In the process of writing this book, I developed a heightened self-awareness of the multi-faceted nature of abuse. It took time and distance to develop insight into my ability to insulate my true feelings. Recognizing and understanding my own participation—and finding myself in variations of the same patterns of abuse—was motivational in writing. 

 I don’t want there to be any misunderstanding of responsibility. Abusive behavior; physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional is ALWAYS the fault of the abuser. One NEVER brings any aspect of this upon oneself, causes it, or EVER deserves to be abused. I always understood this concept when it came to my clients, my friends, acquaintances, and strangers—I did not recognize this in regard to myself. I am still gaining insight. It is difficult to undo so many years of thinking a certain way. Distance helps, objective voices help, and time.

For my readers to truly understand my journey, I had to dig deep and expose as honestly and fully as I could my own complex and dangerous entanglements, relationships, and situations whereby the abuse now seems apparent. There were many times when I was humiliated, embarrassed, or ashamed of what I had done or become. I hope the result of my exposure will be a useful tool for others who find themselves in similar settings. I plan to participate in an ongoing forum that will be available to help people recognize and escape as much of the abuse inflicted by others as possible.

"The Unintentional Traitor” is the story of the journey of two, myself and an irresistible inner force, shaped primarily by my mother, and events that evolved into my inner traitor. Together, “we” would attempt to navigate the chaos and assault that was present, often daily, in several abusive and self-destructive situations and relationships. Despite each relationship and circumstance having different dangers, protagonists, and outcomes, I often responded in a similar manner as I tried to chart a path to safety. It took years of experience and reflection to begin to understand that this inner force that travelled with me, offered often dangerous and destructive directions. My cycle as the recipient of abuse was a complex combination of victimization by abusive individuals, my own character’s lack of self-awareness and my inner traitor providing direction.