LIVING IN THE SHADOW OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE: Is this YOU?

By Jessica Anne Pressler, LCSW

Have you found that you are otherwise a stable person in all aspects of your life except with the narcissist? No wonder…….

The insidious nature of narcissistic abuse lies in its ability to slowly erode a person's sense of self, leaving deep emotional scars that can take years to heal. Life with a narcissist is unbalanced and uncertain. They lie and when confronted they double down, deny, and/or turn it on you. They are erratic. They try to weaken and destabilize you. They are spin doctors. They use word salad. They purposely use language to influence their victim. They use little or no logic, circular discussions, condescending tone, over-generalizing, lying, and focusing on winning. 

They communicate in a way that will gaslight you. They will manipulate the topic by blame shifting, projecting, stonewalling, changing the subject, putting you on the defensive, to escape accountability. They will confuse you, make you feel sorry for them, make you feel guilty, and pity them. Sometimes they do this to protect their persona, sometimes to feel in control and powerful, and sometimes just for fun as they watch you suffer. After such a conversation with a narcissist, you may be left confused, taking the blame for something you never believed you did before this conversation and feeling sorry for the narcissist. You probably don’t even know what hit you but are left exhausted, beaten up, and feeling like you are going crazy. 

One of the reasons narcissists act this way is because they are protecting their false sense of self. When someone questions their beliefs, it triggers their defense mechanisms to protect their false persona. Word salad is one coping mechanism they use to avoid facing accountability and avoid challenging their false self. Unfortunately, the other person becomes the target, and the narcissist doesn’t care what happens to them as he/she /they, lack empathy, and will say and do anything to protect themselves. This is extremely confusing to the victim because unless you understand this motive, their actions make no sense.

We must be careful not to internalize what they say. Just because your husband, mother, boss etc. said it was true, doesn’t mean what they said is true. It doesn’t mean they believe it’s true. They likely know what they said is a lie, but they insist it is true to manipulate you as I noted above. Don’t get caught up in convincing them of the truth, as I have in the past. If they don’t know the truth, then their thinking is so distorted and delusional that they will never see the truth. They do so to protect their false self. 

Gaslighting: The Foundation of Reality Distortion

Imagine questioning your most basic perceptions – whether you actually said something you clearly remember, or if an event you witnessed really happened as you recall. Gaslighting victims experience a profound disconnection from reality as their abuser consistently denies or distorts events, responding with phrases like "that never happened" or "you're remembering it wrong." Over time, victims find themselves apologizing for things they didn't do, doubting their memories, and keeping detailed notes just to maintain their grip on reality. The psychological impact is devastating – many survivors report feeling like they're "going crazy" or "losing their mind."

Love Bombing: The Intoxicating Beginning

The narcissist's initial courtship feels like a fairy tale. They shower their target with excessive attention, affection, and promises of a perfect future. Text messages flood in all day. Grand gestures and passionate declarations of love create an intense emotional high. The victim feels uniquely understood, cherished, and "chosen." This phase creates a powerful reference point that keeps victims hoping to recapture that initial magic, even after abuse begins. The intensity of love bombing also serves to speed up relationship commitment before the victim can recognize red flags.

Trauma Bonding: The Invisible Chains

Perhaps the most confusing aspect for survivors is their powerful attachment to their abuser. Trauma bonding occurs through a cycle of abuse and intermittent reinforcement – periods of cruelty followed by moments of kindness or "normalcy." The biochemical response to this roller coaster of stress and relief creates an addiction-like bond. Victims describe feeling physically drawn back to their abuser despite intellectual awareness of the harm being done. This biochemical attachment explains why leaving isn't as simple as "just walking away."

Hoovering: The Manipulation of Return

When victims attempt to break free, narcissists deploy sophisticated hoovering techniques to pull them back. These can include:

- Desperate declarations of love and promises to change

- Threats of self-harm or suicide

- "Coincidental" appearances in places the victim frequents

- Heartfelt apologies and temporary good behavior

- Using shared children or pets as leverage

- Financial manipulation or withholding important documents

The emotional toll of hoovering is immense, as it exploits the victim's capacity for empathy and their hopes for genuine change.

Shifting Targets: Idealization, Devaluation, and Discard

Narcissists cycle through relationship phases that leave victims emotionally whiplashed. The idealization phase (love bombing) shifts into devaluation, where subtle criticisms and put-downs gradually increase. The victim finds themselves working harder and harder to recapture the narcissist's approval. The discard phase may be emotional or physical abandonment, often occurring when the narcissist has secured a new target. Many victims report that this cyclical nature of abuse creates profound feelings of worthlessness and despair.

Financial and Social Abuse

Beyond emotional manipulation, narcissists often seek to isolate and control their victims through:

- Controlling access to money or creating financial dependence

- Sabotaging professional opportunities

- Turning friends and family against the victim

- Using shared resources as leverage

- Creating public smear campaigns

The Impact on Mental Health

Survivors frequently develop:

- Complex PTSD symptoms

- Chronic anxiety and hypervigilance

- Depression and suicidal thoughts

- Difficulty trusting others

- Persistent self-doubt and shame

- Physical health issues from chronic stress

 Recovery and Healing

 Healing begins with education and validation. Understanding these patterns helps survivors recognize they're not "crazy" or "too sensitive." Their experiences are real, their feelings are valid, and their trauma responses are normal reactions to abnormal treatment. Professional trauma-informed therapy, support groups, and safe community connections play crucial roles in recovery.

*Please check out my many blogs on narcissism at jessicaannepressler.com where I explain the definitions in more detail and provide additional resources and information. I always believe that knowledge is our superpower. A narcissist is predictable and what they say and do is to protect their own internal persona and get narcissistic supply and has nothing to do with you. I know it feels like it does. I’ve been there. But trust me it has much more to do with them. They say things through distorted glasses. They need to do this, so they don’t see who they really are inside. The way they feel, act and think hasonly has to do with self-preservation and their need for narcissistic supply.

DISCLAIMER:

The contents of this website; blog, video, articles, media, social media, book, and references, are ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, or determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.  

Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider.

Call 911 if there is an emergency.

Call or text 988, which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,

Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed.

Looking at, reading, listening to any information on my website, social media, YouTube, or book, and communicating with me by email or any other communication with me, you acknowledge and agree that we do not have a professional/client relationship. Use of this site and information associated with this site is solely at the visitor’s own risk

References:

- Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

- Saeed, S. (2019). Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse

- Arabi, S. (2016). Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare

- Evans, P. (2010). The Verbally Abusive Relationship

- Herman, J. (2015). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence

Support Resources:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE

Psychology Today Therapist Finder (for locating trauma-informed therapists)

Online survivor communities and support groups

Note: Every survivor's experience is unique, and recovery happens on their own timeline. There is no shame in seeking help, and no one deserves to experience abuse.