Can a Couple Heal, Even Thrive, after Infidelity?

By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW

To the person who was cheated on: The answer to that question is personal. It depends on the nature of the betrayal, our own childhood wounds, past experiences, coping mechanisms, ourTraitor Within, our expectation of what a marriage or a committed relationship is, pressure from family, friends, society,and religious institutions, finances, fear of being alone, children and more. It will depend on if you feel you participated in the reason why the marriage was vulnerable and how the person who committed infidelity responds and if he/she/they are willing to do what you need to feel safe again. You may not know these answers at first, and your feelings may be all over the place while you try. Be patient, both be patient... this process will likely take time.

I must stress that it is never the victim’s fault that their partner cheated. They always had a choice not to cheat. But it is important to acknowledge the couple’s dynamics while gaining insight why this betrayal occurred and how to repair their relationship. I will also stress that if you are in a relationship with a partner with high narcissistic traits, this process can be additionally painful and most likely not repair the relationship. They lack the empathy and compassion needed and they may blame you for what they did, and this process may cause additional wounds, or they may say and do what you need in the beginning and cheat again. Remember they come from a place of always needing narcissistic supply and lack empathy.

It is vital that the person that cheated takes responsibility for their actions. Ideally, the person that committed the betrayal should be able to express empathy toward their partner’s pain,express remorse that they cheated and that their actions causedpain and upset to their partner. It is also important that the victim be able to understand the upset their partner may have felt pain during their relationship and be able to provideempathy as well. Both partners need to be committed, have patience in the process, be kind to each other, listen to each other, let go of anger and be able to forgive.

There should be no pressure to stay after infidelity occurs in a relationship and I do not recommend staying with a person who is a serial cheater or a narcissist that cheats, as most lack empathy and many will cheat again. This blog is to help the couple who has the desire to stay together and improve their relationship.

Infidelity can cause intense emotional pain and turmoil in a relationship. It refers to the act of being unfaithful or disloyal to one's partner by engaging in sexual or romantic relationships with someone outside the committed partnership. Cheating can take many forms, including physical affairs, emotional affairs, and online relationships.

Despite the pain it causes, infidelity is unfortunately a prevalent issue today. According to statistics from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, 15% of wives and 25% of husbands report having engaged in extramarital sex at some point in their marriage. These numbers may be even higher when considering emotional or cyber infidelity and shame in reporting. This means that infidelity is a problem that affects many relationships, and those who have experienced it are not alone.

Dealing with the aftermath of infidelity can be incredibly difficult. It can cause intense feelings of betrayal, anger, shame, and self-doubt for both partners. The hurt partner may struggle with trust issues and fear of being hurt again, while the unfaithful partner may experience guilt and remorse. In some cases, the relationship may end due to irreparable damage caused by the infidelity. However, if both partners are committed to healing and working through the issue, it is possible for a relationship to survive infidelity.

One way to heal from infidelity is through therapy. Couples therapy can help partners to address the underlying issues that may have contributed to the infidelity, such as communication problems or unmet emotional needs. It also provides a safe space for both partners to express their feelings and work towards rebuilding trust and intimacy in the relationship. Individual therapy can also be beneficial for those who have been betrayed, as it allows them to process their emotions, regain self-esteem, and learn healthy coping mechanisms. Therapy can also provide guidance on how to move forward as a couple or as individuals, whether that be repairing the relationship or choosing to separate. I do not recommend going to couples therapy with a partner with high narcissistic traitsunless the therapist understands the narcissist and the manipulation that may occur in therapy otherwise therapy may not be a safe place for the person who was cheated on and theymay be revictimized by their partner and the therapist.

Healing from infidelity is not an easy process, and it takes time. It requires open communication, honesty, and dedication from both partners. It may involve difficult conversations and facing uncomfortable emotions, but with patience and effort, it is possible to rebuild a stronger and healthier relationship. Seeking professional help through therapy can provide valuable support and guidance during this challenging time. Remember that recovering from infidelity is a journey, but with commitment and hard work, it is possible to overcome this obstacle and emerge stronger as individuals and as a couple. So don't be afraid to reach out for help and support because you do not have to go through this alone. There are resources available such as therapy, support groups, and online communities that can provide understanding and guidance on the road to recovery.

After an affair, many couples struggle with how to repair their relationship. It can be a difficult and emotionally charged time, but there are steps you can take to work towards healing and rebuilding trust.

First, it's important for both partners to be committed to repairing the relationship. This means being willing to communicate openly and honestly about what happened, taking responsibility for any mistakes made, and being patient and understanding with each other. Both partners should also be willing to seek outside help if needed, such as through couples therapy or a support group.

Next, it's crucial for the partner who had the affair to take responsibility for their actions. This means being honest about why the affair happened and showing genuine remorse. It may also involve making amends, such as ending contact with the other person and being willing to answer any questions or provide reassurance when needed. It's important for the partner who had the affair to be patient and understanding with their partner, as rebuilding trust takes time.

On the other hand, it's important for the partner who was betrayed to be willing to forgive, with an understanding thistakes time and patience. This doesn't mean forgetting what happened or excusing the behavior, but rather choosing to let go of resentment and anger in order to move forward. It can also be helpful for both partners to address any underlying issues in the relationship that may have contributed to the affair, such as communication problems or unmet needs.

Communication is key in the healing process. This involves being open and honest with each other, sharing feelings and concerns, and actively listening to each other's perspective without judgment or defensiveness. It can also be helpful for both partners to express appreciation for one another and make an effort to prioritize their relationship and do things together like dating.

Restoring sexual intimacy after an affair is personal to the couple. There are all sorts of feelings on both sides. They both may be feeling pressure to become intimate in order to hold onto their relationship or proving to their partner that they are committed to restoring and even making their relationship better than it was before the affair. The person that had the affair may push for sex to prove to their partner that they love and desire their partner and committed to this relationship and the person that was cheated on may feel sex is a way to hold onto their partner to prove their value and make sure that the affair partner is no longer on their mind. It is important not to rush physical intimacy or use it as a way to hold onto the relationship instead focus on reestablishing emotional intimacy and trust before and sexual intimacy, which ideally will come naturally.

If attempted too soon, it is possible that the person that had the affair may be feeling so much guilt and shame or grief at the loss of the other relationship, that they are unable to perform, which may make the person who was cheated on insecure, angry, and hopeless. On the other hand, the person that was cheated on may be too hurt and angry to feel sexual and the person who cheated may become frustrated that the relationship is hopeless and not want to try anymore. Establishing emotional intimacy first, then nonsexual touch before sexual intimacygives the couple the best chance to build a healthy loving relationship.

Rebuilding trust takes time and effort, but it is possible. It's important for both partners to be patient with each other and understand that healing may not happen overnight. There may also be setbacks along the way, but as long as both partners are committed to working through them, the relationship can become stronger and more resilient. Remember to be kind and gentle with each other, and don't hesitate to seek outside help if needed. With dedication and effort, it is possible to repair a relationship after an affair. So, take the necessary steps, communicate openly and honestly, and have faith that your relationship can heal. Let this experience bring you closer together rather than tear you apart. Please do not blame yourself for your partners actions. You may be feeling insecure and question your own self-worth, even your attractiveness, but please remember you did not cause them to cheat, and you are not responsible for what your partner did.

Lastly, it's important for both partners to continue to prioritize their relationship and try to keep the lines of communication open. This means being willing to address any issues that may arise in the future and not sweeping them under the rug. It also involves making time for each other, whether it's through date nights or simply checking in with each other regularly. Remembering why you fell in love and continuing to work towards a strong and healthy relationship can help prevent future issues and maintain a strong connection between partners.

In conclusion, while repairing a relationship after an affair may not be easy, it is possible with commitment and effort from both partners. By communicating openly, taking responsibility for actions, seeking outside help if needed, and continuing to prioritize the relationship, trust can be rebuilt, and a stronger connection can be formed. Remember that healing takes time and patience, but your relationship is worth the work. So don't give up hope and have faith that together you can overcome this obstacle and come out even stronger on the other side. Remember to be kind and understanding towards each other, as healing is a process for both partners. With dedication and love, your relationship can survive and thrive after an affair. So, keep working on it, one day at a time, and trust in the resilience of your love. Your relationship may come out even better than before.

Please remember that while being cheated on may bring intense pain and betrayal, it can also be an opportunity for growth and rebuilding. Trust takes time to rebuild, but with dedication from both partners, it is possible to move forward in a positive direction. Keep communicating, keep working on the underlying issues in your relationship, and never lose sight of why you fell in love. Your relationship is worth fighting for! Let this experience make your bond even stronger than before. Remember that you are not alone - seek support from trusted friends or professionals if needed - and have faith in each other as you navigate through this difficult time.

Dealing with infidelity can be a difficult and isolating experience. However, it is important to remember that you are not alone and there are resources available to help you navigate this challenging time. Whether you choose to seek support from online communities, therapists, or mobile apps, know that there is hope for healing and rebuilding trust in your relationship. Remember to take care of yourself and reach out for help when needed. So, if needed go through these lists of resources for support after infidelity for guidance, advice, and emotional support. No one deserves to go through infidelity alone, and with the help of these resources, you can find the support you need to heal and move forward.

*Next blog is “After the Affair, Healing Alone”

Resources for Support After Infidelity

Infidelity can be a traumatic experience that can have a long-lasting impact on individuals and relationships. It is important to seek support during this difficult time, whether you are the one who has been unfaithful or the one who has been betrayed. While talking to friends and family can provide some level of comfort, it is also helpful to seek support from professionals who have expertise in dealing with infidelity. Here are some online resources that can offer guidance, advice, and support for those affected by infidelity.

Websites

• Beyond Affairs Network (BAN): BAN is a non-profit organization that provides support and resources for individuals dealing with infidelity. Their website offers articles, forums, and online support groups for people grappling with the aftermath of infidelity. They also have a directory of therapists who specialize in infidelity counseling.

• Affair Recovery: This website offers resources and tools for those affected by infidelity. They have online courses, videos, articles, and an active community forum where individuals can share their experiences and seek advice from others who have gone through similar situations. They also offer virtual counseling services for couples and individuals.

• Surviving Infidelity: Surviving Infidelity is a popular online support community that provides a safe space for individuals to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences related to infidelity. The website also offers articles, forums, and chat rooms where members can connect with others who are going through similar circumstances. They have a section specifically for betrayed spouses, as well as a section for unfaithful partners seeking support.

• The Gottman Institute: Founded by renowned couples therapists Drs. John and Julie Gottman, The Gottman Institute offers resources and tools to help couples build and maintain healthy relationships. Their website has articles, videos, online courses, and live workshops that can be useful for couples seeking to rebuild trust after infidelity. They also have a directory of certified therapists who specialize in infidelity counseling.

• Psychology Today: This website has a comprehensive directory of therapists, psychologists, and counselors across the United States. You can search for professionals in your area and filter by specialty, including infidelity counseling. Each listing provides contact information, as well as a brief overview of the therapist's approach and areas of expertise.

Hotlines and Helplines

• **National Suicide Prevention Lifeline**: If you are feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, or have thoughts of suicide due to infidelity, reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). They offer free and confidential support 24/7.

• **National Domestic Violence Hotline**: Infidelity can sometimes be a form of emotional abuse that escalates into physical violence. If you are concerned about your safety or the safety of your children, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They provide support, resources, and guidance for individuals experiencing domestic violence.

• The Infidelity Help Group Hotline: The Infidelity Help Group offers a free and confidential hotline for individuals seeking support and guidance after infidelity. You can call them at 1-888-403-8645 to speak with a trained counselor who can provide emotional support and referrals to resources in your area.

Mobile Apps

• After the Affair: Developed by renowned psychologist Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, this app offers tools and exercises to help couples rebuild trust and intimacy after infidelity. It includes a daily tracker to help you monitor your progress and provides tips on how to communicate effectively with your partner. The app is available for download on both iOS and Android devices.

• Our Cheating Hearts: This app, created by Dr. Tammy Nelson, is designed to help individuals navigate the complex emotions associated with infidelity. It offers exercises, journaling prompts, and resources to help you gain insight into your feelings and move forward in a healthy way. The app also has an anonymous forum where users can connect with others who are going through similar situations. It is available for download on both iOS and Android devices.

References

• Beyond Affairs Network (BAN). (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.beyondaffairs.com/

• Affair Recovery. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.affairrecovery.com/

• Surviving Infidelity. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/

• The Gottman Institute. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/

• Psychology Today. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

• National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.thehotline.org/

• The Infidelity Help Group. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://infidelityhelpgroup.com/

• After the Affair. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.tammylaber.com/after-the-affair-app.html

• Our Cheating Hearts. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.tammynelsonrelationshiprecovery.com/app/

DISCLAIMER:

This blog is ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, or determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.  

Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider.

Call 911 if there is an emergency.

Call or text 988, which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,

Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed.

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