Ok, truth be told…you don’t talk to a narcissist. You have NO CONTACT. If the door is left open, you are left vulnerable. They will do whatever it takes to manipulate you to get their needs met. They don’t care if you get hurt. They lack empathy. They only care about themselves. They will not change. 

If you are able to set boundaries, but still need to communicate with them, speak through an objective party such as a lawyer or make an email only for them to communicate. This way you will only check the email when you want to and not accidentally see their email while checking others and be tempted to read and respond. I recommend this for people who fear he, she, or they will become so enraged from feeling completely cut off they become dangerous.  

If you feel you have no choice but communicate directly; if it’s your boss, your parent, your ex-husband, or wife that you have children with, your child, or you are not emotionally ready to cut them off… then you need to have insight into how they think. Not every person is the same or has the same degree of pathology but there are enough similarities that this should help understand the person you are dealing with. Knowledge is power!! 

Speaking of power….. A narcissist has an obsessive need for POWER and CONTROL. This is to protect their fragile ego and their identity (which is usually contrived) and they will go to any length to do so. They manipulate by gaslighting, shaming, guilting, emotional and physical abuse, lying, withholding intimacy, silent treatment, financial control, hoovering, making you dependent on them, isolating you from others, using passive-aggressive tactics, uncontrolled anger, vacillating between hot and cold without logical reasons, being unpredictable, causing confusion, love bombing, using your vulnerabilities to hurt you, lying about past trauma so you feel sorry for them, and so much more. You may not know what to expect when you see them, causing confusion, and may find yourself walking on eggshells. These are games they play. They manipulate to be in control. They lack empathy, lying is common, and feel they are entitled. They believe they deserve special treatment and have the right to exploit others who they see as beneath them, which is everyone or almost everyone. They need to control others to maintain their self-image and will often devalue people to boost how they see themselves.) 

Narcissists have an inflated sense of ego, delusions of grandeur, lack empathy, feel entitled, and need to be constantly admired. People are used for their narcissistic supply (constant supply of attention and admiration.) They often create a fake persona to attract people to provide this supply because deep inside they may have low self-esteem, but not all do. This attention seeking behavior could be negative or positive. They demand limitless special treatment and attention and validation. They will create and find situations to make them the center of attention. But this is not always obvious. For example, making you feel insecure and you responding by begging for them to want you again and working hard to make them want you again, is an example of how they manipulate this. 

It is important to remember that they will never be satisfied for any length of time. Their need for constant admiration and attention can be all-consuming and impossible for a healthy relationship.Their feelings are all that matters to them. The narcissistic supply is vital to maintaining their inflated sense of ego and protecting their fake persona essential. So much so that if you threaten either one, you may become the focus of their rage. That focus could become obsessive. 

Narcissists exert power and control over their victims. They decide exactly what they want the relationship to be to meet their own needs. They need you to show emotion. Either positive or negative and they will push you until they get an emotional reaction from you. They feel powerful and superior when you respond as such. I have an image of a man banging on his chest as he watches his wife crying. They will use all they know about you to trigger your insecuritiesand take delight in your loss of control and pain. If the narcissist is sure they can no longer get their needs met by you, they will try to find a new host. Most will disappear, some will return to just make sure you are still there (by hoovering and future faking,) and a few may stalk you.

Narcissist strategies can be subtle gestures or extremely dangerous, or even deadly, and everything in between. When a narcissist feels they have lost control they can become rageful, unstable, impulsive, and explosive. You may become the recipient of his, her, their wrath. I have and it can be terrifying, confusing, and frustrating. In my experience, the other person became crazy, out of control, spewing lies, and delusional. They wanted to crush me and said the most hurtful lies. While he was doing this, I spent the whole exchange defending myself. It was so important to me that he knew what he was saying was untrue. Looking back what I did was ridiculous. He was either lying, trying to hurt me, and/or delusional and couldn’t hear the truth. I know better now.

The narcissist is usually controlled, manipulations are carefully planned, and they are extremely concerned about how they look to others. But when they are rageful, they are often out of control and not concerned with the consequences of their actions. The narcissist’s ego that has been injured is usually the catalyst of such a reaction. The more the narcissist feels exposed as frail or fake, the more rageful he, she, or they will be. They may be verbally abusive, use intimidation, make threats, throw objects, physically abusive, self-harm, or use passive-aggressive methods such as withdrawing, silent treatment, and gaslighting. They may spread damaging lies about you to your family, your friends, and at your work and they will do so as soon as they can to ruin you so you can’t ruin their reputation as you are now discredited.  

 If the narcissist believes that you know the real him and fears you will expose his frailties, he will do whatever it takes to ruin you and protect himself. If you leave him or reject him, or he perceives you exposed his weaknesses while in a relationship, he will most likely punish you and they will do so with a smile on their face. He may try to humiliate you by exposing secrets and smear campaigns to your friends, family, and workplace. And know he will never admit to what he has done, no matter how much proof there is.

So now you know who you are dealing with, and you are still unable to block him from your life, then remove yourself from the drama by not engaging in his crazy. Do not respond to his triggers and do not tell him all the terrible things he did. Do not show emotion about anything he tells you. See friends, have a separate life, don’t listen, don’t engage, sing…. But be aware that the narcissist may become angry if you suddenly cut him off.

Please have no expectations when you speak to a narcissist. He has no empathy, and he doesn’t care about your feelings, and if you tell him how you feel, if you show him emotion, not only will it provide him with narcissist supply, which he may also use against you one day. Stay calm and detached. Be in control of your emotions. Let go of your need to be heard, let go of your need for him to understand you, let go of your need for him to tell the truth or admit what he has done. Know they want to see you get upset. Remember they will not take accountability. Do not argue with a narcissist, they will do whatever it takes to win, and he does not care how much he will hurt you to do so. He thrives on winning. He feels he is has conquered you and controlled you.

Don’t forget they live in their delusional world, and you won’t have a rational conversation with them. They will lie if they need to. Do not take the bait. They will try to get you to lose control to help them feel more in control and powerful. Try not to show them you are upset. Try to think of something else or excuse yourself. It’s like a wild animal sensing your weakness. They will try to get you to break. They will bring up your childhood wounds and triggers. Mine were abandonment issues and my exes used my fear often. I didn’t understand what they were doing at the time. I was an open book, and they had all the bullets they wanted. I was in pain, often, from this. Be kind to yourself. I have been where you have been, and I understand. I understand the manipulation, I understand the pain and I understand the difficulty to let go. But life is a zillion times better now that I have.

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