Coping After the Loss of a Loved One to Suicide
By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW
According to the CDC, In 2020, in the United States:
12.2 million adults (over 18) seriously thought about suicide.
In addition, 3.2 million adults made a plan, and 1.2 million adults attempted suicide.45,979 people died by suicide, one death every 11 minutes.
For every suicide death, four people of hospitalized for a suicide attempt, eight people visited the emergency room because of suicide, 27 people self-report suicide attempts, and 275 people "seriously considered suicide."
Suicide rates among veterans are 52.3 percent greater than non-veterans, and people who previously served in the military account for 13.7 percent of adult suicides in the United States.
Other people who may have a higher risk for suicide are people living in rural areas, sexual and gender minorities, middle-aged adults, tribal populations, and people who have experienced adverse childhood experiences and disabilities.
According to the CDC, in the 2019 report of the previous year, 9 percent of high school students in the United States reported attempting suicide. In a 2021 study that the CDC quotes by the Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS), nearly 1 in 3 (30 %) of teen girls, reported: "seriously considered attempting suicide." The CDC said that 1 in 5 (22%) of LGBQ plus students attempted suicide in the past year of the survey.
*Please see CDC, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, reports for further breakdown.
As you see from the CDC statistics, suicide ideation and death by suicide touch many of us at some point in some way. As a society, we need to do better. But as a grieving loved one, please know it was not your fault.
The loss of a loved one due to suicide can be devastating. Grief, guilt, helplessness, and confusion can overwhelm a person. The survivors may find themselves having to cope with a myriad of feelings that may change from moment to moment, such as devastation, shock, disbelief, stigmatized, self-blame, blaming others, feeling like a failure, despair, disoriented, sad, anger, relieved, rejected, abandoned, responsible, realization others blame them, and shame. You may feel judged or find your deceased loved one being judged and that people only speak of their suicide instead of their life. Some survivors are left angry at themselves for not recognizing the warning signs, which many times there are not, and not preventing the suicide. Others become angry toward the deceased for abandoning them, their family, and their friends. And others become consumed with blaming the doctors, therapists, church, and God, while others may feel everything mentioned at some point. And a survivor may find they will never know what their loved ones were feeling and thinking before they died, especially if a detailed note was not left.
The survivors may be unable to get the support they need and desire because they may not seek help because of their feelings of shame, stigma, embarrassment, concern about what others think of their loved one, or their failure to prevent suicide. In addition, cultural and religious norms may burden the grieving person's feelings about their loved one's suicide and how others support them. In addition, grieving loved ones may not get the support they need because of the discomfort of others and others' inability to know the right thing to say, leaving the bereaved alone to grieve and try to make sense of their loved one's death.
The stigma of suicide can make grieving and healing even more difficult. People may have the misconception that the person that died by suicide acted selfishly, they were weak-minded, they did it to punish the survivors, they are mentally ill, come only from dysfunctional families, the suicide was a sin, and you won't go to heaven, and death by suicide should not ever be discussed. Because of these false beliefs, the loved ones left may not get the support they need.
Suicide is often shocking, sudden, and difficult to make sense of. Unless there was a note left, or even if there was one, people are often left with questions such as: Why did they do it? Why didn't they get the help they needed? Why didn't they love me enough not to leave me? Why are they so selfish? Why didn't they care about the people they left behind? Why did I not see their pain? Why did I not see the signs? Why wasn't I enough to live for? Is it my fault? The survivor may go over their loved one's life, all their interactions trying to piece the puzzle together. Sometimes when a person dies by suicide, the death is investigated by the police, and the media may become involved, bringing additional stress, confusion, and pain.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It is not your fault when someone dies by suicide; you cannot control another person. You are not a mind reader. If someone wants to die by suicide, they will follow through and most likely hide it from you. Looking back now and seeing signs you may have missed is unfair, as you know of his, her, their death. It is likely that your loved one was not thinking clearly and likely only wanted their pain to stop and saw no other way to stop the pain than by ending their life.
I share this because this is how I felt three times in my life and listened to others who have thought about suicide. Imagine feeling your entire body overtaken by excruciating emotional and physical pain for hours, days, or years and no matter what others offer you, you see no possibility for any relief other than ending your life. That may be how they felt, desperate, unable to think, just able to act. And they most likely did not want to be stopped. They just wanted the torture to stop. This choice is a reflection of their desperate need to end their pain and not a reflection of how they feel about you or others. It is not your fault. At the time of their suicide, they were likely unable to think logically and rationally. They may have felt hopeless, helpless, and in such pain that they saw no way to stop their agony other than suicide. At that moment and leading up to that moment, they may be unable to understand the consequences of their suicide to the ones left behind. They may even have rationalized that others are better off without them.
Losing someone close due to suicide can be a challenging experience that takes time and effort—both emotionally and mentally—to get through successfully. Remember that it's okay if things don't happen overnight; allow yourself the time needed for healing without putting pressure on yourself for an immediate recovery period after such a traumatic event has occurred in your life. When dealing with any traumatic event, taking care of yourself first and foremost is essential. This means getting enough rest, eating healthy foods, exercising regularly, and engaging in relaxing and happy activities. Additionally, it's important not to isolate yourself—share your feelings with friends and family members who you trust and can provide support during this challenging time by attending support groups and therapy to help cope during this difficult time. It is perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed by grief or guilt after losing someone to suicide. It is natural to have difficulty accepting your loved one's death, but this is needed to begin to heal.
Coping with grief after a suicide death can be difficult. It will take time. It will take effort. It takes courage to examine your own beliefs and feelings about this loss.
Here are some tools that may help: Allow yourself to grieve, to express how you feel. Holding in your feelings can delay healing and contribute to physical illnesses. Remember that their suicide does not define your loved one. Instead, try to remember their life. Look at pictures, tell stories, and share stories. This process may be as if on a rollercoaster and can be extremely painful and difficult, but it will become less painful, and the pain will be less often as you go through your grief process.
Journaling can be a safe place to acknowledge your thoughts and release intense emotions. Write letters to your loved ones in the journal. Write about the positive aspects of your relationships. Write anything you want.
Meditation and mindfulness practices: Meditation and mindfulness practices can help you develop self-awareness and acceptance and cultivate inner calm and resilience in the face of difficult emotions.
Cognitive strategies: Cognitive strategies such as reframing, positive self-talk, and cognitive restructuring can help to reduce negative thoughts and emotions, particularly when they are based on unrealistic or distorted beliefs.
Art therapy: Art therapy can provide a safe and creative outlet for expressing emotions that are difficult to articulate in words and promote relaxation and reduce stress.
Exercise and movement: Exercise and activity can help to alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety, which are common after a suicide death. Exercise can also increase endorphins and promote relaxation and feelings of well-being.
Self-compassion practices: Self-compassion practices can help you develop a more compassionate and kinder attitude towards yourself, promoting healing and self-care. Self-love and self-care are vital. Allow others to care for you as well.
Seeking professional help: If you are experiencing complicated grief and finding it difficult to function normally, seeking professional help from a mental health professional can be an essential step in your healing process. A mental health professional can provide support, as well as help you to develop coping strategies that are tailored to your unique needs.
You can share your information on social media and allow others to support you and you. Just be careful if you are open to the public.
When speaking to children and teens about suicide, please ensure they understand it is not their fault. Be honest and remember their developmental age, past trauma, coping, and stressors. Seek professional support and education to help with this. I would recommend counseling and support groups.
Support from a non-judgmental person who is comfortable just being by your side, listening to you, and validating how you feel, can genuinely help as you grieve and begin to heal.
Remember that everyone's grief journey is different and finding tools and strategies that work for you is essential. However, with time, support, and self-care, finding meaning and healing in your grief is possible.
If these feelings become too much for you to handle on your own, don't hesitate to seek professional assistance from a mental health provider like a therapist or counselor. A mental health provider will be able to provide you with a supportive, non-judgmental, safe place and give you the tools for how best to manage your thoughts and feelings during this challenging period in your life. As you begin to accept their death, you may not be able to predict how you may feel from one moment to the next. Grieving can feel like a rollercoaster. Please take care of yourself and let others support you. Try to eat well, sleep, exercise, and take one day, one hour at a time.
Additionally, many communities offer various support groups specifically designed for those who have lost someone close through suicide—these are great places for finding comfort in shared experiences while also being able to speak openly about your emotions without fear of judgment or criticism from others.
Here is a list of therapies available to help cope with grief after a suicide.
However, it's important to note that different types of therapy work for other people, so it's recommended to consult with a mental health professional to determine the most effective therapy for your unique situation.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT can help you identify and change negative thought patterns contributing to your grief. This type of therapy is often used to treat depression and anxiety, which can be expected after a suicide.
Trauma-focused therapy: Trauma-focused therapy can help you to process the traumatic experience of losing someone to suicide. This type of therapy can help you to develop coping strategies and reduce symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Mindfulness-based therapy: This type of therapy can help you to develop awareness and acceptance of your thoughts and feelings, reducing your stress and helping you to cope with your grief more healthily.
Family therapy: Family therapy can help you and your family members communicate more effectively and support each other through grieving.
Support groups: Joining a support group can provide you with a community of people who have experienced similar losses, which can help share emotions and provide mutual support.
Art therapy: Art therapy can allow you to express your grief and emotions creatively, which can help reduce stress and promote healing.
To learn more about suicide prevention and available support for those who have lost a loved one in this way, please visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Here is a list of online support resources for people coping with grief after a suicide:
All these resources can provide a valuable source of comfort and support during a challenging time.
1. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP): AFSP offers an online support group called Healing Conversations, where you can connect with others who have experienced a suicide loss.
2. Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors: The Alliance of Hope provides an online forum to connect with other survivors, access information on coping strategies, and seek advice and support.
3. Suicide Bereavement Support: This website offers a range of resources for survivors of suicide loss, including articles, e-books, podcasts, and other tools for coping with grief.
4. Compassionate Friends: Compassionate Friends is a national organization that offers support to families who have experienced the death of a child, including those resulting from suicide. They offer online and in-person support groups and a wealth of information and resources for coping with grief.
5. Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS): TAPS supports families who have lost a loved one who served in the military, including those who have died by suicide. They offer online support groups, peer mentoring, and a range of other programs and resources.
6. Survivors of Suicide Loss: This online community offers a forum where you can connect with others who have experienced a suicide loss, share your grief, and support others struggling.
*National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: call or text 988. Although not explicitly designed for survivors of suicide loss, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline offers 24/7 support and crisis intervention for anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts or grief over a suicide loss.
I recommend a book by Marci Glidden Savage called, And No One Saw It Coming. It is her story of how she coped after her first husband died by suicide after 34 years of marriage and her second husband's death by suicide after eight months of marriage.
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