Stress, Illness, and Toxic Romantic Relationships
(Part II of last week’s blog, Hiding in Plain Sight…How Chronic Stress Can Make You Sick)
In retrospect, my attempts to “make” my ex become empathetic and supportive were futile, and my repeated failures were becoming increasingly dangerous to me. I was often confused, anxious, in pain, and exhausted. I felt like a failure, pathetic and trapped. I felt misunderstood and invisible. I begged for truth and loyalty. I just wanted to be loved. I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong, because what I was doing made sense to me, and yet I failed again and again. Not only did my mental health suffer, but I was deteriorating physically as well. I developed tremors, mercury poisoning, shellfish allergies, asthma, agonizing tooth infections that were not responding to antibiotics, skin issues, stomach reflux, and sleep problems. This went on for years. My focus was not on my symptoms, but on my belief that he would one day be the man I met, and he would love and like me again.
I lacked insight into the dynamics of our relationship. I lacked insight into my co-dependency,my self-sabotage, and my Traitor Within. I also did not understand how my mind, body, and soul were affected. Now I do.
In retrospect, the proof of my mind/body connection is apparent. After we separated, all my medical issues vanished. I visited my allergist, who had been skin testing and treating me for years for shellfish allergies and asthma. He found that I no longer was allergic to shellfish, and I no longer had asthma. All other ailments were gone. I no longer needed an epi-pen, daily inhaler, emergency inhaler, or reflux medication. I was free and healthy. I am healthy. In the past, I had always felt my best in between relationships but the pain I felt within them felt more “normal” to me. I did not see leaving as an option.
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How a relationship with a narcissist causes stress…
After the initial honeymoon phase, the narcissist engages in intermittent reinforcement. They become cruel with moments of kindness. This leaves the victim often feeling anxious, fearful, confused, exhausted, and in emotional pain. The narcissist’s repetitive pattern is to alternate abuse with positive experiences until the victim can no longer recognize the abuse. Even if the victim realizes they are in an abusive relationship, they have been conditioned to forgive. They often blame themselves and find themselves unable to let go. The victim walks on eggshells, hyper-focusing on pleasing the abuser and not making them angry and seems satisfied with the smallest amount of affection. The victim may feel addicted to the narcissist, needing their validation, and love and even looking at them for comfort after periods of abuse. When the abuser comforts you or apologizes for their abuse, your brain latches on to the positive reinforcement and not the consequence of staying with the person that abused them.
Here are specific examples of this pattern.
First, the narcissist love bombs you. This is when the narcissist manipulates their victim by throwing everything you may want at once very early in the relationship. They may shower their victim with endless affection, and compassion and appear to understand you.They give you gifts, and promises for the future, and declare their undying love. You then believe you have found Mr. Perfect. This is a form of conditioning. Eventually, the narcissist mask slips, and the real person emerges.
Then you may realize they are selfish and lack empathy. The narcissist who was loving and kind and available may suddenly ignore you, they may punish you by withdrawing their kindness, giving you the silent treatment, or become unavailable. You may find yourselfconfused and anxious and stressed trying to regain your equilibrium again. When you try to speak to them about how you feel, they lack empathy and turn around blaming you for the decline in the relationship.
Then when you begin to show any sign of strength and they may feel you could leave them, the narcissist may throw a breadcrumb, just enough to stick around.
They return to being abusive and when you question the abusive behavior, the narcissist will probably then gaslight you.
This cycle continues and can go on for many years and can affect your physical and mental health.
Sadly, in addition, the victim does not get the support they need from the outside world. The abuse can be subtle and private. The narcissist lies and there is no limit to what they will say. The victim may not report to friends and family what is happening because they are feeling protective of the abuser and the relationship, they feel it is their fault, shame, and a realization that no one will believe them. Many times, they must cope alone. This causes additional stress.
The stress from these relationships can contribute to medical illness and prevent proper healing. (See the previous blog.) The victim may not get the attention needed to prevent, treat, or care for themselves.
It is important to note that many people in toxic relationships are just trying to get through the day and have little energy left for self-care; mentally or physically. In narcissistic relationships, the focus is often on the narcissist and maintaining their relationship with little concern for themselves. They may miss doctor appointments, miss preventative care visits like mammograms, dermatologist skin checks, and gynecologist visits to name a few, and not pay attention to their symptoms. If they tell the narcissist they want to see a doctor, they may discourage the doctor visits because it is not about them; they are fearful their abuse will be discovered, and they just do not care about them, and it will take time away from them.
What happens if you become sick when you are involved with a narcissist? The narcissist may care for you at first. They may get their narcissistic supply from the praise you and others give them. They may help you to look like a hero or to gain sympathy and attention, even by posting pictures and information on social media. But the actual help wanes in private despite what they may be telling the public and they may become enraged if you criticize them, even turning it on you, making you feel guilty for not being more appreciative of what they are doing for you. They may also discourage others from helping so they continue to be the only hero and the truth remains hidden. In the end, you do not get the care needed.
Eventually, they may resent you for getting attention. They may resent you for needing them. They may resent you for not being able to take care of them. They may resent you for not being the positive accessory that made them look good, you once were. Not only do you have to cope with your illness, but you also must cope with the feelings caused by their abuse. This additional stress contributes to difficulty healing.
A person’s health is not only affected by the daily stressors of a toxic relationship, but also by the lack of self-care and lack of care from others. Letting go of toxic relationships, setting proper boundaries, and getting support before you are ill are the best ways to ensure mental and physical health.
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