Understanding Trauma Bonding: What It Is, How It Feels, and How to Heal
By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW
Trauma bond story time...
Jill meets Jack and he’s a wonderful man who is very attentive and loving. In the beginning he walks her up the hill carrying her case of bottled water. He’s extremely kind and caring for the first six months then he changes. He’s not only stopped carrying her case of water up the hill, but he convinced her to carry hers and his as well. He calls her names, criticizes her, yells at her, gives her the silent treatment, says one thing, and does another and she is left doubting her reality. Jill is confused. It does not make sense to her that Jack is acting like this because the person she met months ago was so sweet and kind. Jill expresses her feelings, and Jack denies what she says to be true and tells her, her feelings are stupid and immature, and she is never satisfied and that no one will ever be able to please her. What makes this relationship confusing and uncomfortable for Jill is how wonderful Jack used to be. Jill keeps remembering the wonderful days they had together and spend hours trying to figure out what she could do to make him like that again. Occasionally, Jack says something kind, reminding Jill of the man she met. Jill is trying to make sense of this, and despite the hurtful ways that Jack is treating her tries to rationalize and make excuses for his behavior. Maybe Jack is under stress bringing water up and down the hill all day. Maybe Jack hurt his head when he fell down the hill and she feels guilty for being unhappy and inconsiderate despite she fell after him. Maybe she wonders if she did something that upset him. Jill becomes obsessed with trying to pinpoint the moment he started acting that way, what she did to cause him to do so and how she can make the relationship better. She constantly apologizes to him and often second-guesses her decisions. She has lost all confidence in herself and relies more on Jack. Jill has decided that despite how exhausted she is and how bad she feels about herself, and how unhappy she is, she’d will do anything make this relationship work. She holds on to every positive moment that happens between her and Jack and continues to make excuses for his negative behavior. Jill is often anxious, has developed chronic gastritis, has difficulty sleeping and is constantly catching colds. Before Jack, she was emotionally and physically healthy and despite realizing this and despite understanding that Jack has been abusive, she’s still can’t walk away.
What is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond is a deep emotional attachment formed between an abused person and their abuser. It develops through a cycle of abuse, devaluation, and intermittent positive reinforcement, creating a powerful emotional connection that is difficult to break (Carnes, 2019). This bond is not a healthy attachment but rather a result of the intense psychological manipulation and control tactics used by the abuser (Samsel, 2018).
Abusers often employ tactics such as gaslighting, isolation, and intermittent reinforcement to maintain control over their victims (Stosny, 2021). They may alternate between periods of abuse and affection, creating a confusing and destabilizing environment that keeps the victim emotionally dependent on the abuser (Schneider, 2018).
The trauma bond primarily occurs in romantic relationships, but it can occur between a child and an abusive caregiver, colleagues at work, and friendships. The stages of Trauma Bonding usually occur like this:
Love bombing, when a person tries to win you over with grand gestures and overwhelming ideas of love, which may include future faking.
Does anything to gain your trust and dependency and future faking continues.
Becomes critical, blames you and criticizes you, emotionally abusive often the victim feels bad about themselves. They may start a fight to make their victim feel something is wrong with them and then see their abuser as the one there for them. Have you ever been in a situation where you find yourself defending yourself and you have no idea why your partner is even saying the things they say.
They are then gaslighting their victim which means when they shift the blame onto the other person and then manipulate them into thinking that they’re wrong or going crazy.
Then the victim doesn’t know what to believe anymore and will do what they can to avoid conflict. This may see that things are okay, deny what’s happening in order to cope, make excuses for their abuser’s behavior, and resign themselves to this is the way it is, and do what they can to keep peace and make their partner happy in the process. In the process a person may feel they are lost their “self.”
It feels like you’re addicted to this person. After they abuse you, they may love bombing you and give you positive reinforcement, causing a sense of relief and pleasure and hope and then abuse you again and what’s interesting about the trauma bonding is that it’s intermittent positive reinforcement, so you never know when it’s going to happen, which is even feels more addictive.
What It Feels Like to Be in a Trauma Bond
The constant cycle of abuse and stress can have severe effects on a victim's physical and mental health, leading to chronic stress, hyperarousal, emotional dysregulation, neurological changes, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (Bergmann, 2019; van der Kolk, 2015).
Being in a trauma bond can feel confusing, overwhelming, and all-consuming. Victims may experience:
1. Intense feelings of love, loyalty, and protectiveness towards the abuser, despite the abuse. Justifying the abuse, covering for the abusive person, isolating self specially from people who are trying to help, becoming defensive when someone brings up the abuse, and not wanting to leave the situation.
2. Difficulty leaving the abusive relationship, even when they recognize the abuse.
3. A sense of emotional dependence on the abuser, feeling like they can't live without them. It feels addictive.
4. Rationalizing or minimizing the abusive behavior, often blaming themselves.
5. Hoping that the abuser will change, focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship, chasing the carrot.
6. Feeling trapped, hopeless, and powerless to change the situation.
7. In the beginning, when you try to leave, you may feel anxiety, rumination, depression, and lost. It can feel like you’re withdrawing from an actual drug. It is not uncommon for people when they leave to return and leave and return again.
When someone is in a trauma bond, the constant cycle of abuse and stress can have severe effects on their physical and mental health and may experience:
1. Chronic stress: Living in a state of constant fear and anxiety can lead to chronic stress, which can weaken the immune system and increase the risk of physical health problems.
2. Hyperarousal: The body may be in a constant state of hyperarousal, always on alert for the next threat. This can lead to difficulty sleeping, irritability, and trouble concentrating.
3. Emotional dysregulation: The intense emotional experiences can cause difficulties in regulating emotions, leading to mood swings, anxiety, and depression.
4. Neurological changes: Chronic exposure to trauma can alter brain structure and function, particularly in areas related to stress response, memory, and emotion regulation.
5. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Trauma bonding can lead to the development of PTSD, characterized by flashbacks, nightmares, avoidance, and hyperarousal.
Breaking a trauma bond often requires professional help, such as therapy with a trauma-informed mental health professional. Healing involves recognizing the abusive nature of the relationship, understanding the impact of trauma, and developing healthy coping strategies and support systems.
Best Ways to Heal from a Trauma Bond
Breaking a trauma bond often requires professional help who understand trauma, abuse, and trauma bonding and by friends, who are non-judgmental, validating, empathetic, and compassionate. Some of the most effective ways to heal include:
1. Therapy with a trauma-informed mental health professional, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)
2. Joining support groups or connecting with others who have experienced similar traumas.
3. Practicing self-care and stress-reduction techniques, such as mindfulness, meditation, or yoga.
4. Educating oneself about trauma, abuse, and healthy relationships.
5. Developing a safety plan and seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or professionals when needed.
6. Developing a new normal for yourself that does not include the abuser or people that are close to the abuser.
7. Acknowledge the truth, educate yourself on trauma bonds and narcissistic traits, grieve the loss of the person you thought they were, the future you thought you would have, what you thought was real, and the belief you would return to the way it was in the beginning or the way they promised. Tell your story where you will be validated and supported. Journal to tell story.
8. Boundaries are vital. Support is vital.
What It Feels Like to Heal from a Trauma Bond
Healing from a trauma bond is a challenging but rewarding process. As survivors work through their experiences, they may:
1. Experience a range of emotions, including grief, anger, and relief.
2. Develop a clearer understanding of the abusive nature of the relationship.
3. Learn to set boundaries and prioritize their own needs and well-being.
4. Build healthier relationships and support systems.
5. Rediscover their sense of self and reclaim their autonomy.
6. Focusing on the present, practicing self-care and self-love, and choosing only healthy relationships and being kind to yourself.
7. Finding meaning and growth in their experiences, developing resilience and self-compassion.
8. Developing a new normal where you could be your true, authentic self.
Healing from a trauma bond is a gradual process that requires patience, self-compassion, and support. By understanding the dynamics of trauma bonding, seeking help, and committing to self-care, survivors can break free from the cycle of abuse and build healthier, more fulfilling lives. Be kind to yourself, this will take time, but is so worth it. You will get you back and better.
References:
- Bergmann, U. (2019). Neurobiological foundations for EMDR practice. Springer Publishing Company.
- Carnes, P. (2019). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships. Health Communications, Inc.
- Samsel, M. (2018, August 27). Trauma bonding: What it is and how to heal. The National Domestic Violence Hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/trauma-bonds-what-are-they-and-how-can-we-overcome-them/
- Schneider, A. (2018, October 11). Trauma bonding: Why it's so hard to leave an abusive relationship. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/10/trauma-bonding-why-its-so-hard-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship
- Stosny, S. (2021, January 7). Emotional abuse and trauma bonding. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/202101/emotional-abuse-and-trauma-bonding
- van der Kolk, B. A. (2015). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books.
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