Why Do People Stay in Toxic Relationships?
By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW
How do people who are successful in many areas of their lives find themselves stuck in toxic relationships? They may see the red flags, feel something is wrong, and listen to their friends telling them to get out, but still feel paralyzed to leave. They get up every day and take care of their children, and their partners, they are successful at work, have good friendships, and can enjoy many aspects of their lives, but in their homes, they are often unhappy and in survival mode.
It can be challenging to be a friend who sees things clearly and does not understand why an intelligent person would stay in an abusive relationship. Not so simple for the person in that relationship. Be kind. Let me explain...
People stay for many reasons such as:
1. Their Traitor Within. The Traitor Within is your inner saboteur, that part of you that will take you down a path of self-destruction. It can be an inner voice, or an unconscious inner force usually developed in your childhood, although it can be formed at any time in your life. The Traitor Within is shaped by external voices of influential people in your life, observations of them, how they treated you, and by childhood and adult trauma which then becomes triggered in relationships.
2. What they were taught in childhood
3. Childhood trauma
4. Trauma bonding. There is a strong emotional attachment between the abuser and the abused. The partner may use fear and love as intermittent, irregular reinforcement, whichcauses biochemical changes in the victim’s brain. It feels like an addiction. People will do almost anything to get that high.
5. They remember what it felt like in the beginning when it was good and believes if they do... then one day that person will return.
6. It feels normal
7. They rationalize
8. Shame
9. Afraid to be alone
10. Afraid to leave
11. An overwhelming sense of loyalty
12. Think they will never be loved by anyone else
13. Think this is love
14. Think it will get better one day
15. Believe the dangling carrot will happen one day
16. Afraid if they leave, then the next person will get the good version and if they wait, then they will be the one to get that person
17. Think all their relationship problems are their fault
18. Didn’t know that abuse came in many forms like financial, sexual, emotional, and punishing behavior like silent treatment, bullying, and neglect
19. Best for the children
20. Financial
21. They love this person more than they love themselves
22. Afraid that people will think
23. Can’t face the truth
24. Physical and mental illness
25. Fearful of what their partner will do if they leave
26. They use denial, repression, rationalization, self-blame, minimization, and denial oftheir feelings to name a few coping mechanisms that helps the person survive and stay
27. Co-dependency and enmeshment
28. Fear
29. Think their partner is the only person that can solve their pain
30. Fear of abandonment
31. Make excuses for the abuse
How does the dichotomy occur? Brilliant people, people who are often incredibly successful in many areas of their lives, some have the financial means to be independent, but still stay in toxic and abusive relationships.
My mother was an appellate court judge. She wrote the court rules for over 30 years. She was well respected and made incredible life-changing legal decisions for New Jersey, some of which made a national impact. She was a loyal friend, generous to others, and brilliant. But her home, the home I grew up in was full of dysfunction, chaos, alcohol and drug abuse, infidelity, and abuse. Not only did she tolerate it, she also made excuses for it, and spent incredible amounts of energy trying to hide it.
Then there is me, the next generation. I learned by listening and watching my mother, my aunt, and my grandmother discuss their relationships and advise me. They always said I was to tolerateand excuse my romantic partner’s negative behavior. They also told me, as the men I was with did as well, that I was too sensitive and expected too much. My bar became so low I couldn’t limbo under it anymore.
My mother’s mantra was “carry on.” I was taught that no matter what happens in your life, youget up and you “carry on.” I would visit my hospice patients, and when their visit was done, I would enter my car and cry, then pull it together for my next patient, and so on. I thought I was doing a good job of “carrying on” in front of my children but it’s my understanding they did see a lot more than I thought. I cried a lot. I made excuses all the time. I walked on eight shells and lived for crumbs, believing if I did the right thing, if I could figure out the right way to please them, I would get back the person I met. That person never showed up again. The crumbs were just enough to keep me trying. I felt addicted to the crumbs. I lost myself.
You must be mindful of how you feel. Acknowledge the relationship is toxic and unhealthy. If you are with someone who can be insightful, has empathy, loves you, and is willing to work at the relationship, then you have a chance at making your relationship healthier. I would advise a couple’s therapy and induvial therapy to provide needed support. I happen to love Imago therapy for couple’s work.
If you are in a toxic relationship with someone who lacks empathy, is abusive, manipulative, and likely not able to love, then I would suggest you, with professional support and with nurturing friends, set boundaries. Please read previous blogs on Jessica annepressler.com to gain greater understanding on leaving a narcissist.
Most likely, you are a victim of your Traitor Within and the manipulation of your partner.
Your Traitor Within is your inner saboteur, that part of you that will take you down a path of self-destruction. It can be an inner voice, or an unconscious inner force usually developed in your childhood, although it can be formed at any time in your life. The Traitor Within is shaped by external voices of influential people in your life, observations of them, how they treated you and by childhood and adult trauma which then becomes triggered in relationships.
I came up with the concept of Traitor Within when I was trying to figure out why I stayed in several toxic and abusive relationships, some for many years. I wondered why I couldn’t break my dysfunctional pattern. I wondered why I didn’t leave. I saw red flags sometimes. But despite being a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who has worked as a psychotherapist for over 30 years, I still couldn’t stop my dysfunctional patterns. My Traitor Within prevented me from leaving unhealthy relationships and contributing to their dysfunction.
The first thing you need to do is identify your Traitor Within. For me, she was not an actual voice that I spoke to but for some she, he, they could be. For me, my Traitor Within was a part of my being and was responsible for how I responded to my partner in romantic relationships and why I stayed in toxic relationships. For me, the external voices of three very strong women; my mother, my grandmother and my aunt became a part of me like the blood in my veins. I watched how they acted toward their partners and heard stories of their relationships and received endless advice on how I should act in my own romantic relationships. These were women who were powerhouses in all aspects of their lives except with their partners. In addition, my Traitor Within was also created by trauma from my childhood that left me co-dependent and terrified to be abandoned.
Your Traitor Within is personal to you. What messaging you learned, what you observed and what was told to you as a child and adult is personal to you. What trauma occurred in your life is personal as well. How you were treated as a child and as an adult is your story. Once you identify your traitor, your inner saboteur, will have the knowledge and power to begin to make necessary changes in your life. Please do so with a therapist/coach/friend. This is not easy but trust me worth it. My memoir, Traitor Within, illustrates my own journey of self-discovery. My hope is that this book will help others discover their inner saboteur and stop their own self-destructive patterns as I did. Traitor Within will be available spring 2023.
According to Lisa A Romano, Breakthrough Life Coach, in her YouTube video, “7 TIPS ON HOW TO HEAL YOUR INNER CHILD, we must recognize that the inner child has wounds. The inner child remembers their childhood trauma. We must accept that what we believe and felt in our childhood happened, despite others who may deny this. We begin by acknowledging and accepting our truth at this moment. It is essential to be compassionate and nurture our inner child and honor what we feel and be able to set boundaries allow you to feel safe. You learn to nurture yourself and do not need others to make you feel safe.
Lisa A Romano’s tips.
1. Start meditating to help slow down thoughts and catch unhealthy thinking.
2. Journal the thoughts you hear yourself saying and repeating. It allows you to see the way you speak to yourself, which may be how others talked to you when you were a child. It makes you accountable and helps you understand the feelings associated with your words and thinking.
3. Witness your inner child and ask yourself how you feel. Be the observer of what you are observing. Journaling helps this. This will help you develop compassion toward your inner child.
4. Acknowledge your inner child and how she feels.
5. Validate your inner child. “I see you.” “I hear you.” “I love you.” and “You are enough.
6. Empathy for your inner child and for what she went through.
7. Get a photo of yourself and keep it out so you can look at it often. It helps remind you that there is an inner child within you that was wounded, that it is not your fault that you were wounded, and you are on the path to healing your inner child.
Lisa A Romano, Breakthrough Life Coach, and author has written many books, and offers a 12-week program on co-dependency recovery, a masterclass on breakthrough faulty, limiting beliefs created in childhood, meditations, and other support, including individual life coaching. Her website is lisaaromano.com.
The journey may be painful at first and should be done with a psychotherapist, life coach, faith-based coach, or another professional who understands inner child work. Support groups and programs can help as well.
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