place and so unpredictable. I find that one minute I want to be left alone and curl up in a ball and cry, and the next I want to be hugged and taken care of.Sometimes I want to be invited to celebrations, but if I don’t feel I can go, I want to be able to stay home and not be judged. Please invite me. I like knowing that I am wanted, but if I say last minute I can’t come, please understand it’s not personal and let it go, and please invite me again.

I want empathy and understanding for my ups and downs. I want my feelings validated. Please know I can’t control my emotionsnow. I don’t even understand them. I’ve never been through this before, at least not with this person. All I want to do is go back in time and have my mother, father, spouse, partner, friend, child, sibling, pet, boss, and all others that left me by death be by my side during this holiday.

I want this pain to go away. I want to feel happy again. I want to feel happy and not feel guilty for feeling happy. I want me back.But if I get me back, it is me without them, and I don’t want that either. 

The world the way I knew it is gone forever. I can’t seem to grasp my “new normal.” I look around, and everyone looks so happy during the holidays. The world is going on as usual, and I am standing still, completely alone, even if surrounded by people I love.

I want people to acknowledge that he, she, they are gone and tell stories about them. I want their seat to stay empty and their setting set. I want to talk about them and tell stories like when they dressed as Santa or asked me to marry them on Valentine’s Day. I want to make their favorite dish in their honor and play their favorite songs, and then I want to be alone and cry. I want to watch movies about cats, not mention their name, I want to escape the pain.  I want.....I want.... I want them back again!

Watching social media, TV, friends, going grocery shopping, seeing family celebrating the holidays, like usual, is a reminder of what I have lost. It can feel devastating and overwhelming. The grieving person is trying to figure out their new normal and where they belong in this new world. It is essential to acknowledge how we feel and that it is okay to feel this way. Surround yourself with good support and know the anticipation of holidays may be worse than the reality. Know you are never stuck and can excuse yourself from events necessary.

Maybe this will help

*There are no wrong feelings. Grieving is unpredictable. You may see similarities to how others grieve, but at the same time your grief is entirely unique.

*You may feel devastation, anger, envy, jealousy, sadness, loneliness, relief, and happiness. It’s okay to feel happy. You can still love and miss your loved one and have moments of joy and laughter.

*Even years after losing someone you love; the holidays can still be a trigger. Traditions do not feel the same and may be emotionally difficult to carry out without the deceased loved one.

*Give yourself permission to say no, to change your mind, and to feel..... whatever you feel is okay.

*Know you are not alone. Bereavement groups are an excellent place to see that you are not alone, that what you are feeling is normal, and to meet people who may be experiencing some of the same feelings you are feeling. 

*Sometimes, people say hurtful comments with good intentions. Unless a person has walked in your shoes, and no one has, they may not understand what to say. Most people want to help, but many don’t know how. You may not even know what can help you, but if you do then communicate your needs to your friends and family so they can help.

*Self-care is essential. You may have been a caregiver for many years and did not care for yourself. You may have stopped taking care of yourself since your loved one died. Journaling, exercise, meditation, walks, hiking, dancing,whatever self-care is personal to you. Please do not feel guilty about doing something nice for yourself. 

*Alcohol and drugs may make you feel worse.  

*Volunteering and helping others may help you feel better, especially if you were a caregiver.

*Set realistic expectations for yourself. Allow others to help and ask for help.

*Surround yourself with friends and family who are supportive, loving, and compassionate. Having moments alone is understandable and even needed but try not to isolate yourself completely.

*Be mindful of how you feel and allow yourself to feel... whatever you feel. Allow yourself to grieve. Holding in feelings can come out in unhealthy ways, such as physical symptoms and illness and misdirected anger.  

*There are no right ways to feel. Do not get caught up in how other people are feeling. Everyone grieves in their own unique way.

*Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time.

Things you can do during the holidays to honor your loved ones...but only if it feels right to you. Here are some suggestions

1. Talk about your loved one. Give yourself and others permission to share favorite memories.

​2. Talk about how you are feeling to supportive and compassionate friends and family and allow them to share as well.  

​3. Journal during the holidays. When you wake up on the day of the holiday, be mindful of how you are feeling. This may be the first holiday without your loved ones and may be excruciatingly painful. Write down what you are feeling and thinking. Write a letter to your loved one.

​4. Reminisce looking at photographs. Ask friends and family to share photos and stories.

​5. Continue an old tradition that will acknowledge and honor the deceased loved one. If that is too difficult, then start a new tradition that can honor a deceased loved one.

​6. If you need additional support you can speak to a mental health professional, medical professional, faith-based coach, and join a bereavement group in person, on zoom or online.

​7. Take time for yourself. Provide self-care. Be able to say no when you don’t want to attend holiday functions or limit your time there.  

​8. Leave an empty chair and place setting, light a candle, say a few words or a toast or a prayer at the table to honor a deceased loved one. You can honor all family and friends who have died.

​9. You can cook the deceased favorite food and talk about it.

​10. Donate to a charity in the deceased loved one’s name. Participate in a charity event related to their illness.

​11. Watch something they loved.

​12. Visit their grave.

​13. Visit a place you shared.

​14. Make a quilt with items of theirs or images they loved.

15. Write a poem, a short story, a letter, place a new decoration on a Christmas tree in their honor, light a candle in their honor and tell stories.

If you need additional support, please contact a mental health professional as soon as possible. See the resources below. You can also contact a medical professional, a faith-based professional, and compassionate friends and family. There are excellent bereavement groups available as well. You can reach out to mental health agencies, hospices, insurance companies and online for additional information. You do not have to do this alone.  

Resources:

1. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (24/7) 1-800-273-8255 or 988. You can call or text 988.

2. National De Prevencion Del Suicidio: (24/7) 1-888-628-9454

3. Crisis Text Line: Mental Health America: (24/7) Text MHA 741-741.

4. (Type namilexington.org ) NAMI has an excellent guild to help someone with Bipolar Disorder cope during holidays.

 

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The contents of this website; blog, video, articles, media, book, and references, are ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, or determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.  

Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider.

Call 911 if there is an emergency.

Call or text 988, which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,

Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed.

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