By Jessica Anne Pressler, LCSW

When discussing narcissistic abuse, we often focus solely on the primary abuser, yet the web of harm extends far beyond the direct relationship. Abuse by proxy, creates a complex system of secondary trauma that can be equally devastating to survivors. The journey through and away from narcissistic abuse becomes complicated by a landscape of individuals who, whether intentionally or unwittingly, perpetuate the cycle of harm.

 

Narcissist will do almost anything to protect their own reputation and gain power and control over the victim. They will tell lies about the relationship and the victim. They will push the victim’s buttons until they look “crazy.” The ones that believe them and act accordingly hurt the victims not only by their actions but by their lack of support. The narcissist will use others to do their dirty work, especially if the victim has put up boundaries. Not only will this serve as protecting their own reputation, but they will get a high from gaining power and control over their victim by orchestrating chaos and control over others.

 

The Dismissive Inner Circle

 

Perhaps one of the most painful aspects of narcissistic abuse recovery is the response from friends who minimize or dismiss the experience. These friends might say things like, "Everyone has relationship problems" or "You're being too sensitive." Such dismissal not only invalidates the survivor's experience but also mirrors the gaslighting tactics of the narcissist, creating a doubly wounding effect. A survivor might hear, "He seemed so charming at the party" or "Are you sure you're not overreacting?" - statements that make them question their reality once again.

 

The Orchestrated Smear Campaign

 

Narcissists often launch sophisticated smear campaigns, turning the survivor's social network into unwitting weapons. They might spread carefully crafted narratives that paint themselves as the victim while portraying the survivor as unstable or abusive. These campaigns are particularly effective because they exploit social dynamics and human tendency to believe the first story they hear. A narcissist might tell mutual friends, "She's been acting erratic lately, I'm really worried about her," planting seeds of doubt before the survivor can even begin to share their truth.For many, having friends and family believe the lies is equally or more painful than the abuse itself. They also lose the support from these friends and families as well.

 

The Legal System's Blind Spots

 

When narcissistic abuse enters the legal arena, survivors often face another layer of institutional trauma. Judges and attorneys, unless specifically trained in the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, might miss the subtle manipulation tactics at play. For example, a narcissist might present themselves as calm and collected in court while the survivor, traumatized and emotional, appears less credible. The legal system's emphasis on tangible evidence can overlook the psychological warfare that characterizes narcissistic abuse. I worked for years doing custody and visitation evaluations for the court system and came across false allegations. This is not only harming the other parent, but the children as well.

 

The Well-Meaning but Harmful Therapist

 

Not all mental health professionals are equipped to handle the complex dynamics of narcissistic abuse. Traditional therapy approaches might actually harm survivors when therapists suggest communication strategies that work with healthy individuals but enable further abuse when dealing with narcissists. A therapist might inadvertently retraumatize a client by suggesting they "try to see things from their partner's perspective" or encourage couples therapy, which is often contraindicated in cases of narcissistic abuse. If a therapist is not educated in the tactics that a narcissist uses, they can become a flying monkey.

 

The Silent Bystanders

 

Perhaps equally painful are those who understand what's happening but choose to remain silent. These bystanders might recognize the abuse pattern but stay neutral to "avoid drama" or protect their own interests. Their silence becomes complicity, leaving survivors feeling abandoned by those who could have been allies.

 

They use their own children

 

Parental alienation occurs when one parent systematically damages or destroys the relationship between their children and the other parent. A narcissistic ex-partner may engage in various manipulation tactics to turn children against the other parent, often driven by a desire for control and revenge rather than concern for the children's wellbeing.

 

Common tactics include consistently speaking negatively about the other parent, distorting past events to paint themselves as the victim, and rewriting family history. They might tell children that the other parent abandoned them or doesn't love them, when in reality they may have been actively preventing contact. They often share inappropriate details about adult matters like divorce proceedings or financial disputes, burdening children with adult concerns and presenting a one-sided narrative that portrays the other parent as responsible for family problems.

 

The narcissistic parent may also interfere with communication and visitation, "forgetting" to pass on messages, scheduling competing activities during the other parent's time, or claiming the children are too busy or sick for visits. They might interrogate children after time with the other parent, looking for information to criticize or reasons to restrict future contact. This creates anxiety for children, who feel pressured to report back or choose sides.

 

For the targeted parent, this creates a profound form of emotional abuse and trauma. They experience the heartbreak of watching their children become increasingly distant or hostile, while feeling powerless to counter the narcissist's influence. Every interaction becomes a potential weapon, as innocent comments or normal parenting decisions are twisted and used against them. The narcissist effectively uses the children as instruments of abuse by proxy, letting them carry out the emotional devastation while maintaining plausible deniability.

 

The targeted parent often faces impossible choices - if they try to defend themselves against false accusations, they risk appearing defensive or bitter to their children. If they stay silent, the lies go unchallenged. They may have to watch as their children reject family traditions, return gifts, or refuse to acknowledge shared happy memories, all while knowing this behavior is being engineered by the narcissistic ex. Many targeted parents develop anxiety, depression, and PTSD symptoms from this sustained emotional torture.

 

The financial abuse often continues through the children as well, with the narcissist demanding extra money or resources while painting the targeted parent as stingy or neglectful if they try to maintain reasonable boundaries. Legal battles to protect parenting time drain both emotional and financial resources, while the narcissist often violates agreements with impunity, knowing how difficult and expensive enforcement can be.

 

The impact on children can be severe and long-lasting, as they struggle with divided loyalties, guilt, and distorted perceptions of both parents. They may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms and relationship patterns that persist into adulthood. The targeted parent faces the heartbreaking challenge of maintaining a relationship with their children while navigating the narcissist's manipulation, often having to carefully document interactions and seek professional or legal support to protect their parental rights.

 

For many targeted parents, the most painful aspect is knowing their children are being emotionally abused and manipulated, yet being unable to protect them without risking further alienation. They must often take the long view, maintaining consistent love and availability while hoping their children will eventually see through the manipulation, all while enduring the profound grief of having their parent-child bond systematically destroyed.

 

 

Finding Appropriate Support: The Importance of Trauma-Informed Care

 

For survivors seeking healing, finding a trauma-informed therapist who understands narcissistic abuse is crucial. These specialists recognize that traditional therapeutic approaches may need modification when working with survivors of narcissistic abuse. They understand concepts like trauma bonding, gaslighting, and the complex PTSD that often results from prolonged narcissistic abuse.

 

Supporting a Friend Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

 

If you're supporting someone leaving a narcissistic relationship:

- Believe their story without judgment

- Don't pressure them to "get over it" or rush their healing

- Help them document incidents and keep records

- Assist with practical matters like finding safe housing or legal resources

- Maintain confidentiality about their plans and whereabouts

- Connect them with professional support services

- Understand that leaving may take multiple attempts

- Offer consistent, patient support without ultimatums

 

The path to healing from narcissistic abuse requires a supportive community that understands the complexity of this trauma. Recognition of abuse by proxy helps survivors validate their experiences and find appropriate support systems that contribute to healing rather than further harm.

 

*Please see previous blogs at jessicaannepressler.com thatinclude additional relevant knowledge and resources.

 

DISCLAIMER:

 

The contents of this website; blog, video, articles, media, social media, book, and references, are ONLY for informational and entertainment purposes. It is NOT intended as a psychological service, diagnostic tool, medical treatment, personal advice, counseling, or determination of risk and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by psychological or medical services.  

 

Please seek consultation by an appropriate healthcare provider.

 

Call 911 if there is an emergency.

Call or text 988, which is the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,

Call National Suicidal Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to talk to someone 24/7 if needed.

 

Looking at, reading, listening to any information on my website, social media, YouTube, or book, and communicating with me by email or any other communication with me, you acknowledge and agree that we do not have a professional/client relationship. Use of this site and information associated with this site is solely at the visitor’s own risk.

 

 

References:

 

Arabi, S. (2017). Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse

Herman, J. (2015). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence

Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score

Evans, P. (2010). The Verbally Abusive Relationship

Staik, A. (2019). Breaking Free of Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma Bonds