Can You Change a Narcissist?

by Jessica Anne Pressler, LCSW

With conviction, I say this: after working as a psychotherapist for almost 40 years, I will say, without a doubt, that you can never change another person—you can only change yourself. You can change how you see the other person, and when we're dealing with a narcissist, you need to accept that a narcissist will likely not choose to change. You can't love them enough, you can't fill that void, and please do not fall in love with their potential.

Who Is a Narcissist and Why Change Seems Impossible

A narcissist is someone with a profound inability to see beyond their own needs and desires. A person with narcissistic traits exists on a spectrum, but at its core, it involves a deeply ingrained pattern of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.

The narcissist builds their entire identity around an idealized self-image that must be maintained at all costs. This isn't simply vanity or selfishness—it's a fundamental structuring of their personality that serves as a defense mechanism against deeply buried feelings of inadequacy or shame.

Why can't narcissists change? The answer lies in the nature of their condition:

1. Lack of insight: Narcissists genuinely cannot see their behavior as problematic. In their minds, others are the problem.

2. Identity preservation: Their narcissistic traits aren't just behaviors—they're integral to their sense of self. Changing would mean dismantling their entire identity.

3. Secondary gain: Their manipulative behaviors often work for them, giving them the control, attention, or admiration they crave.

4. Pain avoidance: Real change would require facing painful truths about themselves that their narcissism developed to protect them from.

The Relationship Trap

In relationships with narcissists—whether they're our parents, friends, romantic partners, or colleagues—we often fall into a dangerous pattern. We believe if we just love them more, understand them better, or change ourselves enough, they'll finally reciprocate with genuine care and empathy.

This is a painful illusion.

I've watched countless clients exhaust themselves trying to change for narcissistic partners or family members. They twist themselves into emotional pretzels trying to find the magic formula that will transform the relationship. But all this effort only leads to one outcome: the slow erosion of their own sense of self.

The truth is, narcissists don't typically seek therapy of their own accord. When they do appear in my office, it's usually because someone important to them has threatened to leave, or because some external consequence has forced them to make a show of getting help. Even then, treatment is challenging because they're not genuinely motivated to change.

Can a Narcissist Ever Change?

In my four decades of practice, I have seen a small number of narcissists make small changes, but this is exceedingly rare and requires specific circumstances:

• A major life crisis that shatters their defenses

• Genuine willingness to engage in long-term therapy

• Capacity for introspection that most narcissists simply don't possess

• Acceptance that the process will be painful and challenging

Even in these rare cases, change is incremental and never results in a complete personality transformation. The narcissistic traits may become less destructive or better managed, but they don't disappear entirely.

Changing Your Perspective Instead

Since you cannot change the narcissist, what can you do? You can change yourself and your perspective:

1. Accept reality: The first step is accepting that the narcissist in your life is unlikely to change in any fundamental way. This isn't pessimism—it's realism that can free you from the cycle of hope and disappointment.

2. Set boundaries: Clear, consistent boundaries are essential. Narcissists will push against them but maintaining them is crucial for your wellbeing.

3. Detach emotionally: Learn to disengage from the narcissist's drama and manipulation. This doesn't mean you stop caring, but you stop allowing their emotions to control yours.

4. Build your support network: Surround yourself with healthy relationships that provide genuine validation and connection.

5. Consider the relationship viability: Sometimes, limited contact or no contact is the only healthy option, especially in non-familial relationships.

The Trap of Potential

One of the most heartbreaking patterns I see is people falling in love with a narcissist's potential rather than their reality. They glimpse moments of charm, intelligence, or even vulnerability, and convince themselves that these represent the "real person" beneath the narcissistic behavior.

Please hear me clearly: do not fall in love with potential. The glimpses of warmth or vulnerability you see in a narcissist are usually strategic, not indicative of a hidden, better self waiting to emerge. What you see is what you get, and expecting transformation will only lead to years of disappointment.

The Emotional Journey Before Acceptance

Before we discuss the path forward, it's important to acknowledge the profound emotional impact of trying to change a narcissist. This stage—before acceptance—is characterized by a distinct emotional pattern that I've witnessed hundreds of times in my practice:

1. Hope and determination: Initially, you believe that with enough love, patience, and understanding, the narcissist will recognize their behavior and change. This phase is fueled by optimism and determination.

2. Confusion and self-doubt: As your efforts fail to produce change, you begin questioning your approach, your understanding, and ultimately yourself. "Am I doing something wrong?" "Am I not explaining myself clearly enough?" "Maybe if I tried a different approach..."

3. Exhaustion and depletion: The constant emotional labor of managing the narcissist's reactions while suppressing your own needs leads to profound fatigue. Many clients describe feeling "hollowed out" or "like a shell of myself."

4. Guilt and shame: Paradoxically, the narcissist's behavior often triggers guilt in you—for not being able to help them, for considering your own needs, or for contemplating leaving the relationship.

5. Intermittent reinforcement trap: Occasional positive moments—when the narcissist temporarily seems to improve—create a powerful psychological hook similar to gambling addiction. These rare "wins" keep you invested despite the overwhelming pattern of losses.

6. Isolation: Gradually, you may withdraw from other relationships as your energy is consumed by the narcissistic dynamic, or because you're embarrassed by the situation, or because the narcissist has actively worked to isolate you.

7. Identity erosion: Perhaps most devastating is the gradual loss of your sense of self. Clients often report no longer knowing who they are outside of the narcissistic relationship.

This cycle doesn't just create unhappiness—it can fundamentally alter your neurochemistry, triggering trauma responses and creating patterns that persist even after the relationship ends.

Radical Acceptance: The Key to Freedom

After watching countless clients struggle with narcissistic relationships, I've found that radical acceptance is the pivotal turning point in healing. But what exactly is radical acceptance?

Radical acceptance is the complete and total acknowledgment of reality as it is—not as you wish it to be. Developed within Dialectical Behavior Therapy by Marsha Linehan, this concept has proven particularly powerful in addressing relationships with personality-disordered individuals.

With narcissists specifically, radical acceptance means fully embracing several difficult truths:

• The narcissist's behavior is not a phase or reaction but a stable personality structure

• Their limited capacity for empathy is not circumstantial but foundational

• Their needs will consistently take precedence over yours in their mind

• They are not holding back a "true self" that is empathetic and loving

• No amount of love, patience, explanation, or sacrifice on your part will fundamentally change them

What makes this acceptance "radical" is its absoluteness. It's not a reluctant acknowledgment with hidden hope that things might still change—it's a complete paradigm shift in how you view the relationship.

This isn't easy. The mind naturally resists such painful truths. Yet in my clinical experience, this acceptance is the essential foundation for healing.

The Transformation After Radical Acceptance

When clients finally achieve radical acceptance regarding a narcissist in their life, the transformation can be profound:

1. Emotional liberation: The endless cycle of hope and disappointment ends, freeing enormous emotional energy. Clients often describe this as "putting down a heavy weight I didn't even realize I was carrying."

2. Clarity of perception: Without the distortion of wishful thinking, you begin to see patterns clearly and can predict and prepare for the narcissist's behavior rather than being repeatedly surprised by it.

3. Reclaimed agency: Instead of reacting to the narcissist, you develop proactive strategies based on reality, not hope. This shift from reactivity to intentionality is empowering.

4. Boundary reinforcement: Acceptance strengthens your ability to create and maintain healthy boundaries without guilt or explanation.

5. Identity reclamation: As you stop adapting yourself to change the narcissist, you rediscover aspects of your identity that had been suppressed or forgotten.

6. Reduced self-blame: Understanding that the narcissist's behavior stems from their personality structure, not your inadequacies, diminishes self-criticism.

7. Realistic expectations: You stop expecting normal relationship dynamics from someone incapable of providing them, reducing constant disappointment.

8. Present-moment focus: Energy previously spent ruminating on past hurts or anxiously anticipating future problems becomes available for engaging with your present life.

Finding Your Path Forward

Whether you choose to maintain a relationship with a narcissist (with appropriate boundaries) or decide to distance yourself, the key is to focus on your own healing and growth. The energy you've been pouring into changing someone else can now be redirected toward building your own resilience, self-worth, and joy.

Remember that you deserve relationships characterized by mutual respect, empathy, and care. This isn't selfish—it's the foundation of human connection that we all need to thrive.

After decades of working with those affected by narcissistic relationships, I can tell you that the most profound healing begins when you stop trying to change the narcissist and start reclaiming your own life.

The answer to "Can you change a narcissist?" is no. But you can change your life, even with a narcissist in it, by changing yourself and your response to their behavior. And sometimes, that makes all the difference in the world.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596

Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. Random House.

Durvasula, R. (2019). "Don't You Know Who I Am?": How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—and Surprising Good—About Feeling Special. HarperCollins.

Northrup, C. (2018). Dodging Energy Vampires: An Empath's Guide to Evading Relationships That Drain You and Restoring Your Health and Power. Hay House.

Payson, E. (2002). The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family. Julian Day Publications.

Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. Free Press.

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

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