By Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW

A victim may not be aware that narcissistic abuse is occurring. 
1. When a person is in a relationship with a narcissist, they may not recognize the hidden signs of abuse. That is why education on who a narcissist is, is so important.

2. They may not recognize that they are in a relationship with a narcissist. 

3. They may not recognize that they have a romantic partner, sibling, parent, child, coworker, or friend who is a narcissist. 

4. They may feel narcissistic behavior is “normal” and may be similar to what they experienced in childhood or previous relationships.

5. The narcissist will abuse their victim privately and act differently in public. The victim does not get the validation and support that could have helped them recognize the abuse.

6. The victim may have trouble imagining that anyone would try to hurt them on purpose because they would never imagine doing so to another person. If they love the narcissist and need to believe the narcissist loves them or loved them, this belief may even be more substantial.

The victim may:

1. Have physical symptoms due to hidden abuse, such as chronic pain, neck pain, back pain, stomach aches, digestive issues, heart palpitations, headaches, chronic illness, weight gain, weight loss, nausea, self-medicating by drugs and alcohol, sleep issues, brain fog, forgetfulness, exhaustion, long-term physical effects on your body and more.

2. Experience CPTSD; symptoms include feeling worthless, shame, guilt, difficulty regulating emotions, and relationship difficulties triggered by past trauma and chronic anxiety that puts a person in a chronic fight, freeze, fawn, or flight mode and losing themselves.

3. Blame themselves for the narcissist’s behavior and become exhausted trying to please the narcissist, fix the relationship, and return to the happy times they shared.

4. Feel confusion, diminished self-esteem, anxiety, depression, rumination, thinking of ways to make the narcissist happy and make the relationship better, dissociation, anger, resentment, irritability, emotional pain, trauma, worthless, and more.

5. Feel lonely, isolated, shameful, and embarrassed. They feel it’s all the victim’s fault or realize it is not, but feel shame because they allowed themselves to be abused. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Read my blogs or watch my YouTube videos on cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding, and love bonding, and other tactics narcissists use. 

6. Walk on eggshells, have difficulty concentrating, feel self-doubt, self-blame, grief, helplessness, hopelessness, powerless, and suicidal. 

7. Feel cognitive dissonance, such as clinging onto the narcissist even if part of them knowsthat the narcissist is incapable of the love, compassion, and empathy the victim longs for. The victim rationalizes and justifies the abusive behavior allowing them to stay in the relationship because leaving feels less safe.  

What are examples of hidden narcissistic abuse? The narcissist will manipulate their victim to provide narcissistic supply. They will use...

1. Gaslighting. The victim will question themselves, their memory, and their sanity. The abuser is purposely distorting the victim’s perception of reality. The narcissist wants the victim to feel like they are losing their mind. The victim may wonder, “Am I imagining things? I am not sure what is real and what is not? Is it me?” 

2. Projection, deflecting, denying, and lying. A person who is intelligent, confident, and successful in work and friendships can become shaken by this abuse. The hidden abuse can destroy anyone’s self-confidence. People “lose themselves.”

3. Trauma bonding. Intermittent positive reinforcement. Love bombing, followed by trust and dependency, followed by criticism, followed by manipulation and gaslighting, followed by loss of self, followed by addiction to the cycle. This hot and cold behavior can cause the victim to need validation from the abuser giving them more power to manipulate. It is a vicious cycle and often done on purpose and difficult for the victim to get out of. I felt like an addict searching for that first high.

4. Withholding and moody. The victim finds they are often walking on eggshells and their moods are dependent on the narcissist’s moods.

5. No boundaries regarding the victim’s personal space. Victims are the narcissist’s possession, so the narcissist feels they can do whatever they want to them to meet their needs.

6. Jealousy and accusations, often the victim is doing nothing to warrant this, and sometimes it is a projection of the narcissist. 

7. The narcissist will try to get a reaction out of you. They use hidden abuse to cause the victim to react in public and then point to the victim as the “crazy one.”

8. Silent treatment and other punishing behavior. If the abuser knows the victim fears abandonment and they use the silent treatment, withdraw their “love,” take away promised time, and not answer calls and texts on purpose to hurt the victim, that is abuse. 

9. Putting someone down for expressing their feelings:

10. Blaming another person for their actions:

11. Not listening when someone is trying to talk to them: The victim feels they do not matter.

12. Using another person’s vulnerabilities against them:

13. Backhanded compliments:

14. Intermittent positive reinforcement: such as love bombing, then tearing the victim down, creating trauma bonding.

15. Shamming someone when they express their feelings and show their vulnerabilities:

16. Conditional “love.”

17. The narcissist wants the victim to feel they could leave anytime. So, the victim is always trying to please the narcissist and is often walks on eggshells in fear.

18. Dismissiveness

19. Be controlling and isolating and will say they are acting this way because they are to protect you.

It often takes distance and education on narcissistic abuse for someone to understand what abuse has occurred in their relationships. In addition, writing in a journal, telling their story to others, and getting help from mental health professionals can also assist in healing. Please do not blame yourself for being a victim. A narcissist can manipulate and abuse anyone by slowly breaking them down with their tactics. No one is immune from their abuse and manipulations. I have been a psychotherapist since 1988, and I was not immune. They can be “master manipulators,” and their victim comes to the relationship with their vulnerabilities which a narcissist will use. Because they lack empathy, and their goal is narcissistic supply, there are no limits.

UNDERSTANDING A NARCISSIST CAN SET YOU FREE FROM BEING MANIPULATED. 

YOU CAN CHANGE!  THEY WILL MOST LIKELY NOT CHANGE!

NARCISSISTIC PATTERNS DO NOT CHANGE!

HOW A NARCISSIST TREATS YOU IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

THEY DO WHAT THEY DO TO GET NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY. EVERY ACTION REVOLVES AROUND THEIR NEEDS, AND AS AN ADDICT WILL DO WHATEVER THEY CAN TO GET THEIR HIGH, SO WILL A NARCISSIST. 

A NARCISSIST WILL PURPOSELY GET YOU TO SHARE YOUR VULNERABILTIES AND USE THEM AGAINST YOU. 

***PLEASE REFER TO PREVIOUS BLOGS ON MY WEBSITE (JESSICAANNEPRESSLER.COM,) WHICH WILL PROVIDE DEFINITIONS AND DETAILED EXPLANATIONS ON MANY OF THE TERMS USED IN THIS BLOG. I ALSO HAVE YOUTUBE VIDEOS ON THESE SUBJECTS AT JESSICA ANNEPRESSLER.

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The contents of this website; blog, video, articles, media, book, and references, are ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, or determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.  

Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider. 

Call 911 if there is an emergency. 

Call or text 988, which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,

Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. 

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