The Invisible Scars: Growing Up with Alcoholic Parents
by Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW
Children of Alcoholics - A Childhood Lost
Growing up with an alcoholic parent is like living in a house built on shifting sands. Every day brings new challenges, new fears, and new disappointments. As a child, you learn to navigate a world where the person who should be your protector and guide is often unpredictable, unreliable, and sometimes even dangerous.
The constant state of uncertainty becomes your normal. You never know what version of your parent you'll encounter when you come home from school. Will it be the loving, attentive parent you desperately crave, or the angry, volatile stranger that alcohol transforms them into? This unpredictability breeds anxiety, making it difficult to feel safe or secure in your own home.
Many children of alcoholics become expert secret-keepers. They learn to hide their parent's addiction from the outside world, often taking on adult responsibilities far beyond their years. They might become the de facto caretaker for younger siblings, or the family peacekeeper, always on alert to diffuse tense situations before they escalate.
The emotional toll is immense. Feelings of shame, guilt, and inadequacy are common. Children often blame themselves for their parent's drinking, thinking if only they were better behaved, smarter, or more helpful, maybe their parent wouldn't need to drink. This misplaced guilt can lead to low self-esteem and a distorted sense of self-worth that can persist well into adulthood.
Perhaps most heartbreaking is the loss of childhood innocence. While their peers are enjoying carefree days, children of alcoholics are often burdened with adult worries and responsibilities. They may miss out on social activities, struggle in school due to lack of support at home, or experience neglect of their basic needs.
Despite these challenges, many children of alcoholics display remarkable resilience. They develop coping mechanisms and survival skills that, while necessary in their chaotic home environment, can sometimes hinder them in adulthood if not addressed.
Adults Who Grew Up with Alcoholic Parents - Healing the Inner Child
The impact of growing up with an alcoholic parent doesn't magically disappear when one reaches adulthood. The coping mechanisms and survival skills learned in childhood often persist, shaping relationships, career choices, and overall life satisfaction.
Many adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) struggle with intimacy and trust. Having learned from an early age that those closest to them can be unreliable and hurtful, they may find it difficult to form deep, meaningful connections with others. They might oscillate between clinging desperately to relationships out of fear of abandonment or avoiding close relationships altogether to protect themselves from potential hurt.
Control issues are common among ACOAs. Having grown up in an environment where chaos reigned, many develop an intense need for control in their adult lives. This can manifest in perfectionism, difficulty delegating tasks, or anxiety when things don't go according to plan.
Addiction is another concern. ACOAs are statistically more likely to struggle with substance abuse themselves, either due to genetic predisposition or as a learned coping mechanism.
Many ACOAs also grapple with a deep-seated fear of failure or success. The inconsistent parenting and lack of positive reinforcement in childhood can lead to self-doubt and imposter syndrome in adulthood. Paradoxically, some ACOAs may sabotage their own success, subconsciously believing they don't deserve happiness or achievement.
However, it's crucial to note that the story doesn't end here. With awareness, support, and often professional help, ACOAs can heal and thrive. Many find solace and understanding in support groups like Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics. Therapy can be instrumental in processing childhood trauma and developing healthier coping mechanisms.
The journey of an ACOA is one of rediscovery - learning to trust, to love, to set boundaries, and to believe in oneself. It's about reparenting that inner child who missed out on so much, and creating the stable, loving environment they always craved.
While the scars of growing up with an alcoholic parent may never fully fade, they can become a source of strength and resilience. Many ACOAs, through their healing journey, develop deep empathy, strong interpersonal skills, and a profound appreciation for life's joys - big and small.
The path to healing is not easy, but it is possible. For every ACOA out there still struggling, know this: your past does not define you. You are worthy of love, happiness, and success. The strength that got you through your childhood can now be channeled into creating the life you've always deserved.
Here's a list of resources for children of alcoholics and adult children of alcoholics, including hotlines, websites, phone numbers, and emails where available:
1. National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACoA)
Website: https://nacoa.org/
Phone: 1-888-554-2627
Email: nacoa@nacoa.org
2. Al-Anon/Alateen
Website: https://al-anon.org/
Phone: 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666)
Email: wso@al-anon.org
3. Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) World Service Organization
Website: https://adultchildren.org/
Phone: 1-310-534-1815
Email: info@adultchildren.org
4. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline
Website: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
Phone: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
5. National Association of Addiction Treatment Providers
Website: https://www.naatp.org/
Phone: 1-888-574-1008
Email: info@naatp.org
6. Children of Addicted Parents and People (COAP)
Website: https://www.coap.org.uk/
(UK-based, but offers online resources)
7. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
Website: https://www.aa.org/
Phone: 1-212-870-3400
8. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA)
Website: https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/
Phone: 1-301-443-3860
9. Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation
Website: https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/
Phone: 1-866-831-5700
10. Families Anonymous
Website: https://www.familiesanonymous.org/
Phone: 1-800-736-9805
Email: famanon@familiesanonymous.org
11. CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous)
Website: https://coda.org/
Phone: 1-888-444-2359
Email: outreach@coda.org
12. National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (NCADD)
Website: https://www.ncadd.org/
Phone: 1-800-622-2255
Remember, if you're in immediate danger or experiencing a crisis, always call your local emergency services or 911 or 988 for suicide and crisis hotline. These resources are here to provide support, information, and guidance for both children and adults affected by parental alcoholism.
DISCLAIMER:
The contents of this website; blog, video, articles, media, social media, book, and references, are ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, or determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.
Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider.
Call 911 if there is an emergency.
Call or text 988, which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,
Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed.
Looking at, reading, listening to any information on my website, social media, YouTube, or book, and communicating with me by email or any other communication with me, you acknowledge and agree that we do not have a professional/client relationship. Use of this site and information associated with this site is solely at the visitor’s own risk.
