There has been increasing attention paid in the general media to the personality type the narcissist. What’s primarily presented is the overt narcissist, who can be identified as arrogant, lacking empathy, aggressive, self-aggrandizing, having extreme delusions of grandeur, and obvious need for attention and compliments. Unfortunately, recognizing that dangerous personality doesn’t end there. The covert narcissist is less obvious and may be more difficult to recognize at first. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. The covert narcissist craves admiration and importance and lacks empathy, but they do so in more subtle ways. They are prone to feelings of neglect, hypersensitivity, anxiety, and delusions of persecution. They both behave the same way and are dangerous to others, except a covert narcissist does so in less overt ways. Despite my insight and training I was entrapped. Trapped by carrots, breadcrumbs and my Traitor Within.

Just the smallest crumb of affection was all it took for me to feel secure and wanted. It was like a drug entering my veins, flowing through my body, causing me to relax and feel loved. Just like that. And when I say the smallest amount … I mean I was starved. It was a spoonful of chocolate and vanilla twist after not eating for days. 

 Funny thing though, despite all the times he withheld his love, his time, and his attention, I still hung on to the crumbs that he sprinkled, and the carrots that were dangled in front of me. It was like my body remembered only the high of feeling loved and wanted, something that happened during the first year we were together. I truly believed I could get that back. 

He did not love bomb in the traditional sense. Our first few months were not intense, and all-consuming, as most narcissists relationships are in the beginning. He didn’t blast me with non-stop compliments, expensive gifts, and future faking. For the first year he was consistent, kind, affectionate, fun, and seemed to love including me in all his social, family and work events. He appeared to be proud of me, love me and loved to be with me.

In retrospect, there were a few red flags during that first year that caused pause, but ones I quickly explained away. I had been in such drama producing, crazy making, toxic relationships before, I welcomed this one that appeared calm, steady, and comfortable and “normal.” Afterall, no relationship is perfect. 

Then he became distant, passive aggressive and emotionally abusive. It was so confusing. I had not changed. I could not figure out what I did to cause his indifference, and cruelty, except pointing out his indifference and cruelty, and the pain I felt from it. He withheld intimacy, affection, and attention.He dangled carrots and occasional rewards, in an unpredictable pattern, blaming me always for all failures to the relationship. I often felt like I was being punished and his love conditional, although the conditions I did not always understand. The more I expressed my feelings the worse he treated me. This cycle went on for many painful years. I had no pride. I begged for more time together but was told I was too sensitive, wanted too much and was responsible for the dysfunction in our relationship. I found it hard to give up and tried again and again. I felt addicted. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t leave. 

So why would I stay in a relationship that caused so much pain? Excellent question- because it does not appear logical. The reasons are complex, and the full understanding of narcissistic relationships is in evolution. Part of the process may include Trauma Bounding.

What is trauma bounding? It is a powerful, emotional connection between an abused victim and their abuser. The abuse can be physical or emotional and can occur with romantic relationships, friendships, and family. Trauma bounds are addictive and alter our brain chemistry. Being addicted to a toxic relationship appears to be physiologically similar to being addicted to a drug. Recent studies have shown that the same parts of the brain – the amygdala, the thalamus and frontal cortex seem to be actively involved in both. The activity of the neurotransmitters, such as dopamine, Substance P, and norepinephrine are active in patterns similar with chemical and emotional addiction. Therefore, people involved in trauma bounding can appear to act like drug addicts. The drug isn’t a narcotic, instead it is the brain’s response to the emotional manipulation. (Ref; The dark side of emotion; The addiction perspective, George F. Koob European Journal of Pharmacology 753 (2015) 73-87)

Trauma bounding is created by periods of extreme emotional and physical tension followed by periods of calm and even good times with the abuser. An emotional roller-coaster. Even a crumb may feel amazing, as it did for me and gave me hope that he may still love me. A crumb for me could have been an unexpected phone call during the day just to chat.

What are some of the signs of trauma bounding?

-The victim’s dependence on the abuser, feeling they need them to function. 

-The victim believes the abuser when they are told that they (victim) are responsible for their own pain and suffering, the toxic situation, and the difficulty in their relationship. 

-The victim agrees with the abuser when they are told it is their fault that the abuser treats them the way they do. They deserve it. 

-The victim believes even the smallest sign, such as a crumb, or dangling carrots gives hope.

-The victim tries to cover for the abuser and does not tell anyone what is happening.

-The victim is co-dependent on the abuser for their emotional needs.

-The abuser gaslights the victim. 

-The victim is scared to leave the relationship.

-The victim feels like the abuser is the only person who can meet their needs.

-The victim blames themselves for making the abuser angry.

-The victim not wanting to leave even if they don’t like their partner.

-The victim ignores red flags and focuses only on the good moments.

-The victim keeps the abuse a secret.

-The victim feels paralyzed, and they can’t escape.

What are the stages of trauma bounding? (With acceptations.)

​Stage 1. The Narcissist rewards you and expects nothing in return. The Narcissist focuses primarily on getting their victim during courtship, and often uses Love bombing: (You may be showered with what feels like love, validation, and gifts.)

​Stage 2. The Narcissist feels more secure with you. He continues to provide positive attention but now he does so to reward behavior that pleases him.

​Stage 3. Then when the Narcissist feels you trust him and are dependent on him, they may become controlling, critical, and put you down, sometimes in public. There are still good moments but the bad is beginning to outweigh the good. This is intermittent reinforcement. 

​Stage 4. The Narcissist may use Gaslighting. This is when they do or say things that make you question your own sanity. They may do so by denying facts, and feelings causing the victim to question their own perceptions and sanity. They purposely mislead the victim into second guessing their memories and may leave them feeling confused and concerned that something may be wrong with them.

​Stage 5. The Narcissist has control.

​Stage 6. The victim is feeling addicted to their approval and terrified to lose them. You are trauma bounded to them. 

​*If you try to leave and they still want you around they may try the tactic Hoovering (sucking you back in.) An example of this is: Sending a text to tell you they love you and miss you, that they have changed, and apologize. You feel wanted and believe them and may get sucked back in. If you do… the cycle of abuse will likely begin again.

You must create boundaries with the Narcissist. Their manipulation will interfere in your ability to heal.  

Please see a therapist, talk to friends, join a support group, write in a journal, read and listen to podcasts about abuse to educate yourself and know you are not alone. With distance and support you will heal. I know, I did, and you can too. 

*The National Domestic Violence Hotline: (24/7.) 1-800-799-7233 or text LOVEIS to 22522.