There have been surprises along the way. Situations and events that have happened in my life that I think to myself… if only I was better prepared… Just today I glanced at my toes and noticed they have wrinkles on them. No one told me that toes get wrinkles. What’s next? Why didn’t someone tell me to use sunscreen on my feet! Are there products out there to moisturize and cover foot wrinkles? Does this mean no more flip-flops? Wait…. maybe I shall embrace my wrinkles…UGG…...

Thankfully there was sex-ed to prepare me, although I can’t remember if I got my period before or after I took it. I do remember not telling my mother for months, sneaking into her Tampax box, reading the directions, and successfully inserting it. Then when I finally told her one afternoon, I begged her not to tell anyone and by dinner, my dad said “congratulations!” I wasn’t prepared for that.

We face new every day. I remember watching my babies see the world for the first time. Taking such delight as I gaze at what they stared at. The incredible feeling of shared discovery as they look at the chandelier. I sing… ”light, Can you say light?” No one prepared me for the maternal love I felt when we shared this bond, and every moment before that and after.. that intense, unconditional love only gets stronger… even now…. This love has no bounds. Even the good is painful…in a good way… OK… no one prepared me for that.

I also wasn’t prepared to trust my instincts and I wasn’t prepared to distrust others. I was taught to ignore red flags, to repress events that felt wrong, and to always put on a happy face and “carry on” no matter what. This was the female mantra taught to me. I was prepared to “handle” dysfunction... but at what cost?

I didn’t have the tools in my toolbox needed to prevent or leave a dysfunctional relationship. When I felt something was wrong with my relationships, I either made excuses for it, tried to fix it, ignored, and repressed it, or blamed myself. Rarely did I think of leaving. And if I did it was an impulsive moment in the midst of the chaos that I soon buried. I would then “carry on.” A phrase my mother used often. So, I guess my choices were limited to broken or dysfunctional tools.

I wish my box had:

• Trust your instincts. If it feels wrong, it’s wrong. Talk to trusted friends and listen.

• Not every relationship will work. You can’t fix everything.

• Leaving is not failure. Failure is OK.

• Don’t fall in love with potential. Know the signs of a narcissist.

• Feel.

• I believe you.

• Love yourself.

• Nurture yourself.

• Be kind to yourself.

• Know yourself.

• Not everyone has your best interests(this is still hard for me to believe let alone write just now.)

• You are not supposed to be living in chaos all the time. It is possible to be in a relationship of peace where you can be yourself and the other (friend, romantic partner, etc) will love you, for you. It is NOT ok to be abused in any way.

Maybe if I was better prepared with healthier tools, I would have made better choices for myself.

I hope I can help others do so with this, other blogs and the book.

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Please seek consultation by appropriate healthcare provider. Call 911 if emergency. Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed.

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