Understanding Trauma Bonding: Breaking Free from the Cycle of Abuse

by Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW

Trauma bonding is a complex psychological phenomenon that occurs when a person forms a strong emotional attachment to their abuser. This bond is formed through a cycle of abuse, devaluation, and intermittent reinforcement, creating a powerful and unhealthy connection that can be difficult to break. In this blog post, we'll explore the stages of trauma bonding and discuss strategies for undoing these bonds and breaking free from the cycle of abuse.

Stages of Trauma Bonding:

1. Love Bombing: The abuser showers the victim with excessive affection, attention, and admiration, creating a false sense of security and intense emotional connection.

- Example: An abuser constantly sends loving messages, gives extravagant gifts, and makes grand romantic gestures early in the relationship.

2. Trust and Dependency: The victim begins to trust the abuser and becomes emotionally dependent on them for love, validation, and a sense of identity.

- Example: The victim confides in the abuser, sharing deep secrets and vulnerabilities, and feels like the abuser is the only one who truly understands them.

3. Criticism and Devaluation: The abuser starts to criticize, belittle, and devalue the victim, often using emotional manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, humiliation, and blame-shifting.

 - Example: The abuser tells the victim that they are worthless, stupid, or crazy, and that no one else would love them.

4. Submission and Resignation: Faced with constant criticism and abuse, the victim may begin to submit to the abuser's demands and resign themselves to the situation, feeling powerless to leave.

 - Example: The victim stops arguing with the abuser and starts to comply with their every demand, even if it goes against their own values or well-being.

5. Loss of Self and Self-Value. As the trauma bond deepens, the victim may experience a loss of self-identity and self-worth, becoming increasingly dependent on the abuser for validation.

- Example: The victim stops pursuing their own interests and goals, and their sense of self becomes entirely tied to the abuser's opinions and actions.

6. Emotional Dependence: In the final stage, the victim becomes emotionally dependent on the abuser, feeling unable to leave the relationship despite the ongoing abuse.

- Example: The victim feels like they cannot live without the abuser, even though the relationship is causing them immense pain and suffering.

When seeking help, it's essential to prioritize safety and confidentiality. If possible, reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide a safe and supportive environment to discuss your situation and explore options for leaving the abusive relationship.

What happens to your body when a person is trauma bonded?

Their body undergoes a series of physiological and psychological changes that can have long-lasting effects on their overall health and well-being. The chronic stress and emotional turmoil associated with trauma bonding can impact various systems in the body, leading to a range of physical and mental health consequences.

1. Nervous System Dysregulation:

   - Chronic exposure to abuse and trauma can lead to a dysregulated nervous system, causing the body to remain in a constant state of hyperarousal or hypervigilance.

   - This can manifest as increased heart rate, blood pressure, and cortisol levels, even when no immediate threat is present.

   - Over time, this chronic stress can lead to adrenal fatigue, weakened immune function, and an increased risk of developing anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

2. Hormonal Imbalances:

   - The intense emotional highs and lows associated with trauma bonding can disrupt the body's delicate hormonal balance.

   - Chronic stress can lead to an overproduction of cortisol, the body's primary stress hormone, which can suppress the immune system, disrupt sleep patterns, and contribute to weight gain and other metabolic issues.

   - Trauma bonding may also impact the production of neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin, which play a crucial role in regulating mood, motivation, and feelings of pleasure and reward.

3. Neurological Changes:

   - Trauma bonding can lead to changes in brain structure and function, particularly in areas associated with emotional regulation, decision-making, and memory.

   - Chronic exposure to abuse and trauma can cause the amygdala, the brain's fear center, to become overactive, leading to heightened emotional reactivity and an increased sensitivity to perceived threats.

   - The hippocampus, which plays a key role in memory formation and retrieval, may shrink in response to chronic stress, leading to difficulties with learning, memory, and emotional processing.

4. Physical Health Problems:

   - The chronic stress and emotional turmoil associated with trauma bonding can take a toll on the body, leading to a range of physical health problems.

   - This may include chronic pain, headaches, gastrointestinal issues, and a weakened immune system, making the individual more susceptible to illness and disease.

   - Trauma bonding may also contribute to the development of unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse, disordered eating, or self-harm, which can further compromise physical health.

5. Emotional and Psychological Distress:

   - Trauma bonding can have a profound impact on an individual's emotional and psychological well-being, leading to feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, and helplessness.

   - The constant cycle of abuse and intermittent reinforcement can create a sense of confusion and cognitive dissonance, making it difficult for the individual to trust their own perceptions and judgment.

   - This emotional distress can contribute to the development of mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, and complex PTSD, which can persist long after the abusive relationship has ended.

Healing from the physical and psychological impact of trauma bonding requires a comprehensive approach that addresses both the mind and the body. This may include trauma-informed therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), to help process traumatic experiences and develop healthy coping strategies.

Engaging in self-care practices, such as regular exercise, mindfulness, and stress-reduction techniques, can help regulate the nervous system and promote physical and emotional healing. Building a strong support network of friends, family, and professionals who understand the dynamics of trauma bonding can provide a sense of safety, validation, and encouragement throughout the healing process.

It's important to remember that healing from trauma bonding is a gradual and non-linear process, and setbacks are a normal part of the journey. With time, patience, and the right support, it is possible to break free from the cycle of abuse, reclaim a sense of self, and build a life of safety, self-worth, and emotional well-being.

Undoing Trauma Bonding and Breaking Free

1. Acknowledge the abuse: The first step in breaking free from a trauma bond is recognizing and acknowledging the abuse. This can be challenging, as the victim may have developed coping mechanisms that minimize or justify the abuser's behavior (Raypole, 2021).

2. Seek support: Reaching out to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist specializing in abusive relationships can provide a safe space to share experiences, gain perspective, and build a support network (Strickland, 2020).

3. Establish boundaries: Setting and enforcing clear boundaries is crucial in breaking the cycle of abuse. This may involve limiting contact with the abuser, refusing to engage in manipulative conversations, and prioritizing personal safety and well-being (Tull, 2021).

4. Practice self-care: Engaging in activities that promote physical, emotional, and mental well-being, such as exercise, mindfulness, and pursuing hobbies, can help rebuild self-esteem and foster a sense of independence (Raypole, 2021).

5. Develop a safety plan: If leaving an abusive relationship, it's essential to create a safety plan that includes steps for protecting oneself, such as securing financial resources, finding safe housing, and seeking legal assistance if necessary (NDVH, n.d.).

6. Seek trauma-informed therapy: Working with a therapist who specializes in trauma and abuse can help victims process their experiences, develop coping strategies, and rebuild a sense of self (Tull, 2021).

Breaking free from a trauma bond is a challenging but achievable process. By acknowledging the abuse, seeking support, establishing boundaries, practicing self-care, developing a safety plan, and engaging in trauma-informed therapy, victims can begin to heal, reclaim their sense of self, and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Resources for Understanding and Healing from Trauma Bonding:

Online Resources:

1. National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/

   - Provides 24/7 support, resources, and safety planning for individuals experiencing domestic violence and abuse.

2. RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): https://www.rainn.org/

   - Offers a national hotline, online chat, and resources for survivors of sexual violence and abuse.

3. Complex PTSD Foundation: https://cptsdfoundation.org/

   - Provides information, resources, and support for individuals with complex PTSD, often resulting from prolonged trauma or abuse.

4. Out of the Fog: https://outofthefog.website/

   - Offers information, resources, and support for individuals dealing with personality disorders, including narcissistic and borderline personality disorders, which are often associated with trauma bonding.

5. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network: https://www.nctsn.org/

   - Provides resources and information for children and families affected by trauma, including those related to abuse and neglect.

Books:

1. "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships" by Patrick Carnes

2. "Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror" by Judith Herman

3. "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk

4. "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft

5. "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond" by Patricia Evans

Therapy and Counseling:

1. Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT)

2. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)

3. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)

4. Somatic experiencing (SE)

5. Psychodynamic therapy

Community Resources:

1. Local domestic violence shelters and support groups

2. Community mental health centers

3. Women's centers and organizations

4. Victim advocacy programs

5. Religious or spiritual communities that offer support and guidance

Self-Care Practices:

1. Mindfulness and meditation

2. Yoga and gentle exercise

3. Journaling and expressive writing

4. Art therapy and creative outlets

5. Spending time in nature and engaging in hobbies

When seeking help, it's essential to find resources and support systems that resonate with your individual needs and experiences. Remember that healing is a process, and it's okay to take things one step at a time. Surround yourself with compassionate, empathetic, nonjudgemental people who validate your experiences and support your journey towards healing and self-discovery.

If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local emergency services or reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional for assistance. You deserve to be safe, respected, and supported, and there are people and resources available to help you break free from the cycle of trauma bonding and abuse.

References:

Here are some references to support the information provided about what happens to a person's body when they are trauma bonded:

1. van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books.

   - This book explores the physical and psychological impact of trauma, including how chronic stress and abuse can lead to changes in brain structure and function, as well as the development of various physical and mental health problems.

2. Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence--from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.

   - In this book, Herman discusses the complex dynamics of trauma, including the impact of prolonged abuse on an individual's sense of self, relationships, and overall well-being.

3. Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

   - Porges' polyvagal theory provides a framework for understanding how trauma and chronic stress can impact the autonomic nervous system, leading to a range of physiological and emotional challenges.

4. Dube, S. R., Felitti, V. J., Dong, M., Giles, W. H., & Anda, R. F. (2003). The impact of adverse childhood experiences on health problems: Evidence from four birth cohorts dating back to 1900. Preventive Medicine, 37(3), 268-277.

   - This study examines the long-term health consequences of adverse childhood experiences, including abuse and neglect, highlighting the link between early trauma and the development of various physical and mental health problems in adulthood.

5. Wolynn, M. (2016). It didn't start with you: How inherited family trauma shapes who we are and how to end the cycle. Penguin Books.

   - Wolynn explores the concept of intergenerational trauma, discussing how the impact of trauma can be passed down through families and contribute to the development of trauma bonds and other emotional challenges.

6. Bailey, H. N., DeOliveira, C. A., Wolfe, V. V., Evans, E. M., & Hartwick, C. (2012). The impact of childhood maltreatment history on parenting: A comparison of maltreatment types and assessment methods. Child Abuse & Neglect, 36(3), 236-246.

   - This study examines the impact of various types of childhood maltreatment on parenting practices, highlighting how trauma can contribute to intergenerational cycles of abuse and neglect.

7. Danese, A., & McEwen, B. S. (2012). Adverse childhood experiences, allostasis, allostatic load, and age-related disease. Physiology & Behavior, 106(1), 29-39.

   - Danese and McEwen discuss the concept of allostatic load, which refers to the cumulative physiological toll of chronic stress and trauma on the body, and how this can contribute to the development of various age-related diseases and health problems.

These references provide a scientific and clinical basis for understanding the complex physiological and psychological impact of trauma bonding, and how chronic stress and abuse can lead to a range of health consequences over time. They also highlight the importance of trauma-informed approaches to healing and recovery, which address both the mind and body in the context of an individual's unique experiences and needs.

Carbajosa, P., Catalá-Miñana, A., Lila, M., & Gracia, E. (2017). Differences in treatment adherence, program completion, and recidivism among batterer subtypes. The European Journal of Psychology Applied to Legal Context, 9(2), 93-101.

Carnes, P. (2019). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships. Health Communications, Inc.

Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105-120.

National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Path to safety. https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/

Raypole, C. (2021, July 23). Trauma bonding: What it is and how to avoid it. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

Samsel, M. (2022, January 12). Trauma bonding: What it is and how to recognize it. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/trauma-bonding-5185360

Schneider, A. (2018, October 11). Trauma bonding: Why it's so hard to leave an abusive relationship. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2018/10/trauma-bonding-why-its-so-hard-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship

Strickland, S. (2020, November 30). Healing from trauma bonding. GoodTherapy. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/healing-from-trauma-bonding-1123205

Stosny, S. (2021, January 7). Emotional abuse and trauma bonding. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/202101/emotional-abuse-and-trauma-bonding

Tull, M. (2021, November 3). How to break free from a trauma bond. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/breaking-free-from-a-trauma-bond-5205642

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