by Jessica Anne Pressler LCSW

Breakups are often painful, and when infidelity is involved,devastating. The betrayal, loss and hurt can leave you feeling lost, heartbroken, and alone. Your very sense of reality is now in question. What you thought was real may not be. The person you trusted with your heart has done the unthinkable and you may feel you could never trust anyone again. Those early days, after the deception is reveled, you may find yourself in a state of shock, and confusion. You may find yourself ruminating, going over every day you spent with this person, looking for clues of this deception and other deceptions. You may find yourself trying the figure out when everything changed. You may realize that were gaslighted, lied to, and used as an excuse for their betrayal. You may blame yourself for missing red flags and contemplate what you could have done to change the outcome.You may even blame yourself for what they did. Do not blame yourself. It is not your fault. This was a choice they made. You may have empathy toward the many reasons that drove them to make this choice such as their childhood wounds, but that does not mean what they did to you was okay.

Some choose to stay and heal as a couple, and some choose to end their relationship and heal. See previous blog, “Can a Couple Heal, Even Thrive, After Infidelity?” This blog focuses on healing after the relationship breaks up, although both blogs can help.

Please do not let your partner’s betrayal define you, nor the entire relationship. It is an important chapter in your story, but it is not your whole story.

Be Mindful of Your Feelings

The first step towards healing is recognizing and accepting how you feel. All feelings are valid. You may find yourself feeling differently from moment to moment. You may feel shocked, angry, sad, confused, shameful, embarrassed, and even numb. You may feel validated and relieved when you finally understand why their behavior and feelings toward you changed. You may now understand why you felt so crazy and confused. You may have needed the infidelity as a reason to leave an unhappy relationship. You may feel relieved they made thechoice to leave so you did not have to. But even with relief, you may still feel abandoned, grief and loneliness.

You may be acting only on your emotions, which is understandable, but not always good for you. You may be triggered as this act may trigger childhood and adult wounds such as fear of abandonment or feeling unworthy. You may kick your partner out one day and beg them back the next and when I say begging I mean on the floor holding their feet begging for them to return and promising that you will never bring up the cheating again. You may be yelling what happened from the roof top one minute and the next wanting to bury the truth and go on like nothing happened the next. You may become Sherlock Holmes overnight, turning your home upside down, following your partner and asking their friends and family questions about them and begging for their help to make your partner return and be faithful to you. You may find yourself losing control as you’re the world you knew crumbles around you. You may not recognize you...during this early stage. You may say and do things that you are not proud of. You may feel shame for how you responded, and for what happened to your family. You may want to never see them again, but because you have children together you may be forced to and see your ex’s new relationship, injuring you again.

It's important to allow yourself to feel these emotions and not try to push them away or ignore them. Talk to someone you trust, who is non-judgmental, compassionate, loving, empathetic and a good listener, whether it's a friend, family member, or therapist, about how you're feeling, and coping. You are creating your new normal. Journaling may be helpful to sort out your feelings. Remember you have been through a trauma. Before this discovery you probably thought you were in a relationship with a person who would never betray you, that you felt safe. You may be suffering from emotional and physical symptoms such as depression, anxiety, auto immune disorders, stomach ailments, headaches, body aches, infections and other symptoms that may be caused by stress. Please be kind to yourself. As with any injury, take the time to take care of your wounds as you heal.

Grieving

Whether you are the one who initiated the breakup or the one who got broken up with, dealing with the aftermath can be challenging and painful but grieving after a breakup is necessary for healing. Grief is an emotional response to loss and when going through a breakup, you may experience grief because you will mourn the loss of the relationship, the loss of trust, the loss of what you believed you had and the loss of the future you had imagined.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, introduced the five stages of grief in her book "On Death and Dying" in 1969. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While these stages were initially applied to the grieving process for death, they can also be seen in people dealing with heartbreak. A person may experience some or all these stages and not necessarily in this order or move in and out of these stages.

• Denial: In this stage, we refuse to accept that the relationship is over or that the infidelity existed or diminish how it affected the relationship. We may try to convince ourselves that it's just a phase or that there's still hope for reconciliation.

• Anger: As reality sets in, we may feel angry at our ex-partner, ourselves, or the situation. We may blame them for everything that went wrong in the relationship or blame ourselves.

• Bargaining: In this stage, we try to negotiate with our ex-partner in hopes of getting them back. We may promise to do whatever it takes to make things work.

• Depression: This is often the longest and most difficult stage of grief. We feel overwhelmed by sadness and may experience physical symptoms such as loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, and lack of energy.

• Acceptance: Finally, we come to terms with the end of the relationship. We accept that it's over and begin to move on.

Dealing with grief can be overwhelming, but there are healthy ways to cope with it. Here are some tips that can help you through the grieving process:

• Allow yourself to feel: It's important to acknowledge and accept your emotions, no matter how painful they may be.

• Lean on your support system: Talk to friends or family members who can offer a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Seeking professional help from a therapist is also beneficial.

• Take care of yourself: Make sure you're eating well, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that bring you joy.

• Avoid harmful coping mechanisms: It may be tempting to turn to alcohol, drugs, or other destructive habits as a way of numbing the pain. However, these are temporary solutions that can hinder the healing process in the long run.

• Keep yourself busy: Find healthy distractions, such as exercise, hobbies, or volunteering.

• This will help you focus on something other than your breakup.

 

Grieving after a breakup takes time and there is no set timeline for when you should be "over" it. It's important to be patient with yourself and allow yourself to heal at your own pace. Remember that everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way to do it. Eventually, you will come to a point where you are ready to move on. This doesn't necessarily mean finding a new romantic partner but rather being able to let go of the past and open yourself up to new experiences and opportunities. Don't let this break up define you – use it as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. You can overcomethis pain and coming out even stronger than before. Have faith in yourself and the healing process. Please practice self-care and surround yourself with positivity as you continue your journey of grieving after a breakup. Remember, it's not the end, but rather a new beginning and you deserve love, happiness, and all good things in life – don't settle for anything less than what you truly deserve.

Take Care of Yourself and Seek Support from Others

Breakups can take a toll on both your physical and mental health. Surround yourself with loving, non-judgmental, empathetic, and compassionate friends. Do not go on your ex’s social media or their friends and family for a while. Seek professional support if needed. Make sure to prioritize self-care during this difficult time. This includes eating well, exercising regularly, and getting enough rest. Engage in activities that bring you joy and make you feel good about yourself.

Therapies to Help Someone After a Breakup from Cheating 

A breakup is never easy, but when it's due to cheating, the pain can be even more intense. It's not just about losing someone you love; it's also about dealing with betrayal and rebuilding trust in future relationships. In such situations, seeking therapy can be incredibly helpful. Here are some of the best therapies to help someone after a breakup from cheating. Please make sure whomever you pick as your therapist, spiritual advisor, group leader, is someone who understands trauma, betrayal trauma, PTSD and CPTSD.

Individual therapy is an excellent option for those struggling with the aftermath of being cheated on. A therapist can provide a safe space for you to process your feelings and emotions without any judgment or criticism. They can also help you identify any negative thoughts or patterns that may be hindering your healing process. Through individual therapy, you can learn coping mechanisms and strategies to manage your emotions and move forward in a healthy way.

Betrayal trauma therapy is a specific form of therapy designed to help individuals who have experienced betrayal trauma. This type of trauma occurs when someone close to you, such as a partner or family member, betrays your trust in some way. This could include infidelity, financial dishonesty, emotional abuse, or any other behavior that violates the trust within a relationship.

The effects of betrayal trauma can be incredibly damaging and can lead to a range of psychological and emotional difficulties. These may include depression, anxiety, difficulty trusting others, low self-esteem, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As such, it is essential for those who have experienced betrayal trauma to seek support and treatment.

One of the primary goals of betrayal trauma therapy is to help individuals regain a sense of safety and trust in their relationships. This is achieved through various therapeutic techniques, including cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness practices, and trauma-focused therapy. In addition to these specific therapeutic techniques, betrayal trauma therapy may also involve creating a safe and supportive environment for individuals to express their emotions and experiences. This can include group therapy sessions with others who have experienced similar betrayals or individual counseling sessions with a trained therapist.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of therapy that focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. In the context of betrayal trauma therapy, CBT can help individuals challenge and reframe the thoughts and beliefs that may be contributing to their feelings of mistrust or low self-worth.

Mindfulness practices are also often incorporated into betrayal trauma therapy to help individuals learn how to stay present in the moment without getting overwhelmed by difficult emotions. These practices can include deep breathing exercises, meditation, and yoga.

Trauma-focused therapy, such as eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), may also be used to help individuals process and heal from the traumatic experience. This type of therapy involves recalling the traumatic event while simultaneously engaging in a specific type of sensory stimulation, such as eye movements or tapping.

It is important to note that healing from betrayal trauma takes time and patience, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to treatment. Each person's experience of betrayal trauma is unique, and therefore, therapy should be tailored to their individual needs and goals.

Group therapy provides a supportive environment where individuals who have experienced similar situations can come together to share their experiences and support one another. Being surrounded by people who understand what you're going through can help you feel less alone and provide valuable insights into your own healing journey. Group therapy is also a great way to practice social skills, build trust with others and build community.

Acceptance and commitment therapy, ACT focus on accepting difficult emotions rather than trying to avoid or suppress them. The therapist works with you to identify your values and set goals that align with those values. This can help you find meaning in your life after a betrayal and move forward with a sense of purpose.

Self-Care Practices

Therapy isn't the only option for healing after a breakup from cheating. Engaging in self-care practices can also be incredibly beneficial. This may include activities such as exercise, journaling, practicing mindfulness, breathwork, traveling, enjoying nature, movies, reading and spending time with loved ones. Taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally is essential for your overall well-being during this difficult time.

Seeking therapy can greatly aid in the healing process after a breakup from cheating. Whether it's individual therapy or group therapy, these options provide support and guidance to help you work through your emotions and rebuild trust in future relationships. Remember that everyone heals at their own pace, and there is no shame in seeking help when needed. With the right support and strategies, you can move on from this painful experience and find happiness again. So don't be afraid to reach out for help and embark on your healing journey. It's crucial to also have a strong support system of friends and family who can provide love, understanding, and encouragement throughout the healing process.

Lastly, don't rush yourself. Healing takes time, and it's important to be patient with yourself throughout the journey. Allow yourself to feel and process your emotions at your own pace and focus on self-care practices that make you feel good. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to heal, as long as you are taking care of yourself and moving forward in a healthy way.

Practice Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a difficult but necessary step in the healing process. It doesn't mean excusing your partner's actions or forgetting about what happened, but rather releasing the anger and resentment towards them. Forgiveness may not happen overnight, so be patient with yourself. You may also benefit from seeking therapy to work through your feelings and learn how to forgive. Additionally, practicing forgiveness is essential for moving forward after being cheated on. This does not mean forgetting or excusing the actions of your ex-partner, but rather letting go of anger and resentment for your own sake. Forgiveness can be a difficult process, but it can bring a sense of closure and peace.

Focus on Yourself: self-love, self-care

After being cheated on, it's natural to want closure or answers from your ex-partner. However, focusing on their actions and trying to understand why they did what they did will only prolong the healing process. Instead, shift your focus onto yourself and your own personal growth. Use this time to reflect on what you want in a future relationship and set goals for yourself. Do things that you love to do and try new things that does not have to do with your partner. Start your day with positive affirmations. Do some physical activity daily, eat well and surround yourself with loving, non-judgmental compassionate friends who can listen with love.

Be Patient with Yourself

Healing after a breakup from cheating takes time, so be patient with yourself. There will be good days and bad days, but trust that you will eventually heal and move forward. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship and be kind to yourself throughout the process. Going through a breakup from cheating is undoubtedly difficult, but with time and effort, it's possible to heal and find happiness again. Remember that you are not alone and seek support from others when needed. Keep in mind that healing is a journey, so be patient with yourself and trust that you will come out stronger on the other side.

Overall, therapy combined with self-care practices, forgiveness, and patience can provide a strong foundation for healing after a breakup from cheating. Each person's journey may look different, but with the right support and strategies, it is possible to overcome the pain of betrayal and find happiness and trust again. So don't be afraid to seek help and take care of yourself during this difficult time.

It may be tempting to isolate yourself after a breakup from cheating but reaching out for support is crucial for healing. There are many online support groups specifically for those who have been cheated on. These groups offer a safe space to share your feelings and experiences with others who understand what you're going through. Here are some online support groups that you can check out:

Online Support Groups for Victims of Infidelity

Infidelity can be a devastating experience, leaving victims feeling hurt, betrayed and alone. It's important to remember that you are not alone and there are others who have been through similar situations. Connecting with others who have experienced infidelity can provide support, understanding and guidance in your healing journey.

Here is a list of online support groups specifically for victims of infidelity, along with their contact information:

1. SurvivingInfidelity.com

SurvivingInfidelity.com is a popular online forum for both cheaters and victims of infidelity. The site offers resources such as articles, blogs, and forums where you can connect with others who have experienced infidelity. You can also find support through the site's chat rooms and private messaging system.

Website: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/

2. Survivors Healing from Infidelity (SHFIF)

SHFIF is a private Facebook group for women who have been impacted by infidelity. The group provides a safe space for members to share their experiences, receive support and find healing through connection with others.

Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/SHFIF/

3. Surviving Infidelity Reddit

Reddit has a community dedicated to surviving infidelity, providing a forum for victims to share their stories and receive support from others who understand what they are going through. It's a great platform to connect with others and seek advice on how to move forward.

Subreddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/

4. Beyond Affairs Network (BAN)

BAN is an international support network for those affected by infidelity in their relationships. The organization offers resources such as webinars, workshops, and seminars to help individuals cope and heal from the trauma of infidelity.

Website: http://beyondaffairs.com/

5. Infidelity Support Group

The Infidelity Support Group on Facebook is a private group for both victims and cheaters to share their experiences, provide support, and find guidance in dealing with the aftermath of infidelity. The group also offers resources such as articles and videos to help individuals navigate through their healing journey.

Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/223736721771198/

Remember, reaching out for support is not a sign of weakness but rather a step towards healing. These online groups can provide a sense of community and understanding during this difficult time. You are not alone and there is always hope for healing and moving forward. So, don't hesitate to seek help and connect with others who have been through similar experiences. Keep in mind that healing is a process, and it takes time, but with the support of others, you can overcome the pain of infidelity and find peace within yourself and heal from infidelity and move towards a happier and healthier future.

Note: Remember to always prioritize your safety and well-being while seeking support from online groups. If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe in any way, it's important to remove yourself from the group and seek professional help.

References

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-therapist-is-in/201612/how-heal-the-pain-infidelity

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/infidelity/surviving-infidelity-everything-you-need-to-know/

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/surviving-infidelity-how-stay-married-after-affair-couple

APA Reference List (6th edition). (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.bibme.org/apa/reference-list

NAMI. (2020). Betrayal trauma. National Alliance on Mental Illness. https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Betrayal-Trauma

Peluso, P., Carbone-Lopez, K., & MacKinnon-Lewis, C. (2017). Betrayal trauma theory: A feminist sociological perspective. Feminist Criminology, 12(2), 93-115. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557085116662016

Smith, C. P., & Freyd, J. J. (2014). Institutional betrayal and institutional courage: Fulfilling moral obligations in bystander institutions to prevent sexual violence. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 15(3), 333-346. https://doi.org/10.1080/15299732.2014;884278

Women Against Abuse (n.d.). What is betrayal trauma? Retrieved from https://www.womenagainstabuse.org/about-us/news/betrayal-trauma/what-is-betrayal-trauma/ # Betrayal Trauma: Breaking the Silence and Finding Support.

Surviving Infidelity Forum (https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp)

Beyond Affairs Network (http://www.beyondaffairs.com/)

Psych Central's Relationships and Coping Community (https://forums.psychcentral.com/relationships-and-coping/)

HelpGuide: Coping with a Breakup or Divorce - https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm

Psychology Today: The 5 Stages of Grief & Loss - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/real-healing/201402/the-five-stages-grieving-love-loss

Healthline: How to Cope with a Breakup or Divorce - https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-cope-with-a-break-up#healthy-coping-strategies

Mindful: Letting Go of Pain After a Breakup by Jack Kornfield - https://www.mindful.org/letting-go-of-pain-after-a-breakup/

BetterHelp: Moving on After A Broken Heart: Understanding the Science Behind Healing and What You Can Do To Get There Faster by Dr. Marie Miguel - https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/breakups/moving-on-after-a-broken-heart-understanding-the-science-behind-healing-and-what-you-can-do

 

If you are experiencing intense emotions or having thoughts of self-harm, please reach out to a mental health hotline for immediate support. Here are some hotlines you can call:

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

 

 

 

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Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider.

 

Call 911 if there is an emergency.

Call or text 988, which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,

Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed.

 

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